The Real Deal

Trust no one. Even me.

There is no escape from one’s past. No escape from your actions, thoughts, words or memories. Because if you forget or try to move on? You bet someone is going to shove your face in it so you never get to move on.

No one in particular does this to me. It is mostly just timing, circumstance. Just… shit happens. The way unrelated things in life seem to just line up, like a shuffled deck of cards dealt out to the players around a table. I pick up my hand and I’ve got…

Something that reminds me that I will never get to be good.

Which… I have to learn to accept. I will never be good. I will never be good enough.

I am bad. I will always be bad enough.

Although, I do draw the line at evil. For I don’t believe I’m evil. I think traitors are evil. Being 2 faced for personal gain is evil. I’m 2 faced as it allows me passage to learn from and also speak to these opposing sides of “good and/or evil”.


Biffy Clyro – God & Satan

I talk to God as much as I talk to Satan ’cause I want to hear both sides / Does that make me cynical / There are no miracles / And this is no miraculous life // I savour hate as much as I crave love because I’m just a twisted guy / Is this pinnacle, is this the pinnacle, the pinnacle of being alive / Now I see the light
Well I look up to god and I see trouble / ’cause this ain’t a miracle / I just want to take my chance to live through a miracle
I know for certain that someone is watching but, is it from up or down / I make you miserable you stick with me although / You know I’m going to ruin your life // We walk into the tide
When the see-saw snaps and splinters your hand don’t come crying to me / I’ll only see your good side / And believe it’s a miracle / A miracle / I slap the water and watch / The fish dance to the ripples of us / We’re the dull blue duds / Blinking eyes encased in rust


Btw readers. My dead grandfather? His name was Tony. Never knew he existed, I mean, I thought he was dead. Until 2002 when I found out he had died.

I didn’t know how I was supposed to react. I was criticised for not mourning a man I had never known.

Names are important to me. People change their names for a variety of reasons. Usually because they’re trying to run or hide or escape something. Blend in, assimilate, camouflage, lie, hide, survive…

I find it fascinating. To learn of the reasons people choose certain names over others. Also, the things a person will willingly attach their name. To have it be known that they associated or were involved in any way with the development of a thing… Like a fair-weather friend.

People only want their successes known; anything that may indicate otherwise… they will deny, lie and decry any mistake on their part!

Clockwise from left: Anni (Annikki), Marty (Matti), Tony (Toivo), and Pekka (Peter). That’s my dad.

3 replies »

  1. This may appear as a syntax error. But in real life it is no code. Nothing and no one is wholly negative. Neutrality in life is absurd. Plus and/or minus is the order. There exist in place of Neutrality an option. Choosing either what seems right or wrong. Likewise survival or dieing. Keep it simple we are told by the erudite few. Nothing is simpler. Stopping the quest for understanding does not mean stopping to listen, love or living the simple life, quite the reverse, Lao Tsu et al have long promulgated “living in the moment” as is the popular mantra here in Europe at present. I am soon to die. Thought is a taxing exhausting passtime regardless of where in the river anyone is. I am nearest to the delta. I intend reducing the burden of mental taxation. I of course am speaking figuratively. We all, it seems to me, should aim to live a whole life. The measures of the “completeness” of a life well lived, is if at the end you have nothing. That odds proof enough to this World that you gave everything to live.

    Finally, I know nothing of the ways of the gamer. I only enter the game as a spectator. In the final analysis, (and I have experienced final absurdist analysis through having survived an episode of Cardiac Arrest), there really is nothing to be gained which is of lasting benefit in all of existence. Assuming any of this exists. Christopher – the voice of The Legionnaires of Quanta – talking Bollocks for England.

    Liked by 1 person

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