The Epistolaries

  • 2 x Belle
  • 1 x Universal
  • 5 x Mary

Over the next few days, I plan to schedule out these emails I had sent to a couple of people. I believe it’s fair documentation of  my experience over the course of this year. Well, actually, starting from 17 July, 2018. The date I sent this one out.

This is a long post, longer than the ones I usually write on here anyway. But It just goes to show that I am capable of writing a lot and a lot more if given the opportunity to write.

It’s important to practice self reflection, and to keep a journal or records of some sort as a form of documentation. It is beneficial to keep these as they help to put things into perspective when times are really fucking all over the place.

If you only journal when you’re depressed (like I have done… and tend to mostly do), try to remember what the good things are, and maybe include those in your journal too. You need to remind yourself that you are capable of surviving and continuing on no matter what life fucking throws at you.

Because life is constantly changing, and I feel so caught up in its waves… more so than ever….. But again… Life is constantly changing all around whether or not you notice. You can go sleep but that does not mean life stops around to wait for you. It continues, and it changes, even in imperceivable ways.

There are way too many times I just want to give up. I don’t wish to die, I merely wish to have never existed. I know that if I were to die it would cause pain and heartache (or even just frustration and stress, “ugh, now could not be more inconvenient”). I don’t want to add to all the drama and pain. There is enough shit in the world. I don’t want to make life fucking harder than it already is.


The Epistles Begin

17 July, 2018. (3rd draft)

Dear Benebell,

BTW, I know you are an insanely busy and in demand person. So I’d understand if you don’t respond. I actually don’t expect you to. But, if you have the time, I’d like to think that you would read all of this email. Take it in chunks at a time as I tend to ramble. If you don’t have the time, just read the first paragraph following this one. Either way, I need to get it (this, everything) “out there”.

Firstly, I want to express my deepest gratitude and praise for you and what you do. You’ve been a significant driving force in the development of my spirituality. If nothing else comes off this email, I know that I have reached out to you to let you know the profound, PROFOUND, impact your teachings have had on me, and my life, since the start of this year. Holy shit, right? Not that long at all since I came across your blog. Don’t let the “length time” diminish the significance though. This is really massive me emailing you. Not because I’m anyone important, but because it’s not what I do. I never reach out unless I absolutely have to and then it’s usually with some sort of resentment. But this, this is all gratitude and love your way.

(main message ends here. “sub message” follows)

Aha! But I am selfishly motivated. OMG I had to write this on paper a few times, chart and graph what I wanted to say so that it’d make sense, and you’d get where I am coming from, without judgement.

I’ve attached my birth chart, and that of my husband. Essentially that’s my map, and that’s what I’m going off. I’m showing you so you can see what I mean and where I’m coming from if I don’t explain it right.

(everything is connected, it’s all relevant. The same shit I do on the outside corresponds with what’s on the inside. I don’t do anything without purpose, and I’m motivated by my ego)

I want to connect with someone who will understand where I’m coming from, without judgement. I don’t need anything, or anyone, I know I am capable of this on my own. But I DESIRE someone to guide me and teach me.

I don’t want to pay money for it though. You no longer offer divinatory readings. I will pay you to give me a reading, although I have such circular thinking I struggle to give a coherent question. I am dissatisfied with my answers because my question isn’t right.

I have never asked for an astrological profile or reading because I know enough to do it myself. A lot of stuff has been going on leading up to this moment, and I have done a lot of growth and realisations… Jupiter is the “teacher”, and teacher is in Pisces in the 11th house. I’m looking for external validation, to help me with what’s inside.

Ideally, I want you to teach me, mentor me, guide me. I’m not externally high maintenance, mostly because I am internally high strung. I just need someone to talk to and who’ll “get it”, when I’m under crises. When it just all “gets too much”. I also totally understand that you don’t have time to take on that kind of responsibility. I just wanted to lay out my cards on the table. Writing the email in the first place is essentially all I need.

I ask you because I respect you. You and my husband share qualities I have come to associate with respect. And he’s the only person I’ve ever really trusted. So I feel like I can trust you. I don’t want to be shown “someone who can help me out” because I don’t trust anyone’s help will be the right help.

Your blog has been synchronistic with my questions. It has to be you. You are the key to my Jupiter, my guide. Either as a mentor (ongoing interaction), teacher (reading), or your blog posts (sign post). I would not pay you for mentorship, but I would pay for a reading.

My husband is the yang to my yin, seriously. We are complimentary opposites. At least that is how we work. With him I need nothing/noone else, and through him I am learning to… work on my flaws. I can only describe our relationship through archetypes, with him I know I’m not alone. He is teaching me so much. But this is a spiritual crisis, or series of crises. And with a stellium in Scorpio, everything is essentially a crisis… He’s not spiritual. He accepts what I’m talking about and listens, and doesn’t judge. BUT because he doesn’t get the significance of what I’m going through… “an existential crisis”. Then back to the beginning, I feel alone.

I’m not bothered about existentialism. If keywords help to put who/what I subscribe to… I’m “miscellaneous”, I take bits of whatever I like from wherever, and apply it in a new way. I subscribe to absurdism and anarchy. I even label myself as a philosophical atheist. I argue the definition of god, and recognising the existence of any higher power doesn’t require one’s worship. Life has no meaning and it’s pointless to try, but it does give pleasure. I don’t bother or judge anyone for what they do as they have their own motivations, and I would like that to also be reciprocated. Essentially, we’re all alone, but that’s okay. Make the most out of it, cause no harm.

I think too much, too deeply, and can not get out of my head. Astrology has helped me understand that. I know what I need to do because I’ve seen it in my chart. As I work on my limitations… OMG here I go, losing it. At least I have my written plan to help me out.

There are fundamental changes happening in me. I can’t trust the light within because it’s fucking bouncing off of everything. If the ascendent is the lens through which one’s inner light shines through.. I can’t see clearly so I can’t trust what I’m seeing… I can’t tell what’s my ego (sun), my emotions (moon), or if it’s the result of my conditioning (growing up I had mummy issues, the source of my inner insecurity. I was never good enough, why couldn’t I be more like other people and their specific strengths)

I need to be seen, recognised, and understood. I know that is something I have to do and work on my own. That’s fine. It would just be nice to be understood since I can’t trust myself, because I don’t love myself.

Every path I take, every discovery I make, leads me back to you and your books. I just purchased the Tao of Craft this afternoon, as I was typing this email. Trying to figure out how to explain myself, the difference between someone’s essence and essential qualities… lead me to tao. And I’m like “no fucking way”. I never bought that book because Tao mysticism didn’t resonate with me. I don’t spend money (on myself) unless I absolutely have to.

I have to send this to you now before I end up wasting my day. That’s one of my current issues, knowing when to let things go. Once I start, I can’t stop. I am the earth. I am earth and water. I don’t know when to stop. Jain* is fire and air. He helps me to stop. He helps me to be “more” and actually present and aware of what’s going on around me. But I can’t realistically function with him always there, I have to learn to do it on my own.

And there I go again.

Hopefully one day, if you ever reach the end of this email, I will hear back from you. Then I can say more. I have a lot to say. I always do….

I’m unbalanced. Too much water, and earth. And at the same time too much air. Jain* is my fire, teaching me to access my inner fire, hidden way way deep deep down in there.

23 July 2018

Dear Benebell,

I think I get it now, your role in this, my spiritual teacher person my Jupiter.

You will be my teacher. I dont need you to do any readings or anything. I can do that myself. I will be enrolling in your astrology course. Actually pretty much all of the courses you offer. Your teaching style matches my learning style so the course structures you deliver are perfect for me.

I’m all about printing off paper references and workbooks and guides as that is how I organise my life and everything. What stops me from starting is not knowing where to begin. Basically i have all of these resources and journals but i struggle starting as i dont want to spend money on printing until i know how i will be organising them. A5 is cheaper but i can fit more on a4. It’s hard to print through 3rd party services unless I put set it up for them. And how do I organize them?

Your astrology course will help me organise my astrology shit. Tarot courses for my tarot shit.

Resource folder of other peoples stuff.

Astrology, tarot, numerology, chakras, colours, qabbalah, hermeticism, tantra, madras, geometry, archetypal figures, mythological characters, correspondences.

Journals for my practise and progress. My path.

Consolidating my knowledge from all of these different things. My own interpretations of the various symbols and methods.

Books of mirrors.

Book of shadows.

Grimoire.

I’m stuck not knowing where to start. I dont want to invest my money printing and binding and organizing until I figure that shit out.

I need to plan this out before I begin. I’m just worried that I’m the perpetual planner who never begins. It’s necessary for me to organise shit I’m efficient. I’m also aware that starting/stopping is my problem and the only solution is to have faith and just jump. Just start not knowing where it ends. But money is not just my money, it’s the family’s money. Responsibility.

The need to develop my spirituality is interfering with my ability to participate in the physical world.

I keep spiraling or getting lost as I read and research. And it’s all relevant to my path.  But I dont know if this is path working? It doesn’t matter really.

Defining things is important as then I have a framework to go from. But everyone has a different interpretation of the same word, the definitions aren’t the same. Then I have to figure out what is usable from their framework and reconfigure it to fit what I need. Or basically adapting the stuff.

As a computer I’m incredibly efficient but need a program to function. Unable to auto run the program without external activation.

These are all separate bits of code that need to be embedded in the program. But what are the functions and sub functions. How is it supposed to fit in to the rest of the operating system? Prioritisation of certain formulas and programs.

I’ve backwards mapped to discover the problem, and now have to fix all subsequent programs.

I was chasing the wrong thing.


Thinking out loud, writing to myself.

27 July 2018

Leo. That’s the key to solving this. It’s the root of the issue. The most effective means is through direct activation. Being selfish to do what I need to do. But selfish acts cant be isolated, even if i can explain the necessity. To be the best I can be I have to learn to love myself first, then I can get back to the job, do what I do.
But because i dont know how long it will take following that path, trouble shooting, it is unsustainable, and thereby inefficient.
I have to take the much longer way. I have to figure out how to cross the divide between not only water and fire, but through air and earth. This is what fucks me up because then I lose all sense of myself. The path leaves water. I dont know which of me to hold on to. If any part. I have to navigate the houses to get to the signs. It’s stupid. Illogical. Ineffective and inefficient. The energy output way way way outstrips the energy within. It makes no sense to do it this way, but it is what the world needs of me.
I hate it.
I need to confront my mum. I need to go through cancer in the 3rd to get to Leo in the 4th. I am resistant because it hurts. It hurts because I cant do that. She brings out the worst in me. I’m the child again. She still criticizes, I should do things her way or a different way. Or even if she doesn’t mean it, I don’t know how else to interpret her. I see she does the same to my daughter, so she hasn’t learned no matter how many times I’ve tried to explain it, that her words or jokes are hurtful and degrading. She doesn’t understand so cant understand, or she wont understand. I dont understand her enough to bridge the gap.
I could try. But then us have to use words like jesus and jehovah and the devil… everything that to me is a lie. I dont want to lie. I dont lie. It can be necessary sometimes. But in order to bridge this gap I have to lie to both of us. And that’s not real. Its bullshit.
I need to learn aries. But to to do so I need to give up aries. And I’m afraid that’s the end. I dont know when it ends there.
And I feel I have come all this way to realise it’s the end of the road. And I hate myself. If it’s the end then I’m a fool for buying into the idea of hope. But if it’s not the end then I dont really “learn the lesson”. Its not real sacrifice if you know you’ll get out of it. But if it’s real then what was the fucking point of finding out.
My mum is a capricorn and my dad was a sagittarius. My Neptune is in capricorn. So the only way through is pisces. But people dont give back, they never have, or their intentions were not clear.
Neptune links to pisces in the 11th house and jupiter is there.
And my kids hate me. Or rather my daughter hates me

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THE MARY EPISTLES

The second person I ended up emailing. The seond stranger I felt compelled to correspond to. I had been listening to her podcast, which lead me to her books. I read one about indigo children and was like “nup, that’s it. I’ll send her my chart so she can continue her studies!”
She responded quite promptly actually, so I answered some of her questions. And then the following week I realise I had inadvertently volunteered myself for a podcast reading! Hah! OMG I felt so ashamed. I didn’t distinguish why I was sending her the charts, I just left drawn to. Turns out she had asked people on her podcast to send their charts in to share.
I was mortified, indignant, which started the spiral out into mania… I will share that email next….

25 July 2018

Hi Mary,
My details:
Life path 5, decisive age 32 (which I turn this year), destiny/expression 8, personality and soul urge of 3 & 5.
Scorpio stellium, scorpio sun, Taurus ascendant and moon, diurnal chart. Malefic Mars in MC.
I write too much: you can study my birth chart, if you want to. I feel like its “special”. But my path includes further astrological study, so I am not requesting confirmation or a reading of any kind.
This year so far has been a huge one of spiritual self discovery. Everything  in my life has lead me to this point and I recognize what I need to do to move forward. I want to be understood and only my birthchart will get that across.
This year it’s like everything (my interests, life experiences, what I do, everything about who I am and why I am the way that I am) has converged to this point. I recognized my faults and what I had to do to fix them, and everything that stands in my way. Which is me. It’s all my fault really but that’s besides the point.
Sorry I tend to yammer on. I feel like “I’m special” or “different” and whether or not I am, that doesn’t mean that my story needs to be told. Maybe at the end of all this it will be the basis of some novel only I would ever write.
I’ve met my soul mate. And we’re both indigos. And there’s no one like us. He’s helped me learn to love myself and I’m not quite there yet but eventually I will be. And that will in turn help me to learn to trust myself.
As an astrologer I am offering you my birth chart for your own study. I will eventually learn everything but cant get sucked down the rabbit hole away from my responsibilities in life, no matter how important I believe “my work” to be. And my chart can also shed light on why *I* find it hard to read my own chart.
As someone who is already an expert, you’ll have no issues reading this. And it will probably drive you to ask questions, but it might not.
Then let it be a birthchart that sits in your inbox that you can check out whenever you fancy. If you get this far through the email and having looked at my natal chart, decide it’s worth investigating, I can send his chart if you request it.
Our birth charts are all I need to show as proof. Our numerology numbers are further supporting evidence.
Thank you so much for your podcast. It’s what has helped me so much.
I dont expect a response. Sending this to you in the first place is enough for me. Any response from you will be exciting but not at all necessary.
Thanks for everything again.
Regards,
K.
 
Ps. I just finished listening to episode 20. I always wanted to be special, and never felt comfortable identifying as an “indigo” because I couldn’t tell if it was just my ego… wanting something to be true is not the same as the truth. But also realizing that there are millions of others like me. Even if I’m not like them

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Side note, present day.

Shit really started to spiral out of fucking control. This Lovely lady asked me a simpled question about any questions or topics that might help to make my case relatable?

And off went my motor-mouth. Blah blah rant rant type type. It felt amazing that someone was actually going to listen to me and maybe answer some unasked questions. Holy shit. And my incessant, unceasing yammering meant that my message was perhaps not so well received or understood.

Learn astrology with Mary, eisode 84.


26 July 2018

Hi Mary,

I’ll send through his chart too. And the chart I made for our wedding, and while I’m at it I’ll throw in the chart of our two kids. HAHA.
I see my husband and I like two halves of the same whole. I can really only explain it through archetypal metaphors. He is Hades and I am Kore/Persephone. He is the beginning and end, and I am the infinite in between. Without him, I am the gaia. I am inert, and I don’t do anything unless called forth unto action.
I don’t know what to ask about my chart because there is nothing to ask of it. Not yet, anyway. If I had a question, I’d know how to answer it… I guess I struggle the most with my ego.. How much of this “inner light” is really my inner light, my ascendant and moon are opposite my sun. My chart ruler is in its dominion, but detriment by sign. My sun sign ruler is less than a degree conjunct my first house/moon ruler. Neptune is the veil and I can’t trust whatever I think I “know” because am I looking past the veil or at it?! My questions and questing… STRIVING, DESPERATELY STRIVING for inner peace… In order to trust myself, I have to learn to love myself… And again, how can I possibly love myself? How much of all my limitations is actually real, and how much is just me holding myself back, how much have I fallen victim to my conditioning, how much am I just driven by selfish ego? I am the queen of cups. I give everything to everyone all of the time, and my cup runneth empty. No one ever gives back, unless told under no uncertain terms. I don’t ask because I shouldn’t have to. No one fills my cup back up, except myself. And to do that I need to do nothing by myself. But the world doesn’t accept idleness…
I just want to be loved, just as I am, not for anything I do/can do, without judgement. I want to see myself the way James sees me. And then a month ago, I did. I felt whole. I felt exposed in front of him, our minds finally realising where we were so discordant – it was our ideas of what “effort” was. He didn’t see me as putting effort in, as I should strive for more than “the bare minimum”, whereas I saw just actually doing something as the effort. Why do more than is necessary? You do it right, you do it once.
And a bunch of spiritual stuff came together were I transcended madness. I share everything with him, because he gets the way I work. But I couldn’t explain it, and every attempt just frustrated me even more. I was basically manic, it was obsessive mania. It was serious, so many processes and layers, following the light or path or connections, but without a thorough knowledge of mathematical formulae of planes and irrational and infinity… My problem was I was trying the rationalise the irrational, and we are limited to our three dimensional plane. Everything came together and I felt whole. I actually felt free to be ALL OF ME, the dark and the light.
Rode that high for a couple of weeks and then came crashing down. It’s not about me. Even though I want it to be me, it can’t be. Fortune blossomed in my spirit, which Jain doesn’t understand but accepts. But while we were enjoying ourselves, it took us away from facing the physical world. Not so much of a problem for him, but a problem for me. Selfishly indulging my own interests and self, I lost my place in the real world and thus my innate talents and skills… I forgot stuff, and let the house get messy, and couldn’t express myself, I got lost inside myself and struggled … in existing.
And I mourned, oh how I mourned. I had to make a choice, for the sake of my family, and so I chose practicality. I had to stop chasing my tail in pursuit of spiritual endeavours as it was impacting my ability to be present. Which again I resent. Why do I have to sacrifice myself? I did that once when I was a kid. I repressed everything I thought was special about myself, I never felt loved by my mother (her idea of helping me improve was to compare me to everyone else, why couldn’t I be like this person, or that person. cherry picking the best single quality of a variety of individuals and I, a single child, was a disappointment for not already embodying all of those varying qualities. She also joked that they found me in a the bin and no one wanted me. She thinks these jokes are funny) or accepted by society. Any search for my self and self discovery, every path that felt right was “wrong”, or felt right at the start and then wrong later on. Every other path that felt wrong was supposed to be “right”. Good and evil, isn’t it perspective? Everyone has their own side and story and you can’t judge them all because it’s different to yours.
I am Lilith healed, I am vengeful Virgin Mary. I’m not evil, but I don’t know this “god”, there is no “god”, I don’t want to ascend to any “god”. We are god, I am god. but not god… goddess. In the beginning, the spirit of god moved across the waters. I am the waters. The opposite of god, but that doesn’t mean I’m bad. I just want to be. Just me. But whole, loved, and complete.
My north node is in the 12th house, aries. The inner sacrifice of the ego. I have been very fortunate with my “gifts” or “luck”, and now I am without.
Essentially I don’t want to schism, I’m afraid of dying again, inner dying. I can’t love myself, at least not yet. Before I can put myself back together I have to learn to trust others, so I can trust myself. And to make sure it’s not selfishly motivated, I have to left go of my ego and trust that I get to be whole again at some point in any future.
Shit, I have diverged way off track. Wanting to “tell my story” as if it matters to anyone other than me. And my need to be heard and understood… Is that because I have something important to share that should be heard? Or am I just trying to validate myself since I have no self worth of my own? I’m no one. I’m whoever others need me to be. I’m useful, or I want to be useful. I want to be worth something. And not just an invisible understanding, but I want to be acknowledged so then I know I’m not alone. That there is value to me, more than what I can do for others…
If Jain and I didn’t have kids, we’d be perfect. We’d be free to indulge in our private, quiet, introverted, completely complimentary ways. But we created kids intentionally, as a physical manifestation of our love. Neither of us wanted kids before, but it felt right. And now they’re 10 and almost 7. Our daughter is like us, intense like us. The strongest of our traits are manifest in her. I’m afraid for her, I don’t want her to become like me, and James doesn’t want her to be like him either. And then there is our son, who is different to other kids, but different to the 3 of us. I’m afraid he might grow up messed up having me as his mum. Jain said not to worry about it, he’s not like us so he won’t think like we do. It will never cross his mind. I’m afraid the world will crush his gentle, kind and loving spirit.
But me talking about what a wonderful and special family I have… We’re normal for us, but we’re not normal like the rest of the world. Or at least the immediate community which we can see. I need to stop trying to look for external validation and just exist here and now, and not expect anything in return.
I need to “reach out”, so the world can see the fruits of my efforts. And I forgot where I was going with this… My Jupiter 11th house Pisces. It’s only through other people, external unbiased physical people, and just engaging with the world, only there can I find my way. Through a network, person, blog, or following a trail of links to an article. Whenever I’m ready, I’ll know what to ask the chart or the cards, by knowing the question I’ll be ready for the answer.
OH CASE STUDIES. Use my chart for empty houses, mutual reception/contradictory sign/house rulership, mental illness, seeking spirituality, psychic confusion and self doubt, … Synastry with my partner and the behaviour of saturn, my venus flanked by both his and my own pluto… the part of fortune/south node/pallas conjunction. Oh, chiron!
Maybe it’d be interesting for you to know that both of my parents had pluto in leo, in their fifth house when they were born. That’s probably me, their very intense (and thus internally/eternally conflicted) “confident” eventual scorpio only-child.
I don’t know… You can ask questions if you think of anything.
Hope I didn’t waffle TOO much. Haha. Thanks again.
-K.
🙂

01 August 2018

Hi Mary,
OMG I started freaking out when I went to your podcast and laughing and being so nervous when I saw that you actually used my chart for your podcast. I guess because I didnt expect you to put it on there and I guess I would have strongly edited my email. I feel that my word choices were quite poor. Especially in regards to my kids.
I wanted to make clear for you that I didnt mean that I regretted having kids. I am a high school teacher and I love my children. I just want to give to others, but as I try to heal my self (so much repressed issues), I struggle to switch between wearing the different hats. The mum, the full time teacher, the household manager, the finder of lost things, the fixer of problems, I’m so many things to others and I lack the time and energy to be able to recharge. I dont want to ask for others to give back to me because I feel so selfish. And awareness of my needs… oh gosh, I feel selfish for thinking of myself at all. I mean, I could never ask that of anyone.
I am grateful for my children. I really am. I’ve been doing so much soul searching and what I wrote to you really was very long. So in short, I wanted to be valued for more than what I do for others. I am more than just the sum of my parts (the roles I play in others lives, my interests and responsibilities).
What I meant by reality… what is real to me is not real to others. My emotions, feelings, instincts, intuition. From when I was a child, any subconscious fear, or “psychic” anything, anything that could not be objectively observed or verified… I was taught that it was wrong, or I misunderstood, or… basically, if I thought, felt or heard something, if I had to “interpret” words or intentions, it was usually wrong. Misunderstanding instructions, or intentions, or hearing/seeing something… it’s because I wanted to misunderstand? It’s because I wanted to see/feel/think that.
I ask a lot of questions because if I dont, I will get it wrong. I ask a lot of “why” questions, when I was a kid and even as an adult. When I was a kid it was because it was learned behaviour. As an adult, i am able to track that back to my childhood. My parents did the best they could. It’s just unfortunate that they got stuck with “me”.
I dont want to be that for my kids. I’m not worried about them because I know they’re already stronger than I was. And they have supportive parents. I just cant take time to “fix/heal” myself, because innately… isnt it all just in my head? I dont want to be one of those people who blames their parents. It’s not their fault, they are the result of their own upbringing.
I know I’m responsible for my life. I’m trying to be. But… I cant heal myself because I am responsible for others. I cant take that time because it takes me away from others. 5 – 10 minutes is not long enough, nor do I get the chance often enough. I can rest my body, but it takes far more time and effort and energy to heal my heart and soul.
I resent having responsibilities at this particular time. To be the best I can be for others, I have to heal myself. But I dont have the time or energy to do that. So, I can be good enough the fractured way that I already am, because that’s good enough for others. And that makes me sad. I wish i didnt feel like that.
I love my kids, and I know that I’m broken. I dont want them to end up like me, and they won’t.
You asked on your podcast why 80s kids struggle with being parents? Because we are aware of our own short comings, we are the bridge from the old generation to the new crystal children. We continue to cross the divide. The previous ways of thinking and being are being changed into something new. But because of the way that we are… or at least the way that I am…. that’s another part of me that is getting torn apart. I know I have to “let go” when the new ways of being and thinking and doing are established, I’m just afraid I’ll let go of the wrong thing. I’ll get it wrong like I always have.
I’m afraid that I really am just a victim of my own conditioning. Whether it was influenced from the outside or from within doesn’t matter. Again, it was just “all in my head”.
Thinking this way, that there even is some “new to replace the old” kind of thing, also cant be real. All because I think or feel something doesn’t make it true.
I read the healing pluto problems book after your podcast and laughed. I saw it fitting that it referenced the hades moon it was the archetype I used to describe my relationship with my partner. I feel that is not my problem, I’ve realised I’m fed up with the education system I work in. Its exhausting and also infuriating that I can identify the problems within myself or with others but dont know what to do about any of it. I am good at holding on, that what scorpios do… it will change, the system will change eventually. It’s not my path to be part of that but to help others deal with its affects.
I didnt offer my chart to be used in a podcast. I offered it after I read your indigo book, because I felt that my chart (and the chart of my family) might help shed light on… something? I feel like it might help improve.. not improve, but… shed light? On… interpretion methods and practices. You are an expert, and if you felt compelled to research something, about “what’s happening, why stuff is different nowadays”, our charts might shed insight on to that. I had zero intentions of you doing a reading on my family publically. Omg no, just to use as research.
I’m glad you used my chart because it helped me to accept that I do have some sort of “psychic” ability. You told me to trust it. And that’s the exact push I needed to know. You answered my question without my saying the question. My real question didnt become apparent until after I emailed you the second time. I couldn’t trust myself. I still dont trust myself, at least when it comes to stuff about myself… but I do trust my ability to help others. I can trust my psychic intuition when it comes to others. But I dont trust it with myself because I dont know if it’s real or selfishly motivated.
Thank you again.
I write to sort out my thoughts as it helps to give me clarity on myself. But unfortunately when I do edit my work, it removes the context to which I came to that particular choice of wording.
If you’re interested in any time in the future, I still give permission to use our charts as research in perfecting and modifying astrological practices. But i dont give permission for the birth data to be shared. Like… i dont know. I would like you to ask me questions so i know how to answer them or what to further explain. I hope that made sense.
Thanks for the podcast reading anyway!! I’m up to episode 41. Hehe
Bye bye now.
Kim.

01 August, 2018.

Sorry another email.
I’m an educator. An English teacher by qualification (masters degree of teaching, bachelor of english). Why I choose whatever doesn’t matter, but it’s relevant to my teaching philosophy…
I dont actually care that much for the curriculum or student achievement in particular subjects. Everyone has different strengths and learning styles. I just wanted to be there for kids like a couple of teachers were for me.
When I was struggling with so much at school, (socially, not academically) there were a couple of teachers who really helped me, they related to me. And I want to “give back”, I want kids to know that it’s going to be okay. I want to teach/show them “how not to be a dick” hahaha.
Knowing and feeling I was making a difference was what helped me function well and I didn’t need to ask anyone to help me out, that was what revitalized me and my spirit. But this year it’s like… kids didnt care anymore. The good kids were turning “bad” and the bad kids were turning “good”, and there was so much inconsistency with their engagement every lesson, day to day to week to week. Their energies were so inconsistent I felt hopeless. It’s ok now because “I am aware”, this inconsistency and instability is what is necessary to facilitate the change. Cant keep doing repair work on a system that is no longer functional. I’ll wait it out.
It’s only recently that I’ve realised just how much this “teacher” persona pervades all areas of my life. I never had to ask for help because that never worked for me before. But.. it’s really funny to me, I’m having to teach others how to teach me, or how to understand/relate to me. My learning style/s, and receptivity to particular… stimuli… perceived or felt or… whatever.
I dont fit into any particular single learning style. I’m a combination of them.. all? But it does begin with visuals.
I need visuals to give me direction and perspective. I need audible/aural to guide/reassure me if I go off track or “hit a wall”. And its through kinesthetic or doing that I’m able to… just do it. To figure out if I’ve done it correctly. Only through experience can I then “synthesize” it all. Test and practice and perfect the methodology so I can do it independently.
Words are fantastic at explaining something, to pass on that information, to share what I have learned. But words are fallible and are merely symbols to which we communicate ideas. Constrained by the laws of the 3rd dimension, we must communicate in a linear way. And when these written or spoken symbols are misinterpreted, because we must “go outside of time/space” to understand the context. Words have connotations which are subjective, and that’s where we end up missing the point, or the spirit, of the message.

Sorry again.

Trying to understand… me… learning to love myself and actually practising it… took away my efficiency in the here and now. I’m good at doing what I do, but i only know how to do it when i have no value in myself. I’m good at being a parent and a teacher and a housewife and doing whatever i need to do, because I’m well practiced at it so long as I had no value in myself.

I am happy to give of myself. It’s only when i entertain the idea that I could like myself at the same time, omg that’s where I become the selfish brat who i learned to hide and forget about deep deep inside of myself. And I cant do that. She cant ever be healed, at least not yet.

That’s why I felt like I was dying inside. I no longer feel that, the pain or hysteria associated with that idea. Probably because I’m better at forgetting, or because it might not have to be forever.

Liking or loving or healing myself removes my efficiency, or ability, to give to others.

I tried to tap into the solar plexus chakra, activate my mars, for extra energy. Whatever. I dont know. But last year I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. This year I realised the significance (trying to heal myself, I used knowledge I had previously gained from other studies I pursue on a whim). I chased every esoteric path looking for symbolic correspondences and it all comes back to… here. I guess if I wasn’t limited by my diabetes, I’d be unstoppable. And that much “power” is corruptible. It’s the 5 and 8 in my numerology… karmic debt of 13/4. So I can accept that… because of Maths. the relationship between the rational and irrational, explained without contextual bias (words) in numerical terms.

Omg sorry again. I just think or feel that… I should tell you. The way that I think, or do, or am… i dont know. It might be beneficial to know.


Claircognizance, or clairsentience.

If psychic phenomena is real, if my intuition is real…

I struggle to get across what I want to say, because I dont trust myself… I learned to… not trust… myself. But I trust my mind?

I obsess when i cant put things to rest. I talk or write too much because I need to sort through it all…

I am compelled to.. you and I. It might not be real or anything, I wont know until I’ve “put it out there”.

I can help you improve your practice in astrology, to help the next generation, this generation… by studying me. I am *a* bridge. I’m so particular with words and questions because I’m a tarot reader.. not professionally because I’ve never been able to trust my.. intuition, or my intention. Whether or not its selfishly (egotistically) driven.

You. I feel drawn to you… because your words, hearing the way you speak in your podcasts… following your patterns in speech. I couldn’t stand it at first because it mirrored my own. I’m a silly weirdo who goes on tangents. I dont often make “logical” sense when I’m speaking off the cuff. But I came back to your podcast when I recognized that I had to listen to it to understand the basics or what I already thought I knew. I knew some of it. And so I listened. And the more i did, I recognized myself in your way of speaking. You speak the way I did. And that helped make me feel ok.

You mirror part of me, the expression of my speech and thought patterns that evolved independently from any knowledge of you.

Listening to you made me feel like I wasn’t the only one who spoke or interacted like that.

I cant stop talking until I’ve said what I needed to say. I often dont know what I’m trying to get across because… the mind is much faster than the body. And i dont know what i know or think or feel to be true when i cant… explain it.

I know how to let go and when I let go. I just dont know when to let go… only when it happens, then I can.

I dont want to have to keep rereading what I’ve written as the editing process takes me away from my responsibilities. I just hope that the spirit of what I’ve written is communicated within the words of this email.

Ask questions for clarity.

I dont want to be a professional astrologer or tarot reader or anything as it is impractical for my situation. But I love this stuff. And I’m a teacher, not for subjects… but… just what I do, who I am. I am a fucking bridge. Hahaha. I dont know where i need to build it, or how I will be used. But I am a useful resource.

Just needed to get that part out there.


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I have included a link to her podcast here for posterity. Astro Mary

Present day: October 2018. I know I came across as such a crazy person and I am so sorry I said all my shit and just couldn’t stop. August was such a terrible month for me, and then I realise that I was struggling so fucking much because turns out I was pregnant. My conception date would have been July 8 (the first day of my last period, at that point).

Up the duff even before I did all that magicky woo stuff. Around the time I actually felt that it was possible to love myself….

And now. where am I? back at the beginning. no different. just different in my head. so what was the point of all of that? what am I to do with this knowledge? Just share it. Maybe someone can learn from it.

I don’t know how much you can learn from letters, though. But it’s something at least.

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