1st of June. Nanay, I love you.

Hey guys, it’s June 1 and this week I have 14 of my first blog posts scheduled to be published: 2 a day for these 7 days, as a matter of fact.

They’re titled as “reruns” so you’ll be sure to distinguish which ones they are. (2 have already been published, so I guess there’s 12 more to go…?)

I had these set to play since the beginning of May. It was my intention to remind myself, and you, of… Something. Anything. Nothing. Every thing…

  • To replay the past, hoping to reactivate… something. Click flip some switch in my brain that will make me ping back to self-powered.
  • To remind myself of who I am.
  • To remind you of what I do.
  • To remind us all that we’re stronger when we do shit together.
  • To open the forum for conversation, allow me to demonstrate the manner and extent of that thing that I just do.
  • I know what you’ve been through. I’ve been there too. Maybe not the exact details, but I just know. I feel it. I have felt everything.
  • I have drowned, and been buried, and suffocated, and burned, and beguiled… countless deaths and rebirths and lives experienced over and over again.

In my dreams. In my mind. In my heart. In my life. I’ve been summoned, hunted, trapped and played. I learned to hide.

I learned to break apart, shadow stalk, jump ship, maneuver the worlds In subtle ways to bring myself back together again. With some little bits of favours and fortune to share and cultivate…

Today would have been my maternal grandmother’s birthday. My little Yoda. For real. She was tiny, walked with a cane; signature style? Brown poncho/cardigan. And she spoke broken English. I wrote about her here, before. I titled the post as being descended from Demeter.

Nanay, or Natividad (the nativity, or birth of the Nazarene), had her birthday 1st June. My mum’s birthday is 1st January. And my uncle’s birthday is 11th September. I can’t remember if there’s a 12 or 14 year age gap between them…

  • Natividad. Demeter. Leto. 1.6.31. Gemini. Twins.
  • Marilyn. Diana. 1.1.55. Capricorn. Janus, gateway deity of dates.
    • Rites included dedications of the temples of Mars on 1 June (a date that corresponded with the festival of Carna, a deity associated with Janus)
    • Roman focus, heavy MARS influence. Janus may have the month by name, Juno is the attributed tutelary deity.
    • Romans attribute epithet of Pater to Janus… hah. That’s the name of my father.
      • Peter Joseph. Sagittarius. 13.12.48. Wed Marilyn 12.1.80, died 12.1.99.
  • Marciano. Apollo. 11.9.69. Virgo.

Hah, that was a fun tangent. But I need to get back to that rhythm where I can cosine with the sine wave. MEXICAN WAVES! BBBBRRRRINGGUEA!

Don’t mind the frivolity, and standing and sitting and noisy noise making. It’s really to distract you all from the fact I have no idea what I’m doing and why do I bother even writing in this thing? Internet wifi thingy connectivity issues I always end up having to rewrite these things like a million times and I wonder why the hell I don’t just write in a word document to save that shit and then post it up. but no, I have to do it directly into wordpress because fuck me thats why. AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH.

It’s okay. I can pretend like any of my words ever mattered. Let’s perpetuate the facade that anything ever mattered. Because nothing matters. Except what you choose, what matters to you.

Not me, though. Only what matters to you.

Why do I do this to myself?! I just want to roundhouse kick myself up the side of the head, fall and smash my skull against the ground. Why can’t I just allow myself to think/feel/hope/believe that I could matter, too? Because there is no me without you. And that’s bullshit. Because you’re still you without me. You’re the universe. I’m just…. little, tiny, one in an infinite sea of many common particles of dust. They’re all me. And I’m sick of it.