Livejournal archive: I am a stigma

09 October 2001 @ 09:37

>> i don’t know what to do with myself  

last night all i could think about was dying. i was thinking about that movie “stigmata” and how the girl had these nails go right through her wrists. i wanted to do that to me. i wanted to die. and i still do…

what’s wrong with me? i’ve become really depressed lately and i’ve been feeling so alone and confused. i really do have to get out of here. i really do need to get away. but i can’t run away because i don’t want to run away from my mum… i want to run away from these people around me! like those at school, church, those i know from other places…
i’m always being judged by the way i act and look and talk. and those who don’t say anything, they’re probably saying it behind my back or thinking it. that i’m some sort of suicidal freak who’s a bitch and a whore.

whenever i have plans to go out, they always get cancelled at the last minute so i always end up being dogged. and if i don’t get dogged, i have thw worst time being i get ignored the whole day.

and if i don’t invite someone to go out they chuck a stress at me. at ME and not at anyone else. say i go out with one person and we forgot to invite someone else, that someone else would get angry at me and not the other.

everything is always my fault.

my own boyfriend denies that we’re going out to any of his friends. while i call him my boyfriend, he calls me a friend (in front of them) so does that mean he’s ashamed of me? does that mean he doesn’t really care? well fuck him! ….but i still care about him so much and i wouldn’t want to break up with him…

oh god, i don’t even know whats wrong with me. i hate myself so much right now and i’m so lost and alone and i could really just kill anyone right now…
*cries*

 

Current Mood: lonely

Current Music: the messenjah – P.O.D.