The Real Deal

LJarchive: get in the va(i)n, now!

12 November 2001 @ 20:33

>> beep beep mmm beep beep yeah  

oh come on. i don’t even know why i bother calling james. he’s always on the net, or he’s out or he’s eating dinner whenever i call him. i haven’t spoken to him since friday and he doesn’t seem to want to talk to me.

he asked me “why are you so shitty?” just then, and he asked that because i just cut him off the net and i was upset because i knew he wanted to be back on the net rather than talking to me. i just answered him with “nothing. i’m fine”.
i wish that he wanted to talk to me. i wish that he wanted to talk to me like he used to. he used to call me up every afternoon because he missed me. but he doesn’t miss me anymore. i love him so much but i think he’s losing interest. i haven’t seen him for over two weeks…
i still love him as much as i always have, but i’m scared that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. it’s also our 2 month anno in 3 days.

dear god, don’t let him break up with me…

i love him so much… but… oh i don’t know. me and my paranoia about rejection and losing everyone.

maybe i’m like that because i lose everyone that i care about. i guess that’s why i try to stay away from close relationships with many people because i’m scared that i’ll lose them… i lost my dad and two uncles in one year. i’ve been switching through best friends most of my life because i keep losing them to other people. other “cooler” “more popular” “prettier” people.
maybe i’m going to lose james to someone gorgeous, funny, kind, lovely that goes to his school. someone who he’d get to see all the time because i’m not good enough. it’ll probably be sasha or someone that he likes to talk about…

i swear i’m going to end up crying soon. just thinking about losing him is breaking me up right now. i don’t even want to lose him. he’d rather play a computer game on the net (sub space) than talk to me. i don’t care whoever plays that game, he can play it if he wants… but he always complaing abouthow i cut him off the net from playing it. god, i haven’t spoken to him since friday and he’s had all weekend to play it! plus all friday night and earlier this afternoon… and he’d still rather play that game!
this is probably just me exaggerating and making a big deal over nothing because i’m very upset right now. when i’m happy i’ll talk about james being the best guy in the world, but when i’m upset he’s the devil. i guess i’m just taking it out on him because he’s so close to me… i don’t know.

i had another dream about daniel last night. why am i dreaming about daniel? i don’t like him that way! he’s just a good friend from school. actually, i think the reason i’m dreaming about other guys (reggie, daniel…) is because i feel neglected from james…? it’s probably because daniel is just so much fun and makes me feel wanted (he always puts his arm around me and makes me laugh), and probably because reggie cares about me so much. he’s always there for me whenever i need someone to cry on. reggie is one of my best friend’s from church. so since i feel so unwanted and unappreciated and neglected from james, my subconscious could be searching for other guys to feel loved… bah.

well in my dream, was that it was like really early in the morning – say 2am or something – and james rang me up saying how he missed me. i told him i’d call him back that afternoon (monday afternoon). we were still talking for about 10minutes when i rolled over and saw daniel was asleep next to me. i told james i’d call him back later then hung up. i started poking daniel to see if he was real or just my imagination because i was really freaked out. daniel then woke up and turned to me. he said “hey hunny”. then i woke up.
when i woke up i was fully freaked out. that was pretty much a nightmare! i told rachel about it and she just laughed.
well ha ha ha… very funny rachel. it’s just strange.

 

Current Mood: rejected

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