Rerun 014: The meaning of my coping mechanism

I like things to be in order when I don’t feel ordered. And it’s not original. I just looked it up. It’s already out there so why should anyone fucking care what some crazy little lady has to say?

I know I’m all meta. Meta whatever. All of my interests have been about making meaning and discerning meaning, and the constructs to which meaning is applied and derived.

Im like, what it’s not enough to be meta, I have to be “meta meta?” Apparently it’s a relatively new direction of metaphysics. Meta meta physics.

After my rant about being more than I am, I finally figured out my little fucking categories. Not for the blog but for my business.

Part of my journey this year has had to do with trusting the collective. Trust the experts. So I did. I followed start up business and branding marketing maps. All the fucking shit I planned and mapped out… I’m a nobody. I teach high school kids. To become an entrepreneur I need to establish myself first.

Build your platform, produce products for distribution, once people consider your consultation. provide project proposals for people to invest. Blah.

What happens when you don’t know anything? I can’t define anything… I don’t know my brand my niche my whatever. I’m too variegated… that’s my niche. Discovery along with me on my journey.

And I had an idea just then. The ontology of mythology. And I’m like Fuck yeah. Then turns out it’s research that’s being developed. Approved last year. So.. I don’t want to be accused of stealing information or whatever.

For mystics, it’s just proof of collective consciousness. For skeptics, its just coincidence, synchronicity. For psychiatrists, it’s paranoid delusions of grandeur. I can’t win.

Just take my project ideas.

My so called expertise – b.a., m.teach, parenthood, life experience (honestly, how the hell does one quantify the expertise of ideas? They are conceptual!)

My market niche – personal discovery, perceptions of self and others, transcending false dichotomies, archetypes & stereotypes. Cognitive science, metaphilosophy, psychology, metametaphysics, metonymy. Deconstructing databases

Applying personal meanings to an otherwise meaningless world (which sounds bleak, but it allows for all meaning to exist with the same credence)

I love my ideas. I want to study all my interests. But that’s not possible. And I don’t know how to pick or where to start.

At the beginning. The primordial deities.

I don’t even know if anyone would care. No one seems to struggle to truthfully answer “who am I? I am….”

I can’t even finish that sentence. It’s not one thing. It’s so many. Too many. I just am.

And people wonder why I laugh and joke about being the new god. Come to me my people, sit and listen. But when people do start listening… some get inspired or interested… For different reasons. Some want to hear more to learn to awaken the divine in anyone, any walk of life. It does sound bullshit “everyone is special” but it’s not. Its beautiful that everyone is so fucking different but at the same time theyre the same. That’s what’s special….

So some want to know how. I don’t really know how. I just know my experiences. I need to be able to map it out though.

But there are others who fear change and will stop at nothing to cease and desist that voice.

It’s just the inner voice, though. Stop asking me if I’m hearing voices.