You made your own choices

And fuck everyone else. You did what was right for you, people are just the worse. They are fucking parasites who only want to use use use. People have no idea what they want anyway, they’re so flighty and inconsistent. But heck, that’s me to a tee. I am sooo wishy washy washing machine, fading colours and bleeding red into whites. I just have to accept this part of myself and figure out what do I even want? I just wanted to be loved. I wanted to be liked. I wanted friends. But! I’m a girl. I can only be friends with particular people, in a particular way, in a particular sphere, chaperoned and chauffeured and coddled and coached to be this or that. I was always (and still am, kinda) “I wonder what it’d be like to…?” something or other. And so I fucking did it! Not out of courage or whatever, but sheer obstinacy.

Oh! V for victim, V for virgin. I think I wrote about being a whore and upgrading my V card to a double V… VV or W. Lol. Extra virgin. (whore/whole).

All this talk about Shiny Shinings, more like shuck off. Shun the nonbeliever. The Shunning. I can just imagine you running a hotel and calling it the Shunning.. or.. you hold a film premiere and troll people because the shunning is you not turning up. There was no film. Lol

I totally get the whole sucking at making choices. I always get mine wrong too. Because… these words that people use to explain what they want or expect… because we don’t distinguish defined parameters (as common knowledge does not require references), our ideas of “effort” from either party are just fucked. THAT NOTION OF WHAT ONE CONSTITUTES AS “EFFORT”… holy fuck, that came to me in June/July and totally fucking.. fucked me over. It was a massive catalyst to this inquiry and investigation into the evolution of language and shit.

Everybody makes choices everyday. I have no idea what choices others are making. I am just fucking doing. But… where the hell is that thing that I wrote..?!

2 replies »

  1. Life is definitely a struggle when you live and think outside the box. I was not a jock. I was not a teacher’s pet or nerd. I was not a burn-out. (Refer to 80s/90s for definition of those “titles”) I could relate, in part, to any one of those groups, but I could not BE a part of any one of those groups. I live that way to this day. I don’t know any other way to live. I am married. I have a daughter. I have a job. I’m a gamer geek… to a point. I love music… of ALL kinds.
    I have one life-long/ best friend besides my wife. The others I know are friends to a point, but there is always a limit to those friendships, because I don’t quite “fit”.
    My response? FUCK IT!!! I can only be who I am. I am a good person, but I am definitely NOT the person many think I am or should be. It is a struggle, but I would not change it. I will not compromise my integrity. That is all I have that’s truly mine.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Exactly. The right response. You do you, are true to your ideals and values, you don’t need much else. And you have love and joy (and frustration too, i bet) in your life. It’s existence. it’s… just life the way it is. Haha.
      I really enjoyed that you wrote that comment here to me. Fist bump!

      Liked by 1 person

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