LiveJournal Teenage Identity Crisis

01 february 2002 @ 18:33

blah. i feel so boring. no, i don’t feel bored, but i feel boring. like i’m even boring myself.
i could just cry…
i dunno. i just feel so pathetic all the time and like i don’t mean anything… i don’t like myself at all.

why does felix like me? it can’t be because of my personality. i’m too dull and normal for it to be because of my “witty humourous side”. and it can’t be because of my appearance because i’m just as average (possibly less) then the next female.

ehh, i’m paranoid, i guess…
worried and depressed and boring as usual…
to get the full story behind all this crap i’m feeling, simply click on the bottom link. i wrote the same thing on my website, too.

or don’t worry about. i’ll probably just bore you with more of my boring stories, rants, complaints, etc…

Boring and Ordinary
I feel so… uninteresting. Like all I am is as waste of space and air. I’m so boring. I’m not funny, there’s nothing really extraordinary about me, I’m not even dramatic. I’m just… ordinary.
Like even my site is boring. I know that I somewhat like it because I feel proud that I’ve actually done something. But when I really read through it, I was yawning at myself. I’m boring. I’m ordinary. I’m nothing more than flesh and bone that walks around taking up space and air.
I never have funny, sad, dramatic or happy stories to tell. I have NO stories to tell. Nothing bad has happened to me. I’m also rather innocent. I haven’t been through child prostitution, poverty, drugs, broken familes, broken relationships, eatting disorders, mental disorders, cults… I’m just your average teenager.

But I don’t want to be average! i want to have something special about me that makes me stand out! But I’m so ordinary that it makes me want to cry! It makes me so angry at myself. I just want to hang myself from the tallest tree in Hyde Park so that maybe I can be noticed for doing something different…
Am I a teenybopper? I don’t know… I certainly hope not. I don’t know what I am anymore. I always thought I was a freak, but when I’ve met other people and heard about others, I realised that I’m so ordinary and so lifeless.

Who am I to you? No one? Thought so. You don’t know me, No one does. That’s because I don’t stand out in anyway to be noticed. I’m just another face in the fast moving crowd, and I’m getting swept away by the current.

07 february 2002 @ 21:40
[protected post] why do i care? why do you care? why don’t i care? why don’t you care?  
you know how it feels when you care about someone so much, but it just seems like they don’t care about you back? the truth is that you know that they care, but you yourself can’t feel it.
you feel like there’s no point in anything anymore because that one person “doesn’t approve”. or maybe they doapprove, but your mind is so warped that you believe the worst is not about to happen, but has already happened.
blah, i’m so confusing. don’t bother with this shit. there’s no point anymore. i just want to die. get myself out of this hole. i hate myself so much. but why?! WHY?

what if i gave you a list of reasons to hate me?

01. i’m disorganised.
02. i’m boring.
03. i complain too much.
04. i cry too much.
05. i cut myself.
06. i’m shy.
07. i spend too much money.
08. i’m not entertaining.
09. i’m “dirty”.
10. i hate myself.

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