Rerun 010: the Morning after headache

19 August 2018, originally titled “my head really hurts”

I don’t know anything for sure. I don’t even know who or what I am nor my capabilities. The possibilities are endless. The fragmentation and permutations are infinite. I don’t even know or trust anything. I am endless in all that “I don’t know” because I don’t know what I don’t know.

I know that if I can ask a question then I can obtain an answer. I don’t like to make assumptions because any time *I* get involved in anything. I get it wrong.

I am dichotomous, everything is essentially nothing. One is no different from the other, I am contradictory. I am 2 very different things…. one extreme or the other.

I want to die. Not truly, but I am in pain. My head is literally throbbing. And I have done this to myself. I do everything to myself. It has been established.

I don’t know what questions to ask anymore. I am afraid to ask questions now.

There was a labyrinth. I was in one. I saw them all. And I am sad. I am confused. I have lost my sense of purpose, place, direction, and self along the way. The essential stripping away of the unnecessary to return to the present.

I don’t remember what I have forgotten… there was something about a labyrinth. And people are simple. Why am I not simple? My maze is not like theirs. They have the benefit of patterns. There are similar patterns in mine. But is it then the materials? The layers? My model resembles the ancient model and it is confusing because they say it how exactly it is. The joy and wonder of discovery.

People don’t want to discover. I don’t know what they want… but it is singular in focus and thus I can tell them whatever they want to know. Their simple nature means I can use the same damn formula every time.

It’s the sheep mentality. I’m different, and there are others like me. But I’m different to the others too? Why am I different? How am I different? What am I supposed to do with this knowledge? What is the point of knowing if I can’t do anything about it? What do you want me to do? I don’t know.

Fuxk you diabetes. My head. My head… brain waves spontaneous delta waves? Beta theta alpha I dunno. I need to sleep. It is commvmm mb fb


6 thoughts on “Rerun 010: the Morning after headache

    • Kalliope says:

      Thank you Jack. I truly appreciate your words. I am… not longer in pain. At least not at this moment anyway. It’s January 16. I am not experiencing pain in the head (neither skull nor psyche), but I do feel sore in my body. It’s bizarre and frustrating and completely limiting.
      But pain is a necessity to remind us of lessons that we need to learn.


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