25 August 2018
And I’m screaming. I finally think I have figured out what my great work will be and I discover it has already been written about.
This is great because then I only have to read and learn and apply it to my life. But it is equally frustrating because then how else am I supposed to leave my mark on the world? I refuse to accept that my children alone will carry on my work. I have no idea if my name will be spoken of through the ages. Not my name itself, I can see it already out in the world. But me. Who I am.
I feel so hard in my inner core that I am important. And that I need to contribute to society in a way that will recognize me.
Yes, that’s selfish. Yes that’s self-absorbed. Yes that’s narcissistic. I know. IDGAF. It’s about being in the right place at the right time and having the right people recognize my worth.
I understand how people get to positions of power. And I am too self-conscious to have that spotlight on me. I am happy to serve one that I believe to be worthy, but I see no one worthy of my support. And the ideas and people I support? I dunno. Things just seem to work out in the way that benefits them. And I get to bask in reflected glory. Lol.
Ugh. So fucking confusing.
I know that by writing, I have power. And I can influence people’s thoughts with my writing. But if the government or the wrong people interpret my words in the wrong way? I’d be perceived as a revolutionist. A renegade… I’ll be executed like Jose Rizal. Or venerated like Che Guevera. I don’t want my words or actions to be misinterpreted in the present, because then they get misrepresented in the future. The original intention and motivation gets fucking warped.
I don’t want that. I don’t want to be misunderstood. But I do know that I have valuable contributions to give to the world. I hope I don’t die before I get to do that. I hope I don’t die before my work is able to be done…
And Jesus Christ, I need to at least create a framework for which to build this shit on. I want to help heal the world and bring it to the future, whole. I want to help transcend the problems and bullshit of the present.
I am trying to harmonize the spiritual and the physical realms.
I want everyone to see things the way I see them. I want everyone to perceive others without judgement. I want everyone to learn to love themselves and to trust themselves. I want the world to learn from my mistakes.
How do I see the world? Broken. Bullshit. Disjointed and misaligned.
I see the divinity in me, and my family, and my little world. And I know it exists in everyone and everything else, but what it means will be different to different people. I dunno.
Teach others how to learn for themselves. Teach others to teach each other. Open up the lines to true communication
published 25 August, 2018 // republished 23 January 2019 // republished 25 June 2019