Autobiographeme

Kore of Queen Persephone

When I get anxious I like I think I’m not me, I protect myself with different identities. Not that I have any personality disorder or anything. Although I understand I can be seen as a psycho crazy lady. What I mean is that I pretend I’m someone else, and I can wear that skin instead of the skin I live in.

My husband gives me strength and fortitude in spirit, I’m such a push over and too nice. I guess because I don’t know how to not be… I just concede, I’ll agree, I don’t like having pressure put on me because I balk.

I guess there’s childhood trauma there somewhere. I dunno. I feel sad thinking about it, the empty plains of my past, but I know once I’ve had that emotional pain wash over me I’ll have the strength to keep going. Like I’m a mecha machine moved by emotions.

I didn’t have a particularly difficult or sad childhood. My problem is that I apparently have unrealistic expectations about life. Or unrealistic expectations about people.

….I like to pretend I’m other people. I take on different names for different situations or places. It’s not a personality disorder, it’s as simple as people calling you different things depending on your relationship.

Names I’ve been called (not in anger or frustration)

  1. Mum – by my kids. Sometimes students.
  2. Miss – by students.
  3. Sir – also by students.
  4. Babe – my husband.
  5. Kit Kat – by an uncle, a play on my initials (before I got married)
  6. Kym Ralo – I made this up as a character in a story I was writing when I was in late primary school. Her name started as Divvy Ralo, but I changed it after a while. It didn’t have a good flow to it.
  7. Kaytha – my friends and I were playing around with out initials and seeing what our names would be. This was when Jennifer Lopez reinvented herself as J.Lo
  8. Kali – I made up the name Kallista Taite as an alias in junior high school. For funsies.
  9. Alita J. Lane – I started using this name officially online when I was doing vainglorious websites, then the name just moved over to social media. Used this 2000-2007.
  10. May – I saw this movie and I loved it. I felt I could relate to her. So I showed my bf (now ex. The last one before meeting my man) and said I reminded him of her. I thought that was weird and funny! I’m not a psycho. I don’t go murdering people.

Even after all that I’ve gone through in the past couple of months, I still feel like TIME… time is running out. And I don’t know if it’s a good or bad thing… like am I anticipating relief or retribution?

I feel like I’m stuck holding these separate parts of myself and am the only one able to bring them together… I know it’s possible because..

  • I healed my mind, didn’t I?
  • I feel connected to my “spirit” sort of, I think… I mean, I’ve got an outlet for my thoughts and ideas!
  • I feel loved. So my heart is fine.
  • But my body?! WTF is going on with my diabetes?!

I feel disconnected from my body… not like “out of body experiences” though. I need a new body, like Alita.

It was a name I started using ages ago. It was the base name for the majority of my online identity for years. I picked that name because I thought it was a really cool manga.

I stumbled upon her in like 1998? As I used to browse the web and look for people who I thought I might kind of resemble… I liked her origin story and that’s what made me pick her name.

She was essentially a found in a garbage dump, and the scientist that found her discovered she had a functioning brain, so he rebuilt her.

She reminded me of me! Not really, I wasn’t white (or I wasn’t Asian…?). My mum used to say they found me in a bin because no one wanted me.

I thought it was super cool that Alita was beautiful and basically a superhero.

The body she had wasn’t the one she was born with, but did it matter? Her brain contained everything about her, but couldn’t “live” unless it was inside a vessel… they (body and mind) were both perfect together (come joined together in the heart).

I tried out the name on ICQ and after a little while someone mentioned that I actually looked like my avatar. And I was like “wwhhhhaaa?” (But totally feeling super chuffed and full of pride). After that I totally went with the name and she became me alter ego. A name for the face of my shadow.

You have no idea how many layers I have to shed to feel comfortable enough to reveal my identity online. I’d spent my whole life constructing these versions of myself to hide behind, to use as a means of self preservation because .. I dunno. To run from my mistakes. To hide from them. I’d feel like I fucked something up, and instead of cutting my hair I would make a new identity. Not legal (or illegal) identities, just… Names…

9 replies »

    • It’s why I’m here online publicly writing about it. It’s my attempt to bring all aspects into one complete whole. To not just be whole (for i am), but to see myself as whole (show others, and remind myself. All my perfect imperfections) and to accept (not reject) myself the way that I am.
      I can be gracious, merciful, kind, bubbly, irreverent, cruel or cold. The way I treat others is far more balanced than the way I treat myself.

      Liked by 1 person

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