God is a girl, and she’s a time lord.

Wishes can come true, if you believe that they do. My wish? Achieve godhood. Baby, you can drive Ophanim. They come when I hail them… don’t they for you? Let’s go back in time, just sit back and enjoy the ride. I don’t feel like fighting tonight. I want to know was there a point to this all? What’s my prize for surviving the night? Dark night of my soul. The dawn has come.

I may see the light, but it is cold and distant. Life is not what it once was like… The world is digitalised and now fluorescent. Where’s Vesta and the furnace?

Float back in time with me (to find her). No need, I am right here. Let us go on this journey together. I will share with you my memories. My words, confessions and mirage.

Confession – 9th October 2009

What I want is something unattainable. I want to be a god. Or god like. Adored and worshiped and desired. I want to be each brand of perfect for each individual. I only only cater so much in such time. Even now I know I’m like this, putting on some sort of show for the people I’m around. I still want to be attractive around my straight guy friends or bi/lesbian girl friends. I want them to desire me yet have no interest in them. I play especially nonchalant in front of most friends and then highlight my absolutely neurotic side in front of some others. I want to appear better than them yet still attainable. Despite the ring on my finger they could only dream.

Lonely on my pedestal? Terribly. Yet there is still loathing of never being good enough because even if I think I’m better than someone I’m still not good enough by my own standards.

Oh wow I feel so sad and drained and want to cry right now. I’m such a contradictory figure because I can say that this is true yet there are parts of it which are not – too extreme and yet not extreme enough. Whether or not I deserve better than anyone else, I want to be better. I don’t always think I’m better than others, but I want to be. Perhaps that’s a better way of saying it? Still, saying it just feels wrong.

I had a dream last night that I was the beginning of the end of the world. No one knew though, because nothing seemed so apocalyptic anyways.

Acknowledgement – 7th September 2009

J and I were talking a few nights ago about how I am the most narcissistic person he has ever met. No, I asked him to tell me the truth, and we just laughed about it all. I know i’m a narcissist, I just wanted to know how unique it was – for my level of narcissism, very unique. To the point where we were talking about super powers – J wants foresight, I want to be a god with worshippers. J says that’s very evil because I want everyone to love me and that takes away free will, I said that they didn’t have to worship me, but they may have to leave my kingdom. Then J said my followers would kill the heretics in my name, I said I wouldn’t tell them to do that but I wouldn’t stop them. Free will and all that. And how nice that I was adored enough to inspire murder in my name? 

Maybe I really am evil. I know I’d probably be a super villian as opposed to hero. Fuck the greater good, what about my wants and needs?
Oh and how even joining the geek group caters to my narcissism. I don’t have any interest in sci fi and fantasy (save for stargate, and fleeting interests in few select others) so why am I even there? Because there I am the hot cool EuroAsian chick, who they won’t judge because those nerds have been subject to judgment their whole lives. I’m geeky enough to be seen there, but I’m not geeky enough to belong. I only stay because they look up to me as “awesome”. 

Really? Yeah… How depressing.

Unlocked the god code: cere, AF! cherub im thrones

They call her empty Hell – 27th September 2007

if you don’t believe in god, who do you pray to? the obvious answer is no one as there is no god to pray to but… i was raised in a christian home so the idea of prayer as a comforting crutch is not foreign to me. 

i found myself in need the other day, and it was just something that all you can do is hope for. but hoping doesn’t seem like i’m doing enough? i even thought about “praying”. but who am i to pray to any god? i don’t believe in them, and even if they did exist (any one of the many possible gods) they’d be like “she doesn’t believe in me/us. so why should i/we answer her prayer?”. thats why i ask christians to pray for me when i want something. they believe that their prayers work, so it probably will work (the whole belief in self thing).

anyways, its not that i don’t believe in a higher power. i do believe in something above us. but not in the traditional way like “jesus or buddah is looking down on me”. no.
more like aliens. more like there’s a kid with an ant farm, and we’re his ants. sometimes he watches us, sometimes he doesn’t. he has no control over what we do. sometimes he goes off with his family and does stuff with them or with friends. i dunno. thats just how i believe it to be. maybe not in such simplistic terms, (what higher being, with all the powers of the universe just does “stuff”?! they’d probably be a bit more creative than that?)

riiight.

Hyperion – 14th October 2002

i’m just going to agree with everyone now so not to start a fight. even though that might make them more angry… haha. i know its making my mother more angry. haha.
i refuse to sleep and stay up all night doing assignments when i should be doing it during the day. lets say my mind is awake when it should not be. i’m more creative, inspired – even smarter – at night time. call me anything you want. say anything you want and i’ll agree with you.

things i have agreed with (whether they’re true or not, i’ll just submit and agree. *winks and grins*):

  • i have no priorities. no boundaries. no control and such the ignorant rebel.
  • i am a slut who sleeps around with everyone.
  • i enjoy pornography and naked women and use the internet for that sole purpose.
  • i hate god, christians and worship satan.
  • i am a regular abuser of drugs and alcohol.
  • i do not care about my school work and assignments.
  • i am never home and have no respect for my family and the rules of the house.

that’s it so far. i could say many things back about all that, but i’ll piss everyone off more by provoking them and make up lies so they can say more shit about me. what they say will make me want to do it. they’re putting thoughts into my head… hehehe.

Sad sacK – 9th October 2001

-i see:: a beautiful day, while i’m decaying away
-i find:: that i’m all alone
-i want:: help
-i have:: a dark shadow of depression looming above me
-i wish:: that i didn’t feel this way
-i hate:: life
-i miss:: james
-i fear:: myself… i don’t trust myself right now…
-i feel:: scared, depressed, lonely…
-i hear:: voices in my head
-i smell:: the stale air
-i crave:: a warm hug
-i search:: for comfort
-i wonder:: why am i still alive?
-i regret:: being born
-i love:: james…?
-i long:: for comfort
-i am:: alone
-i care:: about those close to me
-i always:: want to die
-i am not:: happy
-i believe:: in Christ
-i have faith:: in Christ
-i cringe:: at myself
-i dance:: when no one is watching
-i sing:: not anymore…
-i cry:: every night…
-i learn:: that no matter how much you try, it’s never good enough
-i do not always:: go out
-i succeed:: in only hurting those i care about
-i fail:: more often than the average person
-i fight:: no one
-i write:: pathetic shit
-i give:: my heart
-i win:: nothing
-i never:: am really content
-i confuse:: myself
-i listen:: but do you listen to me?

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