The Epistolaries

  • 2 x Belle
  • 1 x Universal
  • 5 x Mary

Over the next few days, I plan to schedule out these emails I had sent to a couple of people. I believe it’s fair documentation of  my experience over the course of this year. Well, actually, starting from 17 July, 2018. The date I sent this one out.

This is a long post, longer than the ones I usually write on here anyway. But It just goes to show that I am capable of writing a lot and a lot more if given the opportunity to write.

It’s important to practice self reflection, and to keep a journal or records of some sort as a form of documentation. It is beneficial to keep these as they help to put things into perspective when times are really fucking all over the place.

If you only journal when you’re depressed (like I have done… and tend to mostly do), try to remember what the good things are, and maybe include those in your journal too. You need to remind yourself that you are capable of surviving and continuing on no matter what life fucking throws at you.

Because life is constantly changing, and I feel so caught up in its waves… more so than ever….. But again… Life is constantly changing all around whether or not you notice. You can go sleep but that does not mean life stops around to wait for you. It continues, and it changes, even in imperceivable ways.

There are way too many times I just want to give up. I don’t wish to die, I merely wish to have never existed. I know that if I were to die it would cause pain and heartache (or even just frustration and stress, “ugh, now could not be more inconvenient”). I don’t want to add to all the drama and pain. There is enough shit in the world. I don’t want to make life fucking harder than it already is.

The Epistles Begin

17 July, 2018. (3rd draft)

Dear Benebell,

BTW, I know you are an insanely busy and in demand person. So I’d understand if you don’t respond. I actually don’t expect you to. But, if you have the time, I’d like to think that you would read all of this email. Take it in chunks at a time as I tend to ramble. If you don’t have the time, just read the first paragraph following this one. Either way, I need to get it (this, everything) “out there”.

Firstly, I want to express my deepest gratitude and praise for you and what you do. You’ve been a significant driving force in the development of my spirituality. If nothing else comes off this email, I know that I have reached out to you to let you know the profound, PROFOUND, impact your teachings have had on me, and my life, since the start of this year. Holy shit, right? Not that long at all since I came across your blog. Don’t let the “length time” diminish the significance though. This is really massive me emailing you. Not because I’m anyone important, but because it’s not what I do. I never reach out unless I absolutely have to and then it’s usually with some sort of resentment. But this, this is all gratitude and love your way.

(main message ends here. “sub message” follows)

Aha! But I am selfishly motivated. OMG I had to write this on paper a few times, chart and graph what I wanted to say so that it’d make sense, and you’d get where I am coming from, without judgement.

I’ve attached my birth chart, and that of my husband. Essentially that’s my map, and that’s what I’m going off. I’m showing you so you can see what I mean and where I’m coming from if I don’t explain it right.

(everything is connected, it’s all relevant. The same shit I do on the outside corresponds with what’s on the inside. I don’t do anything without purpose, and I’m motivated by my ego)

I want to connect with someone who will understand where I’m coming from, without judgement. I don’t need anything, or anyone, I know I am capable of this on my own. But I DESIRE someone to guide me and teach me.

I don’t want to pay money for it though. You no longer offer divinatory readings. I will pay you to give me a reading, although I have such circular thinking I struggle to give a coherent question. I am dissatisfied with my answers because my question isn’t right.

I have never asked for an astrological profile or reading because I know enough to do it myself. A lot of stuff has been going on leading up to this moment, and I have done a lot of growth and realisations… Jupiter is the “teacher”, and teacher is in Pisces in the 11th house. I’m looking for external validation, to help me with what’s inside.

Ideally, I want you to teach me, mentor me, guide me. I’m not externally high maintenance, mostly because I am internally high strung. I just need someone to talk to and who’ll “get it”, when I’m under crises. When it just all “gets too much”. I also totally understand that you don’t have time to take on that kind of responsibility. I just wanted to lay out my cards on the table. Writing the email in the first place is essentially all I need.

I ask you because I respect you. You and my husband share qualities I have come to associate with respect. And he’s the only person I’ve ever really trusted. So I feel like I can trust you. I don’t want to be shown “someone who can help me out” because I don’t trust anyone’s help will be the right help.

Your blog has been synchronistic with my questions. It has to be you. You are the key to my Jupiter, my guide. Either as a mentor (ongoing interaction), teacher (reading), or your blog posts (sign post). I would not pay you for mentorship, but I would pay for a reading.

My husband is the yang to my yin, seriously. We are complimentary opposites. At least that is how we work. With him I need nothing/noone else, and through him I am learning to… work on my flaws. I can only describe our relationship through archetypes, with him I know I’m not alone. He is teaching me so much. But this is a spiritual crisis, or series of crises. And with a stellium in Scorpio, everything is essentially a crisis… He’s not spiritual. He accepts what I’m talking about and listens, and doesn’t judge. BUT because he doesn’t get the significance of what I’m going through… “an existential crisis”. Then back to the beginning, I feel alone.

I’m not bothered about existentialism. If keywords help to put who/what I subscribe to… I’m “miscellaneous”, I take bits of whatever I like from wherever, and apply it in a new way. I subscribe to absurdism and anarchy. I even label myself as a philosophical atheist. I argue the definition of god, and recognising the existence of any higher power doesn’t require one’s worship. Life has no meaning and it’s pointless to try, but it does give pleasure. I don’t bother or judge anyone for what they do as they have their own motivations, and I would like that to also be reciprocated. Essentially, we’re all alone, but that’s okay. Make the most out of it, cause no harm.

I think too much, too deeply, and can not get out of my head. Astrology has helped me understand that. I know what I need to do because I’ve seen it in my chart. As I work on my limitations… OMG here I go, losing it. At least I have my written plan to help me out.

There are fundamental changes happening in me. I can’t trust the light within because it’s fucking bouncing off of everything. If the ascendent is the lens through which one’s inner light shines through.. I can’t see clearly so I can’t trust what I’m seeing… I can’t tell what’s my ego (sun), my emotions (moon), or if it’s the result of my conditioning (growing up I had mummy issues, the source of my inner insecurity. I was never good enough, why couldn’t I be more like other people and their specific strengths)

I need to be seen, recognised, and understood. I know that is something I have to do and work on my own. That’s fine. It would just be nice to be understood since I can’t trust myself, because I don’t love myself.

Every path I take, every discovery I make, leads me back to you and your books. I just purchased the Tao of Craft this afternoon, as I was typing this email. Trying to figure out how to explain myself, the difference between someone’s essence and essential qualities… lead me to tao. And I’m like “no fucking way”. I never bought that book because Tao mysticism didn’t resonate with me. I don’t spend money (on myself) unless I absolutely have to.

I have to send this to you now before I end up wasting my day. That’s one of my current issues, knowing when to let things go. Once I start, I can’t stop. I am the earth. I am earth and water. I don’t know when to stop. Jain* is fire and air. He helps me to stop. He helps me to be “more” and actually present and aware of what’s going on around me. But I can’t realistically function with him always there, I have to learn to do it on my own.

And there I go again.

Hopefully one day, if you ever reach the end of this email, I will hear back from you. Then I can say more. I have a lot to say. I always do….

I’m unbalanced. Too much water, and earth. And at the same time too much air. Jain* is my fire, teaching me to access my inner fire, hidden way way deep deep down in there.

23 July 2018

Dear Benebell,

I think I get it now, your role in this, my spiritual teacher person my Jupiter.

You will be my teacher. I dont need you to do any readings or anything. I can do that myself. I will be enrolling in your astrology course. Actually pretty much all of the courses you offer. Your teaching style matches my learning style so the course structures you deliver are perfect for me.

I’m all about printing off paper references and workbooks and guides as that is how I organise my life and everything. What stops me from starting is not knowing where to begin. Basically i have all of these resources and journals but i struggle starting as i dont want to spend money on printing until i know how i will be organising them. A5 is cheaper but i can fit more on a4. It’s hard to print through 3rd party services unless I put set it up for them. And how do I organize them?

Your astrology course will help me organise my astrology shit. Tarot courses for my tarot shit.

Resource folder of other peoples stuff.

Astrology, tarot, numerology, chakras, colours, qabbalah, hermeticism, tantra, madras, geometry, archetypal figures, mythological characters, correspondences.

Journals for my practise and progress. My path.

Consolidating my knowledge from all of these different things. My own interpretations of the various symbols and methods.

Books of mirrors.

Book of shadows.


I’m stuck not knowing where to start. I dont want to invest my money printing and binding and organizing until I figure that shit out.

I need to plan this out before I begin. I’m just worried that I’m the perpetual planner who never begins. It’s necessary for me to organise shit I’m efficient. I’m also aware that starting/stopping is my problem and the only solution is to have faith and just jump. Just start not knowing where it ends. But money is not just my money, it’s the family’s money. Responsibility.

The need to develop my spirituality is interfering with my ability to participate in the physical world.

I keep spiraling or getting lost as I read and research. And it’s all relevant to my path.  But I dont know if this is path working? It doesn’t matter really.

Defining things is important as then I have a framework to go from. But everyone has a different interpretation of the same word, the definitions aren’t the same. Then I have to figure out what is usable from their framework and reconfigure it to fit what I need. Or basically adapting the stuff.

As a computer I’m incredibly efficient but need a program to function. Unable to auto run the program without external activation.

These are all separate bits of code that need to be embedded in the program. But what are the functions and sub functions. How is it supposed to fit in to the rest of the operating system? Prioritisation of certain formulas and programs.

I’ve backwards mapped to discover the problem, and now have to fix all subsequent programs.

I was chasing the wrong thing.

Thinking out loud, writing to myself.

27 July 2018

Leo. That’s the key to solving this. It’s the root of the issue. The most effective means is through direct activation. Being selfish to do what I need to do. But selfish acts cant be isolated, even if i can explain the necessity. To be the best I can be I have to learn to love myself first, then I can get back to the job, do what I do.
But because i dont know how long it will take following that path, trouble shooting, it is unsustainable, and thereby inefficient.
I have to take the much longer way. I have to figure out how to cross the divide between not only water and fire, but through air and earth. This is what fucks me up because then I lose all sense of myself. The path leaves water. I dont know which of me to hold on to. If any part. I have to navigate the houses to get to the signs. It’s stupid. Illogical. Ineffective and inefficient. The energy output way way way outstrips the energy within. It makes no sense to do it this way, but it is what the world needs of me.
I hate it.
I need to confront my mum. I need to go through cancer in the 3rd to get to Leo in the 4th. I am resistant because it hurts. It hurts because I cant do that. She brings out the worst in me. I’m the child again. She still criticizes, I should do things her way or a different way. Or even if she doesn’t mean it, I don’t know how else to interpret her. I see she does the same to my daughter, so she hasn’t learned no matter how many times I’ve tried to explain it, that her words or jokes are hurtful and degrading. She doesn’t understand so cant understand, or she wont understand. I dont understand her enough to bridge the gap.
I could try. But then us have to use words like jesus and jehovah and the devil… everything that to me is a lie. I dont want to lie. I dont lie. It can be necessary sometimes. But in order to bridge this gap I have to lie to both of us. And that’s not real. Its bullshit.
I need to learn aries. But to to do so I need to give up aries. And I’m afraid that’s the end. I dont know when it ends there.
And I feel I have come all this way to realise it’s the end of the road. And I hate myself. If it’s the end then I’m a fool for buying into the idea of hope. But if it’s not the end then I dont really “learn the lesson”. Its not real sacrifice if you know you’ll get out of it. But if it’s real then what was the fucking point of finding out.
My mum is a capricorn and my dad was a sagittarius. My Neptune is in capricorn. So the only way through is pisces. But people dont give back, they never have, or their intentions were not clear.
Neptune links to pisces in the 11th house and jupiter is there.
And my kids hate me. Or rather my daughter hates me



The second person I ended up emailing. The seond stranger I felt compelled to correspond to. I had been listening to her podcast, which lead me to her books. I read one about indigo children and was like “nup, that’s it. I’ll send her my chart so she can continue her studies!”
She responded quite promptly actually, so I answered some of her questions. And then the following week I realise I had inadvertently volunteered myself for a podcast reading! Hah! OMG I felt so ashamed. I didn’t distinguish why I was sending her the charts, I just left drawn to. Turns out she had asked people on her podcast to send their charts in to share.
I was mortified, indignant, which started the spiral out into mania… I will share that email next….

25 July 2018

Hi Mary,
My details:
Life path 5, decisive age 32 (which I turn this year), destiny/expression 8, personality and soul urge of 3 & 5.
Scorpio stellium, scorpio sun, Taurus ascendant and moon, diurnal chart. Malefic Mars in MC.
I write too much: you can study my birth chart, if you want to. I feel like its “special”. But my path includes further astrological study, so I am not requesting confirmation or a reading of any kind.
This year so far has been a huge one of spiritual self discovery. Everything  in my life has lead me to this point and I recognize what I need to do to move forward. I want to be understood and only my birthchart will get that across.
This year it’s like everything (my interests, life experiences, what I do, everything about who I am and why I am the way that I am) has converged to this point. I recognized my faults and what I had to do to fix them, and everything that stands in my way. Which is me. It’s all my fault really but that’s besides the point.
Sorry I tend to yammer on. I feel like “I’m special” or “different” and whether or not I am, that doesn’t mean that my story needs to be told. Maybe at the end of all this it will be the basis of some novel only I would ever write.
I’ve met my soul mate. And we’re both indigos. And there’s no one like us. He’s helped me learn to love myself and I’m not quite there yet but eventually I will be. And that will in turn help me to learn to trust myself.
As an astrologer I am offering you my birth chart for your own study. I will eventually learn everything but cant get sucked down the rabbit hole away from my responsibilities in life, no matter how important I believe “my work” to be. And my chart can also shed light on why *I* find it hard to read my own chart.
As someone who is already an expert, you’ll have no issues reading this. And it will probably drive you to ask questions, but it might not.
Then let it be a birthchart that sits in your inbox that you can check out whenever you fancy. If you get this far through the email and having looked at my natal chart, decide it’s worth investigating, I can send his chart if you request it.
Our birth charts are all I need to show as proof. Our numerology numbers are further supporting evidence.
Thank you so much for your podcast. It’s what has helped me so much.
I dont expect a response. Sending this to you in the first place is enough for me. Any response from you will be exciting but not at all necessary.
Thanks for everything again.
Ps. I just finished listening to episode 20. I always wanted to be special, and never felt comfortable identifying as an “indigo” because I couldn’t tell if it was just my ego… wanting something to be true is not the same as the truth. But also realizing that there are millions of others like me. Even if I’m not like them


Side note, present day.

Shit really started to spiral out of fucking control. This Lovely lady asked me a simpled question about any questions or topics that might help to make my case relatable?

And off went my motor-mouth. Blah blah rant rant type type. It felt amazing that someone was actually going to listen to me and maybe answer some unasked questions. Holy shit. And my incessant, unceasing yammering meant that my message was perhaps not so well received or understood.

Learn astrology with Mary, eisode 84.

26 July 2018

Hi Mary,

I’ll send through his chart too. And the chart I made for our wedding, and while I’m at it I’ll throw in the chart of our two kids. HAHA.
I see my husband and I like two halves of the same whole. I can really only explain it through archetypal metaphors. He is Hades and I am Kore/Persephone. He is the beginning and end, and I am the infinite in between. Without him, I am the gaia. I am inert, and I don’t do anything unless called forth unto action.
I don’t know what to ask about my chart because there is nothing to ask of it. Not yet, anyway. If I had a question, I’d know how to answer it… I guess I struggle the most with my ego.. How much of this “inner light” is really my inner light, my ascendant and moon are opposite my sun. My chart ruler is in its dominion, but detriment by sign. My sun sign ruler is less than a degree conjunct my first house/moon ruler. Neptune is the veil and I can’t trust whatever I think I “know” because am I looking past the veil or at it?! My questions and questing… STRIVING, DESPERATELY STRIVING for inner peace… In order to trust myself, I have to learn to love myself… And again, how can I possibly love myself? How much of all my limitations is actually real, and how much is just me holding myself back, how much have I fallen victim to my conditioning, how much am I just driven by selfish ego? I am the queen of cups. I give everything to everyone all of the time, and my cup runneth empty. No one ever gives back, unless told under no uncertain terms. I don’t ask because I shouldn’t have to. No one fills my cup back up, except myself. And to do that I need to do nothing by myself. But the world doesn’t accept idleness…
I just want to be loved, just as I am, not for anything I do/can do, without judgement. I want to see myself the way James sees me. And then a month ago, I did. I felt whole. I felt exposed in front of him, our minds finally realising where we were so discordant – it was our ideas of what “effort” was. He didn’t see me as putting effort in, as I should strive for more than “the bare minimum”, whereas I saw just actually doing something as the effort. Why do more than is necessary? You do it right, you do it once.
And a bunch of spiritual stuff came together were I transcended madness. I share everything with him, because he gets the way I work. But I couldn’t explain it, and every attempt just frustrated me even more. I was basically manic, it was obsessive mania. It was serious, so many processes and layers, following the light or path or connections, but without a thorough knowledge of mathematical formulae of planes and irrational and infinity… My problem was I was trying the rationalise the irrational, and we are limited to our three dimensional plane. Everything came together and I felt whole. I actually felt free to be ALL OF ME, the dark and the light.
Rode that high for a couple of weeks and then came crashing down. It’s not about me. Even though I want it to be me, it can’t be. Fortune blossomed in my spirit, which Jain doesn’t understand but accepts. But while we were enjoying ourselves, it took us away from facing the physical world. Not so much of a problem for him, but a problem for me. Selfishly indulging my own interests and self, I lost my place in the real world and thus my innate talents and skills… I forgot stuff, and let the house get messy, and couldn’t express myself, I got lost inside myself and struggled … in existing.
And I mourned, oh how I mourned. I had to make a choice, for the sake of my family, and so I chose practicality. I had to stop chasing my tail in pursuit of spiritual endeavours as it was impacting my ability to be present. Which again I resent. Why do I have to sacrifice myself? I did that once when I was a kid. I repressed everything I thought was special about myself, I never felt loved by my mother (her idea of helping me improve was to compare me to everyone else, why couldn’t I be like this person, or that person. cherry picking the best single quality of a variety of individuals and I, a single child, was a disappointment for not already embodying all of those varying qualities. She also joked that they found me in a the bin and no one wanted me. She thinks these jokes are funny) or accepted by society. Any search for my self and self discovery, every path that felt right was “wrong”, or felt right at the start and then wrong later on. Every other path that felt wrong was supposed to be “right”. Good and evil, isn’t it perspective? Everyone has their own side and story and you can’t judge them all because it’s different to yours.
I am Lilith healed, I am vengeful Virgin Mary. I’m not evil, but I don’t know this “god”, there is no “god”, I don’t want to ascend to any “god”. We are god, I am god. but not god… goddess. In the beginning, the spirit of god moved across the waters. I am the waters. The opposite of god, but that doesn’t mean I’m bad. I just want to be. Just me. But whole, loved, and complete.
My north node is in the 12th house, aries. The inner sacrifice of the ego. I have been very fortunate with my “gifts” or “luck”, and now I am without.
Essentially I don’t want to schism, I’m afraid of dying again, inner dying. I can’t love myself, at least not yet. Before I can put myself back together I have to learn to trust others, so I can trust myself. And to make sure it’s not selfishly motivated, I have to left go of my ego and trust that I get to be whole again at some point in any future.
Shit, I have diverged way off track. Wanting to “tell my story” as if it matters to anyone other than me. And my need to be heard and understood… Is that because I have something important to share that should be heard? Or am I just trying to validate myself since I have no self worth of my own? I’m no one. I’m whoever others need me to be. I’m useful, or I want to be useful. I want to be worth something. And not just an invisible understanding, but I want to be acknowledged so then I know I’m not alone. That there is value to me, more than what I can do for others…
If Jain and I didn’t have kids, we’d be perfect. We’d be free to indulge in our private, quiet, introverted, completely complimentary ways. But we created kids intentionally, as a physical manifestation of our love. Neither of us wanted kids before, but it felt right. And now they’re 10 and almost 7. Our daughter is like us, intense like us. The strongest of our traits are manifest in her. I’m afraid for her, I don’t want her to become like me, and James doesn’t want her to be like him either. And then there is our son, who is different to other kids, but different to the 3 of us. I’m afraid he might grow up messed up having me as his mum. Jain said not to worry about it, he’s not like us so he won’t think like we do. It will never cross his mind. I’m afraid the world will crush his gentle, kind and loving spirit.
But me talking about what a wonderful and special family I have… We’re normal for us, but we’re not normal like the rest of the world. Or at least the immediate community which we can see. I need to stop trying to look for external validation and just exist here and now, and not expect anything in return.
I need to “reach out”, so the world can see the fruits of my efforts. And I forgot where I was going with this… My Jupiter 11th house Pisces. It’s only through other people, external unbiased physical people, and just engaging with the world, only there can I find my way. Through a network, person, blog, or following a trail of links to an article. Whenever I’m ready, I’ll know what to ask the chart or the cards, by knowing the question I’ll be ready for the answer.
OH CASE STUDIES. Use my chart for empty houses, mutual reception/contradictory sign/house rulership, mental illness, seeking spirituality, psychic confusion and self doubt, … Synastry with my partner and the behaviour of saturn, my venus flanked by both his and my own pluto… the part of fortune/south node/pallas conjunction. Oh, chiron!
Maybe it’d be interesting for you to know that both of my parents had pluto in leo, in their fifth house when they were born. That’s probably me, their very intense (and thus internally/eternally conflicted) “confident” eventual scorpio only-child.
I don’t know… You can ask questions if you think of anything.
Hope I didn’t waffle TOO much. Haha. Thanks again.

01 August 2018

Hi Mary,
OMG I started freaking out when I went to your podcast and laughing and being so nervous when I saw that you actually used my chart for your podcast. I guess because I didnt expect you to put it on there and I guess I would have strongly edited my email. I feel that my word choices were quite poor. Especially in regards to my kids.
I wanted to make clear for you that I didnt mean that I regretted having kids. I am a high school teacher and I love my children. I just want to give to others, but as I try to heal my self (so much repressed issues), I struggle to switch between wearing the different hats. The mum, the full time teacher, the household manager, the finder of lost things, the fixer of problems, I’m so many things to others and I lack the time and energy to be able to recharge. I dont want to ask for others to give back to me because I feel so selfish. And awareness of my needs… oh gosh, I feel selfish for thinking of myself at all. I mean, I could never ask that of anyone.
I am grateful for my children. I really am. I’ve been doing so much soul searching and what I wrote to you really was very long. So in short, I wanted to be valued for more than what I do for others. I am more than just the sum of my parts (the roles I play in others lives, my interests and responsibilities).
What I meant by reality… what is real to me is not real to others. My emotions, feelings, instincts, intuition. From when I was a child, any subconscious fear, or “psychic” anything, anything that could not be objectively observed or verified… I was taught that it was wrong, or I misunderstood, or… basically, if I thought, felt or heard something, if I had to “interpret” words or intentions, it was usually wrong. Misunderstanding instructions, or intentions, or hearing/seeing something… it’s because I wanted to misunderstand? It’s because I wanted to see/feel/think that.
I ask a lot of questions because if I dont, I will get it wrong. I ask a lot of “why” questions, when I was a kid and even as an adult. When I was a kid it was because it was learned behaviour. As an adult, i am able to track that back to my childhood. My parents did the best they could. It’s just unfortunate that they got stuck with “me”.
I dont want to be that for my kids. I’m not worried about them because I know they’re already stronger than I was. And they have supportive parents. I just cant take time to “fix/heal” myself, because innately… isnt it all just in my head? I dont want to be one of those people who blames their parents. It’s not their fault, they are the result of their own upbringing.
I know I’m responsible for my life. I’m trying to be. But… I cant heal myself because I am responsible for others. I cant take that time because it takes me away from others. 5 – 10 minutes is not long enough, nor do I get the chance often enough. I can rest my body, but it takes far more time and effort and energy to heal my heart and soul.
I resent having responsibilities at this particular time. To be the best I can be for others, I have to heal myself. But I dont have the time or energy to do that. So, I can be good enough the fractured way that I already am, because that’s good enough for others. And that makes me sad. I wish i didnt feel like that.
I love my kids, and I know that I’m broken. I dont want them to end up like me, and they won’t.
You asked on your podcast why 80s kids struggle with being parents? Because we are aware of our own short comings, we are the bridge from the old generation to the new crystal children. We continue to cross the divide. The previous ways of thinking and being are being changed into something new. But because of the way that we are… or at least the way that I am…. that’s another part of me that is getting torn apart. I know I have to “let go” when the new ways of being and thinking and doing are established, I’m just afraid I’ll let go of the wrong thing. I’ll get it wrong like I always have.
I’m afraid that I really am just a victim of my own conditioning. Whether it was influenced from the outside or from within doesn’t matter. Again, it was just “all in my head”.
Thinking this way, that there even is some “new to replace the old” kind of thing, also cant be real. All because I think or feel something doesn’t make it true.
I read the healing pluto problems book after your podcast and laughed. I saw it fitting that it referenced the hades moon it was the archetype I used to describe my relationship with my partner. I feel that is not my problem, I’ve realised I’m fed up with the education system I work in. Its exhausting and also infuriating that I can identify the problems within myself or with others but dont know what to do about any of it. I am good at holding on, that what scorpios do… it will change, the system will change eventually. It’s not my path to be part of that but to help others deal with its affects.
I didnt offer my chart to be used in a podcast. I offered it after I read your indigo book, because I felt that my chart (and the chart of my family) might help shed light on… something? I feel like it might help improve.. not improve, but… shed light? On… interpretion methods and practices. You are an expert, and if you felt compelled to research something, about “what’s happening, why stuff is different nowadays”, our charts might shed insight on to that. I had zero intentions of you doing a reading on my family publically. Omg no, just to use as research.
I’m glad you used my chart because it helped me to accept that I do have some sort of “psychic” ability. You told me to trust it. And that’s the exact push I needed to know. You answered my question without my saying the question. My real question didnt become apparent until after I emailed you the second time. I couldn’t trust myself. I still dont trust myself, at least when it comes to stuff about myself… but I do trust my ability to help others. I can trust my psychic intuition when it comes to others. But I dont trust it with myself because I dont know if it’s real or selfishly motivated.
Thank you again.
I write to sort out my thoughts as it helps to give me clarity on myself. But unfortunately when I do edit my work, it removes the context to which I came to that particular choice of wording.
If you’re interested in any time in the future, I still give permission to use our charts as research in perfecting and modifying astrological practices. But i dont give permission for the birth data to be shared. Like… i dont know. I would like you to ask me questions so i know how to answer them or what to further explain. I hope that made sense.
Thanks for the podcast reading anyway!! I’m up to episode 41. Hehe
Bye bye now.

01 August, 2018.

Sorry another email.
I’m an educator. An English teacher by qualification (masters degree of teaching, bachelor of english). Why I choose whatever doesn’t matter, but it’s relevant to my teaching philosophy…
I dont actually care that much for the curriculum or student achievement in particular subjects. Everyone has different strengths and learning styles. I just wanted to be there for kids like a couple of teachers were for me.
When I was struggling with so much at school, (socially, not academically) there were a couple of teachers who really helped me, they related to me. And I want to “give back”, I want kids to know that it’s going to be okay. I want to teach/show them “how not to be a dick” hahaha.
Knowing and feeling I was making a difference was what helped me function well and I didn’t need to ask anyone to help me out, that was what revitalized me and my spirit. But this year it’s like… kids didnt care anymore. The good kids were turning “bad” and the bad kids were turning “good”, and there was so much inconsistency with their engagement every lesson, day to day to week to week. Their energies were so inconsistent I felt hopeless. It’s ok now because “I am aware”, this inconsistency and instability is what is necessary to facilitate the change. Cant keep doing repair work on a system that is no longer functional. I’ll wait it out.
It’s only recently that I’ve realised just how much this “teacher” persona pervades all areas of my life. I never had to ask for help because that never worked for me before. But.. it’s really funny to me, I’m having to teach others how to teach me, or how to understand/relate to me. My learning style/s, and receptivity to particular… stimuli… perceived or felt or… whatever.
I dont fit into any particular single learning style. I’m a combination of them.. all? But it does begin with visuals.
I need visuals to give me direction and perspective. I need audible/aural to guide/reassure me if I go off track or “hit a wall”. And its through kinesthetic or doing that I’m able to… just do it. To figure out if I’ve done it correctly. Only through experience can I then “synthesize” it all. Test and practice and perfect the methodology so I can do it independently.
Words are fantastic at explaining something, to pass on that information, to share what I have learned. But words are fallible and are merely symbols to which we communicate ideas. Constrained by the laws of the 3rd dimension, we must communicate in a linear way. And when these written or spoken symbols are misinterpreted, because we must “go outside of time/space” to understand the context. Words have connotations which are subjective, and that’s where we end up missing the point, or the spirit, of the message.

Sorry again.

Trying to understand… me… learning to love myself and actually practising it… took away my efficiency in the here and now. I’m good at doing what I do, but i only know how to do it when i have no value in myself. I’m good at being a parent and a teacher and a housewife and doing whatever i need to do, because I’m well practiced at it so long as I had no value in myself.

I am happy to give of myself. It’s only when i entertain the idea that I could like myself at the same time, omg that’s where I become the selfish brat who i learned to hide and forget about deep deep inside of myself. And I cant do that. She cant ever be healed, at least not yet.

That’s why I felt like I was dying inside. I no longer feel that, the pain or hysteria associated with that idea. Probably because I’m better at forgetting, or because it might not have to be forever.

Liking or loving or healing myself removes my efficiency, or ability, to give to others.

I tried to tap into the solar plexus chakra, activate my mars, for extra energy. Whatever. I dont know. But last year I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. This year I realised the significance (trying to heal myself, I used knowledge I had previously gained from other studies I pursue on a whim). I chased every esoteric path looking for symbolic correspondences and it all comes back to… here. I guess if I wasn’t limited by my diabetes, I’d be unstoppable. And that much “power” is corruptible. It’s the 5 and 8 in my numerology… karmic debt of 13/4. So I can accept that… because of Maths. the relationship between the rational and irrational, explained without contextual bias (words) in numerical terms.

Omg sorry again. I just think or feel that… I should tell you. The way that I think, or do, or am… i dont know. It might be beneficial to know.

Claircognizance, or clairsentience.

If psychic phenomena is real, if my intuition is real…

I struggle to get across what I want to say, because I dont trust myself… I learned to… not trust… myself. But I trust my mind?

I obsess when i cant put things to rest. I talk or write too much because I need to sort through it all…

I am compelled to.. you and I. It might not be real or anything, I wont know until I’ve “put it out there”.

I can help you improve your practice in astrology, to help the next generation, this generation… by studying me. I am *a* bridge. I’m so particular with words and questions because I’m a tarot reader.. not professionally because I’ve never been able to trust my.. intuition, or my intention. Whether or not its selfishly (egotistically) driven.

You. I feel drawn to you… because your words, hearing the way you speak in your podcasts… following your patterns in speech. I couldn’t stand it at first because it mirrored my own. I’m a silly weirdo who goes on tangents. I dont often make “logical” sense when I’m speaking off the cuff. But I came back to your podcast when I recognized that I had to listen to it to understand the basics or what I already thought I knew. I knew some of it. And so I listened. And the more i did, I recognized myself in your way of speaking. You speak the way I did. And that helped make me feel ok.

You mirror part of me, the expression of my speech and thought patterns that evolved independently from any knowledge of you.

Listening to you made me feel like I wasn’t the only one who spoke or interacted like that.

I cant stop talking until I’ve said what I needed to say. I often dont know what I’m trying to get across because… the mind is much faster than the body. And i dont know what i know or think or feel to be true when i cant… explain it.

I know how to let go and when I let go. I just dont know when to let go… only when it happens, then I can.

I dont want to have to keep rereading what I’ve written as the editing process takes me away from my responsibilities. I just hope that the spirit of what I’ve written is communicated within the words of this email.

Ask questions for clarity.

I dont want to be a professional astrologer or tarot reader or anything as it is impractical for my situation. But I love this stuff. And I’m a teacher, not for subjects… but… just what I do, who I am. I am a fucking bridge. Hahaha. I dont know where i need to build it, or how I will be used. But I am a useful resource.

Just needed to get that part out there.


I have included a link to her podcast here for posterity. Astro Mary

Present day: October 2018. I know I came across as such a crazy person and I am so sorry I said all my shit and just couldn’t stop. August was such a terrible month for me, and then I realise that I was struggling so fucking much because turns out I was pregnant. My conception date would have been July 8 (the first day of my last period, at that point).

Up the duff even before I did all that magicky woo stuff. Around the time I actually felt that it was possible to love myself….

And now. where am I? back at the beginning. no different. just different in my head. so what was the point of all of that? what am I to do with this knowledge? Just share it. Maybe someone can learn from it.

I don’t know how much you can learn from letters, though. But it’s something at least.

Work opportunity! (UNPAID since 191018)

Modern Mystic Mother is a domain, however it is also a blog because it’s on WordPress. I made this place because I just wanted to write and I couldn’t speak to J about all my crap all the time, I really was just using up all the air in the room to just talk.. and talk.. and talk… after 5 hours he’s like “Ok, I don’t want to listen anymore. You’re not talking to me, you’re talking at me.” HOW DARE HE. 

So I took that cut with grace, got hurt but got over it. So then I’d make sure I would allow him chance to talk about stuff he wanted to. Like cars, and mechanisms, and electronic advancements in gadgets, and cars, and machines, and technical technics of stuff. I thought I was a great listener. I liked to listen and learn, I also like to get involved because I love to participate.

Apparently (his words) I’d let him talk for maybe 10 minutes because I’d interrupt and make it about me again. PFFT. What would he know? I was the master communicator, he barely does anything.


But that isn’t exactly true. I’m a great bagpipe. I just go on and on and on, I could talk for hours really because THERE IS NO FILTER between my brain and my mouth when I’m in the company of those I love. That’s why people think I’m so extroverted, because I am able to just “blah” on in perpetuity.

But like any musical instrument, I’m pretty useless at making myself work in a way that is practical and beautiful. I’m just so narcissistic and self-inflated that I could go on forever ABOUT ME, but I need to not talk about me… I want to talk about other people.

BUT!!!! They can relate to me through my stories. That’s how they can trust me. But they don’t have to trust me. But! They probably should, I know what the fuck I’m talking about. BUTT….. There are a lot of butts. and I cannot lie, baby’s got back.


That’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situation. You’re better off not knowing.

The internet is difficult to navigate because people listen to me because they can relate to me, however without my face on here, they have no “face to the voice”. Which is pretty much why god is dead but people love jesus. Jesus had a face, or a physical form that people can attribute his teachings to. Like Buddha. Or the moon.

People need a fucking common noun to which they can envision the abstract noun. SEMIOTICS and SEMANTICS

Without a face to go with these blog posts and teachings and whatever, I may as well be a potato. A special magic potato that has the ability to write and type and stuff without arms, legs, fingers or toes. Or a green and budding pot plant.

You want me to be that girl? I could be any girl for all you know. I could be totally banging and hot stuff in your imagination. Just another sexy clone who relies on her hot body and her pretty face to sell some bullshit whatever diet magic formula. Or a different model… perhaps the funny fat friend, or the shy art geek, or the fake AF gamer girl, or the goth-not-goth, or the crazy nut job… Or not even a girl. I could be a dude.


I’m the reason your dreams work.

Okay oh K, I really should take Shang’s advice and get the fridge down to business if I’m going to be in any shape to defeat the huuuuuugnnnnnns…. (imagine sound of stress and futile exertion of trying to move and immovable object. Like a really hard poop)

This is why I really wish I still had Sara in my life… She’d be all up on this shit. She’d know EXACTLY what do to, because she could pretty much read my mind. We were like super powered psionic twins, man. Just… *hmm* I never had to explain my crazy, she just got it.

Instead, I will just pretend a whole bunch of different people are her. And I’ll bring them here! And you can even pretend to just maybe have a glimpse of her friggen genius ability at….. stuff! ALL OF THE STUFFS!



In order to make my pseudo-science-meta-physics-METAPHORICAL Frankenstein’s monster (Frankenstein was the mad scientist, the monster was the creation ICYDK), I’m putting a call out for expressions of interest for/from….

  • Writers
  • Graphic designers
  • Web master person or some shit.

I’m relying on the help of friends and the generosity of strangers. I have no money to give you. But also, don’t think you’re “doing me a favour” by volunteering. I may be loving and caring and friendly or whatever, but I am brutal. I am… ugh, I don’t even know. I am just honest and brutal and I am not about pussyfooting or beating around any bush. I will chainsaw that bush if I felt that it was necessary and then burn it in fire because I like to burn things… with .. fire.

If you want to work with me, you’re going to need to have some thick skin. I have destroyed people’s lives and minds with my … bullshit just whatever the hell it is that’s me. There are 3 people who could name and shame me for the wreckage I’ve left in their lives. There are a bunch of others who have NO IDEA what I did or orchestrated because of whatever thingy I had planned in my brain, but if they did oh boy. I deserve that shit.

There’s only 1 person who could call me out for my shit, but loved me enough to not leave. He helped me learn to love myself. That’s my husband. That’s J.

So! BUYER BEWARE! VOLUNTEER WITH VOLITION! To survive an ongoing relationship with me, you have to know yourself. Trust yourself. I need someone to help call me out on my bullshit, or to say “yeah, nah, that’s not going to work” or whatever whatever. Because even if I get hurt, it’s okay. I’ll get over it, but I’ll need you to also get over any perceived hurt too. I’m still the big mmmama here. It’s a little complicated though… much like a sexy switch. You never know what’s going to flip it.

More proposing propositional proposals Part 2ude

I am very, very picky. I am a control freak. A bizarrely laid-back, doesn’t-give-a-fuck CONTROL FREAK. Another one of my beautifully complex, contradictory oxymoronic quirks. Yup (it’s exhausting just existing). is essentially a massive self wankfest. You come here and watch me get all up on my personal personality super sick wisdom and whatever. I’m just “yeah, I’m a performance artiste! The extraneous E on the end of artistE makes me fancy!” Because I’m all about giving it that bit extra…


e is for extra

I like people because I can relate to them. But this whole thingy right here? MODERN MYSTIC MOTHER? (I’m just going to call it mmmother in short for now) This is my own personal golden calf idol, that we all come to and worship, and it’s engraved in my own image! BUT It’s only a representation of me. It’s not the real me. I’m the real me, the person behind the computer who is furiously typing away and rambling about random (not random to me?) topics, soaring on the wings of imaginary winds and tirades.

You only see part of me, the part I want you to see. Because I dunno, that’s the image I have constructed for myself in this dominion of the digitalized. For the people who may or may not be part of my hip little elite squadron of stuff…

I’m sure I will come up with a better name to call ourselves, at some point… so far, it’s just me but I am using collective pronouns as I’m garbage when I’m by myself… I’m a team player so long as the team revolves around me…

You’re going to need to meet some specific criteria depending on your contribution or collaborative efforts…

  • Don’t take yourself too seriously. Have a sense of humour, even if you’re the only one who thinks you’re funny.
  • Have a passion for MY OWN art of arts (ideally all, but it doesn’t have to be)
    • Mysticism, fine art, performance art, music.
    • Metaphysics, philosophy, spirituality, sexuality.
    • Language, love, experiences, psychoanalysis.
    • Open communication, honest education, killing (figurative) stuff.
      • sharing, smiting, smiling.
  • Actually collaborate and talk to me. I’m all about giving credit. I’m just being honest and open from the start here.
    • mmmother is going to be huge one day, and I’m going to effing rock it like a rocket.
    • I want to bask in your reflected glory. And you bask in my reflected glory. MUTUAL SELF-WANKERY!
    • Happy to link when it’s something I 100% stand by. Sometimes it might take a while before I get around to it, as it depends on a bunch of other influencing or extenuating factors.
  • Be strong enough to withstand my sometimes shit storm craziness. Once it’s out of my system and I’ve had enough time to lick my wounds and sulk about my shittiness, I’ll be back. Don’t sweat it. But don’t push it either. IT’S JUST PART OF MY PROCESS OF … COPING.

I want my principles to never be questioned. Anything that I shove up on here is an entirely factual representation of me. But facts can be distorted when they are taken out of context.


I have stated before the things I absolutely hate. And have also acknowledged I can be utterly hypocritical. Thus the necessity for you to be firm enough to stand your ground, but soft enough to not be a stubborn prick.

I’m a teacher, not a great content producer. Although I am good at coming up with ideas! I think that’s why Sara and I were such a fucking brilliant team. I was always in “the middle” somewhere. And so was she. But we had different ideas of what that was. How we complimented each other was different…

I am clearly a HALFIE – my ethnicity isn’t obvious, as it’s a mix of 2 distinct racial groups. Everything on my “outside” shows that I’m a mix of stuff (height, skin colour, accent, interests.. even clothes and shoes I’m in between sizes.) I was so used to “being different” I was forced to know exactly who I was and stuff like that from a very young age.

Sara looked like everyone else on the outside, but on the inside she didn’t feel like that. She was too extreme in general: 100% one way or 100% the other. She couldn’t help being herself, seriously. How can any person from day dot know how to not be themselves?  There are just some things you can’t change, especially when you’re just a kid. Like her skin was sooooo white, or that she had Scottish ancestry which just defined her hair and her sense of humour, or her amazing fucking skills with literacy, English, language… ANYTHING ARTISTIC.


I am all for consent. No one-sided conversations.

I am so tired and embarrassed of making a fool of myself… I gotta know for sure. So you have to email me, comment, or respond directly with me. I’m not going to read between the lines in terms of this stuff. Not if it’s going to be part of mmmother

Props part 3: CURRENT goal thing

I’m essentially trying to develop my own brand markety thingy niche. A regular jabberwocky Renaissance woMan. I just have to smoosh the unsmooshable shit together and play god. So… My first task, although this is not the ideal way I’d like to go about it….



RETURN OF THE UNSEENLY POTATO mentioned in the first third of this blog.

To get myself and my message out onto the “market” I’m going to have to do a bunch of stuff. That I don’t normally do. Stuff that I have stayed clear away from since I was a teenager.

I have done some pretty shitty things, I am a pretty shitty person, you have no reason to trust me. At all. You really shouldn’t trust me, I’m a very unreliable narrator because I’m inconsistent. Dude.

But I am a teacher. I went to university for this shit. I aimed low because I was pregnant and didn’t have a drivers licence or a car. I went with convenience. I applied for the degree that needed a 66 for entry. Even though I scored 87. Perfect example of me doing the bare minimum.

I chose teaching because I didn’t want to pay much money for my degree so I chose between teaching and nursing (lower course fees due to “national priority” in these fields). I had no intention of touching anyone gross or wiping butts, so I thought “fuck it. I’ll be a teacher.” Uni was a huge wank fest where no one gives a fuck about anything, and they don’t care if you pass or fail. You do you, and if you fail it’s your own fucking problem. I coasted by doing the bare minimum and would even challenge myself as to how LESS I could do…

  • How long can I go without buying a textbook?
  • How long can I go without reading a set text?
  • How much can I contribute to discussion without actually having done any of the work?
  • I wonder if I can write my essay in dot points?

“I wonder if anyone will notice I’m absolutely stoned off my face? I better talk more so that way they don’t suspect a thing….”

True story. I talk a lot. It’s sometimes weird for people when I don’t talk as that’s “out of character” for me.

It’s fucking hilarious the way drugs and alcohol seem to make me appear more normal? I can be completely sober and substance free, but my silliness and frivolity comes across as quite manic-pixie-dream-girl. FFS I am not a fictional trope. I am not fictional. Just ask any of my friends from real life – who you can’t see and whose existence you won’t ever be able to verify because I respect their privacy. (I totally do sound like a mental case… LOL… shiiiieet)


I blitzed through my undergraduate degree because I hated the majority of the self wanking. No, this was not a sex university, I’m just referring to everyone’s overinflated sense of self because “oooh, I’m so awesome, I’m at uni, I’m better than everyone who hasn’t gone to uni, blah blah I’m so special rah rah”. When I finally started my post-grad and actually went to do PRACTICAL WORK not just theoretical bullshit, I realise “Mother fucker, this is awesome..” And it wasn’t just another hilarious story about me being so rebellious and dismissive of the established means of doing things….

Teaching wasn’t just an occupation, I realised it’s my VOCATION. I love it. It’s the perfect combination of everything I do. It has helped me define my self as a person, and my experiences at uni actually opened me up to a whole range of knowledge and experiences.

Which brings me to where the fuck I am now…




I don’t know how long this “war” might last. So, I’m totally owning the fucking crown of the campaign. And whoever helps me, with their name and shit here, may get dragged into the fray. If you’re too lazy to go and read the thingys here, then the gist is: anti-christ is a title given by people, not by any divine power. Anti can be opposite, or also the new christ.

My war on god begins with his “son” christ. But if you’re smart enough to read between the lines, (or at least do some back-reading on this blog) it’s really a war on the way that language is used to control and manipulate people, our the understanding of language.

We are all gods, and capable of divinity. I’m not heaven or hell bound. I’m Earth bound. Heaven and Hell are here on earth. I’m about debunking myth with absolutely completely made up bullshit I read from anywhere, and making blind leaps of faith for my own entertainment, using my educational background and training, and my professional experience in the educational system….to legitimise mysticism and metaphysics.

After that.. I dunno. I want to just be me, and have the freedom to do that. And be able to live comfortably. I want to do what I’m good at, what I like to do, and what I want to do. But as a single finite human fucking being (who also just happens to be the new #mmmessiah because I think it’s funny to be facetious) I can’t take down an invisible fictional construct on my own. I need a team of somewhat-AVENGERS.

I’m like Tony Stark. We are going to start that shit right here.

My personal seal of approval. Stamped and signed.


SIRENS – mmmK’s WyrdPriss playlist

I make a bunch of mix tapes (spotify playlists) to say exactly how I feel inside, and maybe you might feel it too. Or enjoy it, because I love music and sharing songs, even grouping them into thematic soundtracks and stuff.


  • I will be using Australian musical acts – that if you live overseas, then you can take away from knowledge of some awesome music acts and shit.
  • I made 5 graphics for this series. 
  • There are 78 songs – to correspond with the 78 cards of the tarot. Use it as an oracle for divine messages for your day.

I’m  such a MMMess… (iah)

I started this project a couple of days before christmas 2018. It is not finished because I am lazy and often lose track of all the whatever stuff I said I wanted to do…

When you scroll through the psychotically laid out page, you’ll see I have broken the playlist into volumes.

  • Each volume has 24 songs, cites the artist, song title and a lyric.
  • Click the artist to be directed to a youtube clip.
  • Click the song title to read the full lyrics.
  • I added 6 songs to the end. 6 is the number of harmony, and the seeker of balance. I also added it to make the total number of tracks add to 78. 

Kapiche? Sick.

  • When selecting some of the tracks, I did have some people in mind at the time. However, music and their lyrics are universal expressions of the emotions of the soul. Therefore it would be too divisive to explicitly state any song is really for any single individual.
  • These are just songs that I like (some more so than others).  VOLUMES 1-3 are all Australian music acts. (Except for the Christmas playlist, that’s just christmas themed songs).

  1. Before there was you, there were 6.
  2. Vol 1. The long walk home, singing siren songs (24 tracks).
  3. Vol 2. Burning bush swallows their nightingale (24 tracks).
  4. Vol 3. Great grandfather of smoke, hear my song (24 tracks).
  5. Vol 4. Everlong John foo fights the xmas tree.

Listen to the whole playlist on Spotify here. I titled it “wyrdpriss”

Fun fact. By clicking the ‘xmas tree’ link above, you will be taken directly to the Spotify playlist titled ‘x mas sheen’

Project last updated 26 April 2019 // 22 April 2019 // 4 February 2019 // started 23 December 2018.


Welcome to the 6

  1. DeadstarDeeper water I’m heading out where the water is much deeper / I save myself I’m saving you
  2. Olivia Newton JohnPhysical I’m sure you’ll understand my point of view / We know each other mentally / You gotta know that you’re bringin’ out / The animal in me
  3. John FarnhamYou’re the Voice We have the chance, to turn the pages over / We can write what we want to write / We gotta make ends meet, before we get much older
  4. Kylie MinogueEspecially for you (duet with Jason Donovon) No more dreaming about tomorrow / Forget the loneliness and the sorrow / I’ve got to say / It’s all because of you
  5. Cold ChiselKhe Sanh And she was like so many more from that time on / Their lives were all so empty, till they found their chosen one / And their legs were often open / But their minds were always closed
  6. The Axis of Awesome4 Chords My life is brilliant, my love is pure / I saw an angel, of that I’m sure / People killin’, people dyin’ / Children hurt can you hear them cryin’?



Volume 1. The Long Walk Home, singing siren songs.

  1. Killing HeidiI am. I feel it its coming its here if you want it / I am out on my own / Moving in shadow / Nobody knows who I am / Standing alone / And its me but you can’t see who I am
  2. Machine Gun FellatioPussy Town I’m going down, down, down, down, down, down, down, to pussy town.
  3. Eskimo JoeBlack fingernails, Red wine. Red-letter day, black heart / it’s gonna tear you all apart / it’s so loud; can’t hear you call / you and I are gonna fall straight down.
  4. SilverchairOne Way Mule Love me for my mind cause I’m a dangerous heart / when I’ve got time to kill I’m coming back to you / I’ll stake out just to find the knife in the dangerous heart / when I’ve got time to kill I’m coming back to you
  5. Killing HeidiReal People Make it all right / Just keep your eyes shut, keep your eyes shut tight / What you feel ain’t bad  / ‘Cause there’s no shame, there’s no shame in being sad
  6. Violent SohoSaramona Said I want to bastardise this entire state / Let’s start a fire, it’s like a big freight train / Let’s start a fire, we are defeated
  7. The Cruel SeaBetter get a Lawyer I wasn’t doin’ nothin’ anyway / Just what is it that I’m supposed to have done? With bloodshot eyes and bleedin’ hands… // The the officer said / Better get a lawyer son, you better get a real good one / 
  8. Machine Gun FellatioThe girl of my dreams The girl of my dreams is giving me nightmares / I found her on tv now I see her everywhere / She’s got style she’s got violent ways about her / She’s got me so that I can’t dream without
  9. Regurgitator ! (The song formerly known as) You won’t see me tribal raving baby / Cos I won’t ever look that good / I’d rather dance in ugly pants in the comfort of a loungeroom in suburbia / Oooh ooh, things don’t get no better / better than you and me
  10. SpiderbaitCalypso Sunshine on my window Makes me happy, like I should be / Outside All around me / Really sleazy / then it hits me / Don’t tell me / You can’t see / What it means to me
  11. The SuperJesusGravity I don’t need a friend to tell me why, to tell me when / hanging on to you I never thought I’m killing someone / and I can tell you what’s more / now theres nothing in the way to show me / I didn’t know you before / more than any other day its only gravity
  12. Eskimo JoeFrom the Sea Oh She’s just so under pain / Oh I’m so spaced out today / My head’s a lead weight and it comes to you / From the the sea / hello hello oh hello (the world repeats itself somehow)
  13. Custard – Girls like that Girls like that don’t go for guys like us / I still wanna see the facts / But this time she’s serious / She says there’s too too many worlds / Too many worlds wrapped up in science fiction
  14. The WhitlamsNo Aphrodisiac A letter to you on a cassette / ‘Cause we don’t write anymore / Gotta make it up quickly / There’s people asleep on the second floor / There’s no aphrodisiac like loneliness / Truth, beauty and a picture of you
  15. The Living EndWhite Noise Now here we stand with our hearts in our hands / Squeezing out all the lies / All that I hear is a message unclear / What else is there to decide? All that I’m hearing from you / Is white noise, white noise
  16. Machine Gun FellatioMutha Fukka I’m a mutha fukka on a motorcycle / I’m a hard hallucinatory / With an axe to grind / Shootin’ from the hip / Like a porcupine / I’m a mutha fukka on a motorcycle
  17. SpiderbaitBuy me a pony You’re almost on your way to popularity / and we’ll teach you to play with icy stare and punk rock hair / and beatnik flare, we’ll take you there / cause there’s nonody else like you / and we sure care just what you’re doing
  18. Missy HiggensScar A triangle trying to squeeze through a circle / He tried to cut me so I’d fit / And doesn’t that sound familiar? Doesn’t that hit too close to home? / Doesn’t that make you shiver; the way things could’ve gone?
  19. Something for KateMonsters I was hanging upside-down from the overpass / Waiting to discover something about the world / I couldn’t get with the program / And I couldn’t listen to them / It was like trying to think in reverse
  20. Pete MurrayBetter Days I’ve seen better days / Put my face in my hands / Get down on my knees and I pray to God / Hope he sees me through til the end
  21. Machine Gun FellatioRollercoaster You’re vine-ripened, I’m now frightened / By the lightning in my legs / You’re such a screamin’ dream I’m leanin’ / To the demons in my head
  22. Ben LeeCigarettes will kill you You left me burned and seared / You left me ripped and teared / And older than my years / I should have know at first / That you would leave me hurt / You had to try dessert
  23. The Mavis’SCry You looked into my eyes / you came as a surprise / you washed me in the shower / it lasted for an hour / But what we gonna do? / you leave at half past two / we waste more time each day / and everything’s OK except that… I can make you cry
  24. GrinspoonLost control Bam, bam, bam trick or treat want to stay / You can do it ours and we will do it your way / Not so bad if you follow the plan / That’s how it goes with your head in the sand



Volume 2. Burning bush swallows their nightingale.

  1. Powderfingermy happiness My happiness is slowly creeping back now you’re at home / if it ever starts sinking in, it must be when you pack up and go.
  2. John Butler TrioZebra I could be anything I put my mind to, boy / all I gotta do is give myself half a chance / I can bring love back into my life / and share it with the world if I got some balance.
  3. GrinspoonChemical heart can’t get started chemical heart/ every time I get started, you pull me apart.
  4. Frenzal rhombNever had so much fun I try to compensate blindly for mistakes, try to make things right / for all my redemption I’ve the best intentions / but it’s always ending up in a fight.
  5. SilverchairFreak I’m a freak of nature / if only I could be as cool as you.
  6. The Living End – Prisoner of Society if you count to 3 you’ll see it’s no emergency / you’ll see I’m not the enemy / just a prisoner of society.
  7. GrinspoonSickfest You can’t try and sink your thoughts into my brain / contradict, you’ve always been too lame / guilt has always you d you hiding away.
  8. Regurgitator – Disco crazy
  9. GanggajangSounds of then And in the distance, through the heat haze, In convoys of silence the cattle graze. That certain texture, that certain beat, Brings forth the night time heat.
  10. theredsunbandSleep forever hey my sweet child, here you be / and if you choose to stay here / you can stay with me
  11. Silverchair Tomorrow You say that money isn’t everything / well I’d like to see you live without it / you think you can keep on going living like a king / ooh, babe, I strongly doubt it.
  12. The Butterfly EffectAlways I can feel you against my skin / I feel you / like the poison seeping into my veins / numb with the pain / sick and guilty / is the sadness you’ve given to me
  13. AC/DCThunderstruck sound of the drums / beating in my heart / the thunder of guns / tore me apart / you’ve been thunderstruck.
  14. Kate Miller-HeidkeCaught in the crowd I was young and part of the crowd / I didn’t know then what I know now / I was dumb and I was proud and I’m sorry
  15. JetCold Hard BitchCold hard bitch / Just a kiss on the lips / And I was on my knees / I’m waiting give me
  16. CogAnarchy OK I’ve got a key to the lock in your head. / You know the truth is there for all.
  17. AmielObsession (I love you) Your stupid laugh / Your salty skin / The heat within / And I can’t help my self / I want to touch it baby / Look what you’ve made me / I want to do to you / The things Id never do
  18. The Screaming Jets – Guitar Band
  19. The Butterfly effect – Gone
  20. theredsunbandDevil Song Last night the devil said to me, yeah, oh yeah / he whispered into my ear / lies
  21. AC/DCBack in Black I got nine lives / cat’s eyes / abusin’ every one of them and running wild
  22. Kate Miller-HeidkeLast Day on Earth In my head I repeat our conversations / Over and over ’til they feel like hallucinations, / You know me, I love to lose my mind.
  23. GeorgeSpecial ones I was ashamed of my innocence / But now with clarity I see that / Your bullshit is just not worthy of me
  24. INXSNew Sensation Love baby love / It’s written all over your face / There’s nothing better we could do / Than live forever



Volume 3. Great Grandfather of smoke, hear my song.

  1. JetLook what you’ve done Oh, look what you’ve done / You’ve made a fool of everyone. / Oh, well, it seems like such fun / Until you lose what you had won.
  2. GeorgeBreathe in now You stand there but you do not cast a shadow, you walk away with every word you choose not to say / I suppose that moving on paints a new colour for each day, I don’t like to see / Dreams put on the shelf, to deal with on that one day, I just want to be happy for you
  3. The Cruel SeaThe Honeymoon is over I’m gonna send you back to wherever the hell / It was you came / Then I’m gonna get this tattoo / Changed to another girls name / Oh it ain’t no fun no more / I don’t know what to say
  4. GrinspoonJust Ace since your gone away / I hope that you had a better day / Tried to call round the other day / Instead i had a go-kart
  5. ChoirboysRun to paradise That’s right, they had it all worked out / You were young and blonde and you could never do wrong / That’s right, they were so surprised / You opened their eyes up
  6. Mz Ann Thropik – Witchhunt
  7. GyroscopeBaby, I’m gettin’ better Now I dream that I’m with you / Baby, I’m getting better / And I feel alive with you / Baby, I’m getting better
  8. MammalDead Shut your mouth a system possession / Just sit and drool as Armageddon comes
  9. 28 DaysRip it up Kick it, stick it in the tape player, lickity split / Rock hard the severe kid, Jedi Jay, damn that boy can play / Did ya hear that shit
  10. Dead letter circusThe armour you own Brace, this is just the game / Find your shelter in your calm and take comfort in your harm / Don’t look away / This is just the moment that you know that you create
  11. Jericco – Dance like no one’s watching
  12. JebediahHarpoon I can handle the fighting, it’s the affection I can’t stand / And I don’t mind us talking, just don’t try and touch my hand
  13. RegurgitatorPolyester girl All I want you to say is nothing at all / and all I want you to do is stare at the wall.
  14. The SuperjesusDown again Now I’m hoping to stay seconds away from all that I could be / every time I run from you, I run from me.
  15. The Screaming JetsBetter They said you’d never get anywhere, / Well they don’t care and it’s just not fair / That you know, and I know better.
  16. You am IBerlin chair I’m your Berlin chair, won’t you lean on me ’til I break. / I’ll ignore each golden, dragging kiss you can give. / On the blankest face that you ever had to forgive.
  17. The FauvesDogs are the best people Dogs are the best people / Still tame, still wild, still somehow civilized
  18. Magic DirtDirty Jeans You’re an ordinary boy and / That’s the way I like it / On the train in the corner / With a mind-numbing headache
  19. Augie MarchOne Crowded Hour but for one crowded hour, you were the only one in the room / and I sailed around all those bumps in the night to your beacon in the gloom
  20. JebediahAnimal I know everything that I do tonight means nothing if I don’t succeed.
  21. Frenzal RhombYou are not my friend you are not my friend / Never ever ever again/ I dream of sunsets with a drink in the sand / Of all my friends and losing money in the van / Remember holidays that weren’t such a waste / And a broken jaw from a punch in the face 
  22. MammalNew Breed Judas You! (You!) Only made me this way! And I! (I!) Got a method for disposing of your petty little system! You! (You!) You’re the poster boy for shame! And I! (I!) Gotta state and make it clear so you can understand!
  23.  1200 TechniquesKarma How am I supposed to live in a world of negatives? How am I supposed to love in a world full of push and shove? How am I supposed to breathe in a world full of lust and greed?
  24. Machine Gun FellatioLittle cutie Hey there little cutie don’t be moody don’t be moody / Take my hand we’re goin’ out / And I’d find myself if I knew where myself left me / And I feel like ringin’ all your bells… / Hey there little cutie let’s get nudie




 School’s out for summer. 
01Wide reading and guided activities to encourage critical and creative thought in high school students. Suitable for ages 12-18 years.3x 2013
02Poetic Devices and figurative language techniques! Ooze eloquent flair and speak like a (touched in the head) bard!Poetic devices
03Introduction to “Institutions and the Individual”. Introduces the concept of the institution, it’s role in society, and impact on the individual (you, or the student).Institute you
04Playing the Game is a unit about the role of English and language in the area of sport (competitive or recreational).Play my game
05Visual literacy, construction of images to convey meaning.Look sees
 Will you prey to me? For me, perhaps. 
01My Antichrist Manifesto now available to download as a PDF!Anti Krist!

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Onomastic origin of the name MMMOTHER


Once I delighted in the alliterative moniker of modernmysticmother. The air moving from my mouth, the corners of my pursed lips curled in a coy smile. modernmysticmother is somewhat of a mouthful. The sound of “M” is actually quite suggestive. It is a sound we make when our bodies experience pleasure or pain. Maybe I’ll shorten it to mmmother…


I knew I had to have a visible public image if I was to share whatever was “special” about me. I was no longer content with my passivity as a supporter. I had to come up with a name that represented all aspects myself without revealing my personal, private identity.


…communication through language.

English nerd loves language. The poetry and prose. The sound, the narrative, the drama of the persona, writing, feeling, pretending, escaping blah.

Language techniques, repetition of sound, beginning of word. alliterative quality.


  1. (onomatopoeia) An expression used to show contentment for something
    mmm this is a tasty pie!
  2. (onomatopoeia) An expression used to show thought or reflection
    mmm, I see what you mean.
  3. (onomatopoeia) An expression used to show being muffled or not able to speak clearly, as well as “mmph”.
  4. (Britain) Yes.

What about the single letter?

m –

  • mathematics – metric system, meter (10), milli (1000), mass
  • phonetics (syllable sound) – cyrillic “em”; kana “ma”; korean jamo “mieum”
  • music (based on italian language) – mezzo “middle”


MmmMmmmhmm… Marvelous. It truly is magical when things just correspond and correlate together like that. Let’s further crystallise this understanding by saying a whole bunch of other M words!