I don’t mind talking about me. Shucks, that is why I started a blog, so I could TALK ABOUT THE MEMEMEME ME! *bows to applause* And this is really the only place where I can expose my inner chaos. I am so open about myself here because there is no person, place or thing that can handle my META-me.
I never needed anyone to help me with shit in my life. Well, of course I needed people to teach me stuff and show me how to do things, but I never needed anyone else really. Except for my husband. He is the 1 single person I’ve “kept around,” but also kinda the only person who would have me.
I’m “too much”. Too intense, too detached, too unstable. I struggle with boundaries and for “professionals” that just raises red flags. oooh! But what I mean is that I am hugely respectful and cautious of these boundaries, so long as I am aware that they are there. If I’ve “gone too far” and I’m told about it, of course I’m hurt! But I’m more hurt that I crossed it, not that you’ve told me. I will scuttle “away from you”, cry a bit, and then tentatively approach asking “is this okay?” with every progression until I know where it’s okay for me to be.
I am the result of my upbringing, my circumstances. I just live, do stuff, feel stuff, keep on keeping on. Like every-fucking-body-else, you just learn from experience especially during those formative periods. I learned some pretty bleak lessons but that’s just the way it is. I’m ruthless, practical and logical. But I’m also emotional, sensitive and compliant. It really depends on what’s going on around me.
I know a whole lot of shit and I resent that people keep “telling me what to do”. Which is so funny, because I’m a high school teacher. I am happy to be told what to do so long as what they’re telling me is not something in which I’m already proficient and knowledgeable. I’m all for guidance and teaching and aiding, but I will not be lectured at. I will listen if you let me know why I should. For fuck sake, I am super compliant and open and willing – but like a bull, I won’t be moved unwillingly.
That’s where my hubby comes in. He’s my other half, my soul mate. He’s all I need, everything else is just gravy. Then something changed and I felt so cut off from him. I was screaming and banging on this invisible barrier that was suddenly between us. He is my twin flame. He’s the one who grounds me, he helps give me direction. Without him I kept getting lost and separate further and further from everything, and without him there is no point in living.
It sounds crazy co-dependent, but it’s not really. I just know the joy of life, just like I know pain and inner torment. And for all my complaints and shit about him, if I didn’t have him then… OMG I’m tearing up, I couldn’t imagine my life without him in it. Look, I’m not unrealistic, I know we could die or whatever at any time. But that’s something that is completely out of my control. I guess this thing has been about my willingness to fight for us… This is my fighting “forces unknown” that I refuse to go anywhere without him. And if he isn’t going anywhere, than neither am I.
I’m patient enough to work the long game. Provided I know there is enough time for a “long game approach”.
I just want somewhere where I can “do me”, all of me. I can’t rely on my husband to fulfill that now because as twin flames, I don’t want to burn his metaphorical eyes out. We’ve reached a threshold in our relationship: in order for “us” to survive in this world, to prevent metaphysical burnout, I have to reach out to help from others. I have to trust the help of professionals. It’s seriously and quite literally impacting my health.