A lament of the muse: part 2

I posted about my regret at not being able to express myself in an artistically creative way, and the frustration that causes me. I get so angry and upset with myself for failing to live up to my aspirations – and I just complain and go on and on about it, and don’t really do anything proactive… I don’t even know what that would look like for someone like me.

All the rebels yell, follow the divergent gestalt

I’m all just words… isn’t speaking counted as an action? What about thinking? Are these not ‘actions’ in themselves? There are plenty of people who act without thinking. I am the opposite extreme – I am thought without action. An idea…

I am a concept.

That just pisses me off. I am a person, I have a body, I can do and I do well. Yet I fail to do anything when it comes to doing anything myself. Like I am some manic pixie dream girl. But really, if you were to have me in your real life, you’d realise this girl of your dreams is a nightmare.

I’m a flake. I’m a flirt. I flip out at the slightest display of resistance. I may or may not rage at you, I may just flip out and away from you. Like a flickering flame, I dance with the slightest zephyr. I respond to forces not easily perceived, a single breath of hesitation or intention can send me into a fighting frenzy.

I attack and fight myself. For I fucking both hate and love myself. I am a freak. A fantasy. – The champion ENFP, the challenger enneagram 8, the seductive and secretive Scorpio. I am a tantalising temptation, I speak of truth but am not one to trust. Hypocrite, much?

I fight the ego’s shadow self, and I don’t even realise I am subverting the establishment when I am just… I dunno. Existing. I don’t know why things are so different for me, why certain situations or incidents just FUCKING SPRING UP and end up involving me. I’m sorry for screwing shit over so much. I’m sorry that shit keeps happening, and I don’t know why. I don’t see things the same way other people do.

I am DIVERGENT.

10 years ago I was learning about learning (which is pretty fucking meta as it is) which included a bit about Kolb’s learning style inventory. I completed a test to see what type of learner I was, and lo-and-behold! (no surprise, really) I am divergent in the learning cycle. And HOLY SHIT, I AM REALLY DIVERGENT. Look how deep I am in that quadrant.

Right up in the belly of that corner. OUTSIDE OF THE CIRCLE. I am part of the “box” that houses the circle. If you are familiar with casting circles (or whatever), you set up your directional watchtowers or guardians to keep lookout, and then do your circle jerk working within those boundaries.

Quadrant Master KAO5

That is also the dominant quadrant in my natal astrology chart. Mercury retrograde – Prometheus. Venus retrograde – Lucifer. Chiron retrograde – the metaphysical (accidental) alchemist.

5? The number of chaos. Look at how it dominates my numerological profile. I was also born at 5:55pm. So… I was always doomed to be fucking different, on the outside. I’m the morning star that rises every dawn only to fall and drown by the eve.

I am Venus, the slut of the heart, and I am Mercury, the brains of the babe. I need Mars to lead the way. Soldier on, warrior. Be you: bright and bold. If I keep typing and talking long enough I might remember something… discover where I hid the key, and distinguish the combination of locking mechanisms I encoded to the vehicle of speech…

OMG, YHWH, Jain in Jael. Phosphorus needs Hephaestus to forge a new ouroboros for Eos. Synchronise the sarcophagus for shadow transmission, open the echo chambers behind the esophagus. Take me home in your arms. I haven’t seen you in so long.

28 thoughts on “A lament of the muse: part 2

  1. MyPower24/7 says:

    Looks like I was thinking too the whole my life. Now the me is changed and I realised that thinking is killing my dreams and desires. Well the more I love the more I read and changing my thinking all the way upside down. Great post btw. 😊😊😊

    Liked by 2 people

    • Kalliope says:

      Thank you. I’m trying to remember why I started this blog in the first place… I’ve made so many starts and stops and tangents I’ve lost my bearings for a bit LOL but I’m remembering my initial intentions again. That even through all the mistakes and shit, we can always start again and begin again. Live my life as an example: I fuck up so much, but… gotta keep trying to be better. No one judges us harsher than we judge ourselves.

      Liked by 2 people

        • Kalliope says:

          Hah. That my friend has been my greatest flaw and failing my whole life. It is the barrier I am trying to overcome – trust. Who to trust, what is the truth, whose truth is worth trusting, and where will that lead to? So many times my trust has been misplaced and I have gotten myself fucked over. I am the sole responsible soul for each of my failings. And it has lead me here before the world now to speak about… love and trust and acceptance in who you are. Because when no one believes you, how long can you even believe yourself? And when is it delusions of grandeur, vs when it is of genuine worth.

          Liked by 1 person

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