LJ archive

John, Blair and James

My friends all lie  

Think of the song “my friends all lie” by Jerk. Well the chorus anyway.
I feel so fucking horrible. I feel like I’ve done something to upset or offend or something to some of the guests at my place last night. John left pretty early, and Blair and James didn’t seem to enjoy themselves last night nor today. I wept bitterly after Blair and James left this afternoon, I kept bugging Jay if he was mad or upset at me and he just yelled “I’m just tired, can’t I be fucking tired?” so I left him alone in the bedroom. That was less than half an hour ago.

Weeping, I had thoughts of going to the bathroom, running a bath, and just cutting myself. Therapeutic. Not to suicide, just cut and cry. And relax, after all it’s a bath. Kinda crazy, isn’t it?
I really should be going to the doctor and increasing the dosage because it’s had no effect on the anxiety just keeping the depression mostly at bay, but I’ve been feeling incredibly lazy about it. Maybe this week I should actually get around to it. This is only my first break however.

I don’t think about suicide as often anymore. Killing myself seems so selfish, but it doesn’t stop the thoughts of my death.
I keep thinking about quickly being taken from behind, a dagger skillfully and quickly plunging into the nape of my neck at an upward angle, severing my spine and spinal cord, and lodging in the base of my brain.
This is not a paranoid thought, I don’t think anybody would do this to me, I only wish they would.

Far fetched. Over dramatic. Indulgent.

09 August 2009 @ 16:15

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