Pretendepression.

I’m no stranger to self loathing, I ache with it everyday, a residual pain that is silently present in the background.

However recently I just feel that I am seething with it. I am full and bursting. It has taken an active role in my daily life that I find it excruciatingly difficult to just get up and go on with my day.

I hate myself, and I don’t even really know why. Actually, I do know… it’s because I am completely loathsome.

I know all the things that I hate, and I’m sure most of it is rather delusional. But I don’t understand why recently I have come to hate myself so much? All the minuscule things I hated are all there, and yet now they are bigger. Each thing is so more significant. It is all full of shit.
I’m so confused by my sudden explosion of self hate.

I have considered just offing myself, the thoughts are digging at my brain. But I know that I can’t do that because I have a responsibility to my family. Still even then, delusion teams up with logic and tells me that my self loathing is making me lazy and unproductive… neck yourself to get out of the way, don’t neck yourself because they need you.

But me being here is not helping, I’m not pulling my weight. But not being here will be just the same. Damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

I’m not as suicidal as I used to be though, I haven’t tried to act out on it in a while. I know I am an attention seeker and I lack the urge to ever proceed. This is a normal cycle for me.

The unreasonable and irrational mental turmoil has spread to my heart. My heart aches with hatred. And it is all directed within, to myself.

Why do I put myself through this? Because I deserve it.

How do I make it stop? Just shut up with the self talk.

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Muse of epic poetry. Mother Metatron. Contemporary teacher of humanity and art.

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