Rerun 030: Go back to sleep

28 August 2018

I dont know if I could ever turn off.

I really wish i was dead. Because i see the pain i cause to the people i love the most.

I don’t know how to walk away. I don’t know how to control my emotions.

But to everyone else it’s so obvious. They tell me to walk away.

But whenever I walk away, it gets other people angry.

And.. how many times do I have to walk away?

How many people do I have to turn my back on?

And in the end, I’m just so very alone. My heart is crumbling. I can feel it in my chest just… crushing into itself.

I hate myself. I wish i was dead.

I wish I was dead.

I wish I was dead.

If only there could be someone that would kill me. I want to die

And it would be fine because I know the world would be fine.

There are people researching and doing stuff that I think about. I’m not needed there.

And at home, I just get in the way. They are perfectly capable of surviving without me.

If I die, this would be so they wouldn’t have to fucking worry about “cleaning up after me”, the broken hearts of the children, their tears… confused about what the fuck is wrong with them to make their minder act like a fucking bitch or psycho?

I’m the abusive monster I never wanted to be. Everything was and is for them.

But i keep getting in the way.

I have to take myself out of the picture. That’s the only way they’ll be ok.

I wish I could be alive to see that. But I have to be dead. That’s the only way for them to thrive.

2 replies »

  1. It sounds like you’re going through a really painful time. It’s hard to feel so hopeless- it can feel like it will never end. You’re one of the most important people in your children’s lives. They need their mum. When we’re not living up to ourselves, we can feel so guilty and disappointed that we forget that the shit stuff can help us learn. And also forget how special we are to the people who love us. That losing us would cause them the same pain we’re experiencing now.

    Liked by 1 person

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