Rerun 013: Confusion is m etaphilosopher

22 August 2018

I think … too much. Too hard. About everything. All the time. I am constantly thinking about my existence… everyone’s existence… not independently, but rather that I change and constantly reinvent myself and my behaviour in my head. So that way I fit with other people. I apparently give great advice, and often without always knowing that I’m doing it…

I absolutely hate lying. Deception. I can’t stand it. It’s okay to be ignorant as you can’t help what you don’t know. What is anyone supposed to do about what they don’t know about, when they don’t know they don’t know about it…? Like, dude. Wtf.

But once it is brought to light, what do they do about it then? I dunno. It depends on what do they want to do about it, what are they willing to do, how much effort will it cost on their part?

I am… at my very essential core… just… “me”. I just exist. But existence is not the same as “life,” and existence and life are not the same thing although they can be used interchangeably dependent upon one’s level of understanding…. this shit that I “do”… I philosophize… I love to learn and study … everything. Everything is so… meta. I love to read about the history and evolution of communication and how ideas are communicated because… I’m good at it, but I’m not going to be alive forever, and if I am *special* there’s … omg…

I dunno. Its fuxking doing my head in. The metaphysical implications… complications… manifestations… I’ve come to see the truth about heaps of stuff. It’s always been about “the heart” or “the soul” or “the truth” about something… what are people really asking, what do they really mean, what are they really saying…. people will always hear whatever they want and you can’t give them what they want if they can’t accept it… I get how people work, and they often are not honest with themselves. I try to answer questions as directly related to the question because I don’t want to be seen as exerting any ulterior motive…. it’s not my problem you aren’t happy with something, but I could help you come to terms and understand it, if you want.

And… my studies about my life. And society.. I “get it”, why we are here and why we are going through all of this… I dont know how special this shit makes me… like … i dunno…

It’s not my life to sacrifice, but I must sacrifice part of myself… I would rather kill the fetus so I can life my potential life… but I don’t kill anything actually alive… and fetuses are just cells… but they have the potential to house a soul… and if i kill that thing, then am I dooming my children to deal with that kind of karma? Like wtf… I’m tired of always putting myself last… but everyone around me says that I have never put myself last. I am hyper aware of my involvement with peoples lives and what I stand to gain or lose from them… but awareness of the self doesn’t make me selfish… does it? Do I really have to limit myself to being “the mum” for fuxking ever. In every dimension, timeline, reality, aspect…

I know after my birthday (15 november), everything will cool down. And the world can get back to business. But the world isnt me, it just deals with the collective. I’m part of the collective, but I’m also just.. me. And the timing of all the bullshit in the world just fits so snugly with the bullshit of my inner world… fuxking perfect timing…

November 18 was my deadline, the “it’s too late to do anything about it now. It’s done” deadline I put on myself based on the neptune aspect with jupiter through scorpio …

9 thoughts on “Rerun 013: Confusion is m etaphilosopher

  1. MyPower24/7 says:

    I am with you about lying. It’s ridiculous how people do it easily and don’t even think of consequences. I actually more lying to my subconscious mind to make it believe the better things. 😂😂😂 And about thinking, yes it is the problem when you can’t stop the mind chatter, happening, but at least I know now how. 😊😊😊

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kalliope says:

      Absolutely. I have been trying to say that everyone is their own deceiver, everyone lies to each other as well as themselves. And only when one is able to see that they are responsible for their own shit, they are the cause and solution to all of their own problems. Self agency, and self responsibility is the path to self empowerment.
      My husband used to say that I always have to make it obvious and known that stuff is just an illusion. That the way I speak is manipulative because I never really say anything, I just lead people to wherever/whatever ideas in their heads. *shrugs* I dunno, Its just… friggen…words lol

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