Overthinking to extinction

I over think things, I get in my own way. It’s pretty ridiculous that the more effort I put into something the more it kind of fucks up. And… I feel really shit to say this, but when I’m just “doing my thing” I have no idea why but I get more likes? It’s just another example of when shit just doesn’t seem to work for me.

I know I should be aiming for interaction and engagement… And ideally I’d like that. Everything is always easier when you’re not alone. Sometimes I get super fucking annoyed about having to figure shit out for myself. But it’s that thing that I do… nothing ever seems to work just right. I’ve always had to just teach myself…

That’s not to say I’m some self made genius or anything, or that teachers are incompetent. It’s rather just shitty timing and shitty communication. And our own arrogance for not recognising the temporal “stranger” in loco parentis.

I’m sorry I don’t shut up. I do want to listen and learn.

But (and I always have a BUT! face palm). When we’re in this place of influence, we are so sure of our own wisdom and knowledge BECAUSE WE’RE RIGHT, but it’s so disrespectful to the student. It’s like we choose to forget what it was like when we were that age or at that stage…

photo of standing woman making shhh gestureYes, I acknowledge your expertise and your authority and your *spirit fingers up in the air* that’s why I came to you in the first place!

Just… stop telling me to shoosh. If I am acting like a child, then let me fucking cry and carry on like one! Why aren’t you listening?!

We tell kids what to do with all the benefits of hindsight, and disregard their experiences and feelings because “oh they’re young, they’ll get over it” or “they’ll understand when they’re older”.

Really? You’re going to wait until then? Just so you don’t have to listen for a few minutes in the now?

How about you both take turns speaking and then listening to each other. I end up having to translate and relay their own messages to each other, but you know what, that’s okay. I came to accept and actually like filling that role when a colleague (whose teaching philosophy mirrors with mine) asked me WTF was up with the changes in the wording of the updated NSW public school uniform policies. I felt pretty chuffed about that. I explained that it was pointless bullshit about being technically correct and covering their arses with the roundabout wording. So called “diplomacy” but utterly disempowering for us as teachers.

I really, really like that colleague. He’s a genuine gem. He’s the kind of guy that I totally gel with. He’s a lot like my husband (rough exterior mannerism, practical end results [not worried about the specific word choices to protect feelings], mechanically minded, political interests, antisocial), And a lot like my ex (politically diplomatic, nurturing, blunt honesty, birthday 28 october).

I’m trying NOT to think about what I’m posting about on this blog. But I totally think too much anyway…

I’m still trying to figure out who I’m talking to on this blog. My ideal audience and/or my attending audience… In my head I’m talking to everyone…

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I’m talking to:

  • The underdogs of society
  • Liminal, transient beings. Too moderate to be either one side or the other
  • the people who feel bad if they voice an opinion – on any/some thing
  • People who just have to keep on keeping on
  • People who need to change, or want to change.. or just feel that there’s something going on
  • Women who “know what it’s like”
  • Men who just don’t seem to get it
  • People who are fed up with the way things are and desire a revolution
  • People who are content with the way things are, just wanna sit back and not have their cozy cone knocked over
  • Parents who want to connect with their distant teen
  • Teenagers who want their parents to just leave them alone
  • People who are spiritual, religious, or other
  • People who don’t need that shit because they know they’re their own god
  • People who don’t give a Fuck about any of it and just want to have fun

And then there are those I didn’t even mention. Because I have no idea why they’re here. Maybe I’m an entertaining entity? Maybe I’m just really fucking loud SCREAMING INTO THE VOID so damned much? Or maybe they’re getting front row seats to an impending train wreck I don’t quite know about..?


Published 4 October 2018 // Republished 29 April 2019

12 thoughts on “Overthinking to extinction

        • Kalliope says:

          Thank you! I just know (omg I know……..) how people can be, and it’s one of the problems with communication over the internet. People look too much into “what do you mean by that?” And tend to take shit the wrong way. So I freak out if, after I’ve said something, I realise “oh shit, maybe I should have put this or said that” or whatever. You know?

          Liked by 1 person

        • Kalliope says:

          I’ve never been diagnosed. I don’t mind it, but I’ve never received any labels or titles or DESCRIPTORS from ANYTHING except from university. Every label I own is self made and self named. I know when I was a kid, I was super lonely and “attention-getting” so in year 5 or 6 I said to a friend I had schizophrenia. She asked her parents what it was and she got super freaked out an worried about me. So I told her I made it up. Because I did make it up. I was lonely but I didn’t have any hallucinations or any shit. I just thought it was fun to put a name to my weirdness. I now know it to be personification. I personified an attributing quality of my personality. So… I have been wary of saying anything about myself to people ever since then.

          Liked by 1 person

  1. Christopher Thompson (Emphorium) says:

    14 bullet points. Is it a record? Reminds me a little of Dylan Thomas on the number of whiskey shots he’d consumed in New York. It was just before he was admitted to St Vincent’s Hospital. He said something like, ” I’ve just had 14 whiskeys I think it’s a record”. But more about me now.
    I’m soon to relocate to Devon. I have written my last piece. I have only my death mask to leave behind. Then I’m done here. Chris T.

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  2. Christopher Thompson (Emphorium) says:

    I have revived for about a year now. My first work was 1970. I’m moving house, broke, not broken yet. I have been off sick with depression for 3 years and this little period of writing has become a comfort. However I’m not successful at this. So I have to stop. A poem a day helped keep my brain going. Now I’m just about to try an Apple. It didn’t work for Eve, but hey you never know. Yes I’m pretty much Finished I think. I will try my hand at reading instead. I might explore. Podcasts are the future! Oh and electric cars. There’s a problem though. I talk with a very distinctive English Midlands accent, like Ozzie Osbourne. (Birmingham) It is not very good on the ear!

    Perhaps I need to bone up a bit on # what all this does. And SEO bullshit etc.

    It could be a case of “Ill be back”, but I think I’m only really playing the same record over and over.
    Kim as always,
    I am in touch.
    Chris T. (Extinguishing now).

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