For the first time in almost a year I got out my guitar and tried to have a go at playing again. Now this is actually a massive thing! Look at the dust on that guitar case!
Let’s be real, I’m no guitarist. I’m very much in the ball park of “maybe ok” at playing one. I know some chords, but I’m not one of those people who can just pick one up and smash out a song. I know some songs, but nothing impressive and not even a complete song. But I tried! Isn’t that what is positive?
I have not had time to do anything leisurely or creative for its own sake in a very long time. I used to play games on the xbox but haven’t done that in years either. Students at school would gaff when I’d say that, but then I’d have to explain that “the kids use the tv more, and I don’t really have time to play because I’m stuck doing adult things, and there are other interests I like to pursue.”
I gave a go at playing “Through Glass” by Stone Sour because that’s my song obsession at the present. I was garbage until I realised I had to tune the guitar down a semitone. I still can’t play it and sing at the same time, but it was fun to try. I did make a couple of recordings on my phone but they were all so shoddy I trashed them all.
I have missed singing, and being part of a band. I mean, god, the last band I was in was for 1 performance for Harmony Day and it was the high school’s staff band! Haha! But it was fun to rehearse and be part of something creative again. I used to love doing that as a teenager. OH TO BE YOUNG AGAIN, (and I’m not even that old) the freedom for self expression and from responsibilities! Don’t get me wrong, I remember have a terrible time during high school and I get that kids (as well as adults) experience their own problems and anxieties that are so easily dismissed by anyone of a different generation. But to have the wisdom of adulthood and the vitality of my youth…
But because I can’t help telling everyone what I think and feel about everything because god dammit I MUST BE HEARD!
- English teacher? Check!
- Jealous much? Check!
- Everything is symbolic and must be personally interpreted? Check!
Now I’m not a killjoy who deconstructs and dissects poetry up the yin-yang to the point where we all feel a bit violated. Ain’t no one got time for that when there is music to enjoy and art to appreciate! I will link the lyrics here though and only comment on why this is my jam (of the moment).
Stone Sour released this puppy in 2006 but I’m a sucker for post-grunge and I love that Spotify creates daily mixes for me to remind me of songs I haven’t heard in years or to introduce me to new artists. When I was ruminating on “what the fuck is it that I do? I build invisible connections with people! Why isn’t that valued as much as bullshit on paper?!” having my personal (and silent) rage out in the car. I hit shuffle on my phone and Through Glass begins to play.
I’ve successfully extended my self-identified anthropomorphic metaphor… I’m not just general purpose “a bridge”, able to connect all metaphysical divides that I’ve crossed paths. My idealised empire hinges on my psychic construction of this “spiritual” GLASS BRIDGE. Fragile, invisible, beautiful, fractured, reflective and overlooked.
Stone Sour – Through Glass (2006) & WHAT IT MEANS TO ME
I was feeling disconnected from Jain. Discussing with the mental health people my issues, they commented that my thoughts are very fast – I assured them they have always been quick, it’s just that now I am speaking them out loud. ANYWAY, with my mind and emotions as quick as they are, it is inevitable that Jain can struggle to keep up with my ever changing needs, wants, and ideas. So I can’t blame him for this “disconnect”, heck, I struggle to keep up with myself.
So the chorus of this song helped explain how I felt. We’re together, but I feel there is a divide between us, one that he doesn’t see. Being so close yet so far from the one who keeps me grounded and sane.
no one ever tells you that forever feels like home sitting all alone inside your head
I feel fine now, but there was a few weeks where I had no idea how I felt as I was overwhelmed by feeling the whole damn emotional spectrum. No answer is ever easy when it comes to trying to understand me. My soul was awakened and blasting into space on some divergent trajectory which tore my focus away from the present, my work and my responsibilities. Jain would listen to historical podcasts and I’d throw my hands up in the air and exclaim “isn’t it obvious? blah blah blah…“
He had to constantly remind me “but that’s not real” and “this is reality” when I’d go off on some insane and grandiose exclamation. I considered severing my soul so I could devolve into a common mindless lemming. Jain again had to remind me that nothing has actually changed, it was just me. I had to face that my distorted existence was just my misperception, I manifested my own skewed version of an otherwise neutral reality.
I also remember commenting on a post by Mantis Tarot about stars and suns, the difference being distance. Stars can light the way but given the right proximity their light has the potential to blind (our sun). Or if we consider stars as “inspiration” rather than giant celestial balls of light, our glimmers of hope and ideas are subject to our interpretation and fuck it, we are vulnerable to deceit (self or otherwise).
Originally published 21 September 2018 // Republished 16 February 2019
Categories: Glory holes