In honour of my Saintly Ex-Factors, this Valentines Day.

From the deep and dark depths of my archives… It is 14th February 2019, Valentine’s Dayand so I figured I would repost this baby that is a happy little tribute to the men responsible for teaching me much of what I know about romantic love.

This was originally posted 27th October 2018, one day before I announced the “whore of Babylon” phase of my antichrist campaign. In this post I reveal that tomorrow (15th February 2019) is the beginning of Phase 3 (get ready for the black horseman of pestilence!).

The Ex-Factors

Here are the names of 4 of my ex-lovers and saints: the roles that they played in my development, and my reciprocations. This is a much abridged list.

Before you read on, I just want to adjust some of your browser settings.

  1. The following list consists of the most influential lover-boys from my past.
  2. It does not include every boyfriend, romantic interest, sexual dalliance, mental interrelationship or fling I may or may not have had.
  3. This post is just about 2000 words (so it’s long-ish…) and DOESN’T EVEN COVER THE HALF OF IT. I’ve tried to use dot points to keep it concise and shit.
  4. The photos and images included herein were selected to protect the real life identities of these guys, but also give an indication of their faces because of the resemblance.
  5. These guys were truly significant others. Great catches. They deserve all the love and happiness in the fucking world for not being total douche bags, they were (and are) phenomenal human specimens. They essentially prepared me for the tumultuous (and ever so fulfilling) relationship with my twin flame – my current significant other – J.

So, now that you know what this is about, you may want to continue reading, or not. Either way, I’ve written it and I’m posting it. SO HERE YA GO!

and of course, like many of my formative experiences, it all began in 1999…..

The first heart I broke

Travis Barker, drummer.
  • 1999 Dane. The first guy I loved, and the first to truly suffer at my caprice. I was young and didn’t realise what he meant to me then.
    • He was incredibly tall and it was funny to told his hand. He was over a foot taller than me so my arm would have a slight lilt as a child holding the hand of her dad.
    • I was always so hot and cold in my feelings toward him. He was sweet and stable so I strung him along as my personal safe line if ever I felt pangs of loneliness. He deserved so much better than me. But I knew how to use people up and spit them out when I was done, only to sing a siren song and somehow they would return.
    • He was a dessert chef, and unfortunately was attacked one night that left him in a coma for a little while. He’s okay now! I’m so glad he was able to recover and find himself after the mess I kind of left his heart in…
    • It was with him I discovered the first of my keys to the patterns of me. He was my first Scorpio, November 13.


The first to break my heart

Henry looks nothing like this.
  • 2002 Henry. He was the epitome of cool, an embodiment of my version at least. He was also the first and only guy to ever break my heart. We were only 15.
    • He was into punk, introduced me to Warhammer and had a wicked sense of humour. He made me laugh, and I loved to read his stories.
    • His was the second V-card I claimed. When there’s a will, there’s a way to find a suitable place and provide enough coaxing for him to take the initial plunge with me (it was never in a house).
    • We were dark elves: I was his sorceress and he was my general. I led the witch elves of Slaanesh, and he’d tell me of his triumphs and tricks. I painted us blue for the magic that ran under my skin.
    • I still think he’s cool, but that doesn’t mean anything other than that. It’s just my memories of him. And isn’t social media a wonder that we get to be constantly reminded of our successes and our failures?
    • He went on to be quite a success, a modern day Renaissance man. He was in the army, published 4 novels, worked as a solicitor, and he also does pankration tournaments.



  •  2002-2004David. I want to thank him for everything he was for me, he was my very first love and I still get a little choked up when I reminisce.

Alita: but do you want a chance?

David: well yes
Alita: how much of a chance?
David: how much do i get?
Alita: me
Alita: how much do you want?
Alita: or need
David: as much as possible
Alita: what are you expectations the relationship?
David: well what a question,i would like to trial it and see what happens, like what we talked about in my car about two weeks ago
Alita: ahhh yes.
Alita: when do you plan to trial it? or still waiting for a final decision?
David: ill visit on Wednesday, i’ll tell you then
David: in person
(an excerpt from an MSN chat transcript)
Chris O’Donnell. David-double.

I wonder if you can tell from this conversation that he was 6 years my senior? Now don’t attack. He fought me for as long as he could, but I just tend to have things work out the way I like them to…. Haha. I was just different somehow. Much like V, when we were younger we lusted after older guys.

Apparently David forgot our age difference when it was just he and I. It was just when I was around my friends I acted like an idiot. And I didn’t understand the references and jokes his friends made. Goes to show that when you love each other it doesn’t matter if you’re friends with their friends.

Without sounding really awkward like I’m putting my foot in my mouth, but David really gave me an education – or standard – by which I would judge the ideal. He called me his prototype, and now I realise he was mine. I know prototype isn’t the same as pinnacle or paragon. But it means the first, the beginning, the basis from which the others will be judged. We set each others standards…

  • He taught me to not share passwords, regardless that we’d been dating for 2 years.
  • I didn’t understand the difference between political parties so I asked him who he voted for and why and stuff. He didn’t want to talk to me about it because he didn’t want to influence me in political matters. Insistent I should read, make my own mind up, and then we could discuss it.
    • I chose to not read because I wasn’t that keen on politics. But now that I’m older, I am quite a “centralist”. The necessity and importance of balance.
  • He was always bluntly honest with me. Because he didn’t believe it was right to string anyone along, about anything.
    • We would often discuss semantics. It was always so interesting. I asked him if about if I was interesting or something. I can’t remember what the words were now, but I just remember feeling gutted he didn’t think I was interesting.
    • I’m not mad about it now. I really appreciated his honesty. It has greatly influence the kind of person I am today.
  • He didn’t feel comfortable teaching me how to drive. He had his full licence and I was old enough to get my L’s, although I didn’t get my learner’s permit until I was 21.

It’s kind of funny. J has met David and even J says that David isn’t normal – because he’s just damn genuine and not out to fuck anyone over. Pretty neat. I’m quite fortunate to have dated this guy during my most self-destructive years of my teens. I really didn’t deserve him, but I’m glad that I was able to have him in my life (so pivotal to the development of the person I am today – even if I totally fucked him around back in the day).

I hope he’s doing well… I don’t want to make anything weird by “reaching out to him out of the blue” after all these years. But his birthday IS TOMORROW so I’ll send him a perfunctory FaceBook message (thank social media for allowing us to “innocently enough” keep in touch with people we don’t actually keep in touch with…)


The first heart I didn’t actually break

(because he took the initiative and cut himself off from my toxicity)

Ok. This is the last dude I was actually in a ‘relationship’ with before J. (There were other people who were just “good times” at the time … or maybe several times …) I’ve mentioned this guy before, actually.

I’d be laughing too if I wasn’t the joke.
  • 2005 Kris – huge dick. Bit chubby. Player player. Self conscious of public appearances. Smoker who couldn’t understand why I smoked?
  • Python Penis – painfully and fucking delightfully endowed. I learned to enjoy having my cervix penetrated during sex because abstinence was never an option. HAH.
  • Pacified player – he was 20, I was 18. He was looking to maybe not be a player or something, and I was like “fuck that, I’m legal now! But I’ll tell you whatever you want to hear, baby.”
    • I really liked him, but I wasn’t looking to get into a relationship… but I consented to “dating” him because I really liked him! Although thinking back on it, I probably should have told him how I really felt..? Not like I was dating or seeing anyone else, but I liked having my options kept open. Not affixing labels to shit… *shrugs*
    • During our trip to Adelaide, he told Sara that he thought I might be the one.
    • Eeek, now I feel even more guilty about treating him as cavalier as I did. Oh well. It’s just remorse, it won’t do anything to dwell on this shit that was over 13 years ago. LOL.
  • Weird combo of putting me down but also compliment me… Negging?
    • I loved his music taste, but he’d kind of trash on anything that wasn’t part of his curated collection of musical cool. (Like Sevendust, and Blindside)
    • Doubted EVERYTHING about me because (such as is typical of my life) Shit just didn’t seem to “add up” with me. Even if I was being completely honest and open about shit, SHIT LOOKS BAD EVEN IF YOU’RE COMPLETELY INNOCENT. People are more overly concerned about how things SEEM rather than how they actually ARE.
    • Total ego boost that, according to him, I was a hottie. But this also made him super suspicious of other dudes around me. To be fair, I was a mega flirt who liked the attention anyway. So it’s not like I was any symbol of faith, trust and virtue. DOUBT DOUBT DOUBT because I like to flirt with sin.
  • I totally fucked him around and he had enough self respect to just dump my ass.
    • He and Sara reported me to the police as a missing person one time. I was off on a spontaneous drug fueled bender, I knew exactly where I was (and because I was not sober), I wasn’t exactly mindful of the repercussions of my disappearance… I’d gone “missing” before? But I dunno, Kris was the first to actually notice and care that I was MIA one time?
    • I slept with one of his friends after we broke up. Not out of revenge or anything, I just thought he was a nice guy and I liked that he still talked to me after Kris and I broke up.

I looked him up on social media a little while ago, just for a sticky-beak. Wanted to see if there was anything of interest to placate my pang of curiosity. He lost weight to a “healthy” weight? I dunno. I liked him chubbier, the way he was when we dated… His one image I could find of his face reminded me of a stanky Merrick Watts disguised with a Chopper Read mustache.


Categories: Glory holes, Party Canonfukka

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1 reply

  1. Your transforming before my eyes it is your time to reach out into the stars

    Liked by 1 person

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