28 December 2001 @ 14:05


it hurts to know that someone you care about doesn’t care about you.
i know it’s like that with most – if not all – people.
you give your heart to someone, yet they always find a way to smash it against the wall and laugh in your face (they might not literally do it, but they might as well).
all i can say is that love sucks and i absolutely hate it. i hate it.
i hate it almost as much as i hate life.
i really shouldn’t. i should be grateful that i’m alive, but i’m not. i hate it to bits. i’m just waiting for death to take me away.
i know i shouldn’t do this, but i pray that i’ll die.

“is there something wrong with you when you’re main ambition in life is to be dead?”
there shouldn’t be. afterall, thats what i want to be. dead. but i would never kill myself. of course i wouldn’t. but that doesn’t mean that i don’t want to die…
god, i don’t even know what i want. i don’t know what to do. i’m all alone. sometimes, i feel like i’m less lonely when i’m by myself.

james (my ex) sent me an icq message calling me a whore. whether he was joking or not, i am unsure of. but that still cuts real deep.
dane never answers my calls, cancels my calls or turns his phone off everytime i try to ring him. so i give up trying to contact him.
reggie is in love with someone from church (he’s just my best friend, but when someone is in love, their mind is elsewhere, and i know he’ll be thinking of her rather than comforting me).
asher has enough problems (another of my best friends. i don’t want to burden him with my bitching).
and all my girlfriends… well i don’t want to bother them. i’m afraid they’ll either judge me to my face, or behind my back.

it’s so hard to cry. yet it’s so easy. it’s hard to explain… i don’t even know if i’m making sense. i doubt i am. but whatever.

i just want to be cared about. is that so much to ask?