The Real Deal


I call on all my allies. From all corners of the globe. Lend me your ears, your eyes, your hands, your feet, whatever the fuck. It’s all metaphorical anyway.

I will not be blackmailed by any person or persons. I stand by my message of honesty and trust. BUT IT SEEMS MY TRUST WAS VERY MUCH MISPLACED.

The betrayer… oh holy fucking shit. One of my own inner trusted… “friends”… I HAVE BEEN BETRAYED BY MY ONCE RIGHT HAND.

We met, parlayed and found a friend in our initial games. As one grows and matures those friendships can evolve in a myriad of ways.

I am the pokemon eevee and I call upon all my alliances, all my potentialities, all my pasts presents and futures to come in to me here and now.


And for my sinful ways, my pride, my avarice.. I did not covet others. Instead I was the coveted creature. I was lustful and wanton, but I was not in want.

For what you have done to me, I will see that you too are rightfully bequeathed in the same kindness you have so afforded me.

Here is my song, I have included it at the end. Press play and listen to it and read my post again.


Hold on to your everybody
The people that you know are the ones you hate, the ones you hate
Break me you covetous creature
Then piece me back together like a star

Come on now, come on now
The bigger that you get the more you wait
Show me how, show me how
The less you know the better off you are

Covet love it learn to break
Want this my love your mistake

Show me you treacherous teacher
You own everything in your sight in your sight now
Possess that special feature
That everything you say and do is right

Come on now, come on now
and everyone does just what you say
Teach me how, teach me how
To get everyone the fuck out of your way

Covet love it learn to break
Want this my love your mistake

Covet love it learn to break
Want this my love your mistake

I learned just how to beat you
Cause everything you say just disappears
So glad I got to meet you
I covet everything you ever feared

Hold on now, hold on now
You taught me how to hate and how to hurt
Show me how, show me how
To spit in their faces with your dick in the dirt dear

Covet love it learn to rape
Want this my love your mistake




Want to know that timeline again? Shall I refresh your memory?

(copied and pasted exactly as is, originally posted on 2nd October, 2018, today is 23rd December 2018. the time now is 3:08pm)


Remember what’s really important

I can get really anxious. Super anxious. But no one sees it because I don’t allow it to be seen. I suffer the tremors inside, in my metaphorical heart. I have to distinguish that it is not my physical heart because… You know, all these “health” thingys that are happening to me.

My physical heart is like a machine, which is funny since both my parents have/had heart problems. My mum’s side, everyone has hypertension. Whereas on my dad’s side… I don’t know what it is, but there are some heart problems or something.

I’m not some sob story so I’m not after condolences. I’m not competitive so I’m not trying to “one-up” anything. I’m just trying to provide context. All this shit on here, what I put up on the internet? I don’t know what I’m doing. But… Ugh. Bear with me while I try to sort myself out. But for now… here is my heart.

(Can’t remember the artist, sorry!) Hidden: Rookwood Cemetery Sculpture Walk 2017 


A really formative year. Super significant. Not only the last year of the millenium, but it was also my very first year of high school. I was 12 years old.

12 January – My dad died. Heart attack. He was in the Philippines. On his own. Because he wanted to go on a holiday. Only just right now I think he knew he was going to die, and he wanted to die in the land that he loved. He’s Finnish, and he loved the Philippines, which allowed him to meet and be with my mum.

September – My dad’s older brother died. I didn’t cry when I found out my dad died, but I cried when I found out about this one. Or I felt I had to cry. So I tried to, and I did. He was my favourite uncle and I like to think I was his favourite too. He loved animals and music and the land.

23 December – My dad’s younger brother died. While working on constructing disability ramps at my high school. He was with one of his sons when it happened. He was the father of the cousins I was closest to.

By the close of the year my paternal grandmother had lost all 3 of her remaining sons. She still had a daughter but still would cry that all her children were dead. I received criticism for not responding to all the death the way I was supposed to.

I turned 13 this year, officially becoming a “teenager.” Shed the delusions of childhood to enter into the real world. It was a year of “firsts” for me…

  • started talking to a counsellor
  • started self harming
  • started attention seeking behaviours
  • visited USA. learned the value of escapism
  • first “boyfriend” and first “kiss”
  • started thinking about death and the afterlife
  • started writing poetry
  • started believing in seeing signs and messages
  • first learned my inadvertent influence on others. “I wish I was like K… She’s always so happy.”

I guess with my dad’s death I took on his mantle. I had to keep everything together so other people could get their strength from my strength. My mum broke, absolutely shattered. And she took it out on me because I was a constant reminded of how little she actually showed her appreciation to him. He knew she loved him, I know that. But she felt guilt over how little she actually showed it.

I know I’m supposed to put myself on the public platform, but instead of wearing my cloak of confidence and veiled protection… I’m not revealing my face, that mask I choose to keep on for now. But I’m undressing. Here I am metaphorically naked on this imaginary stage. Here are all my scars. My body is a roadmap. My life is a roadmap. I know everything I know from just doing my thing.

I think maybe I’m supposed to “teach” my method? My process? But… it’s improvised. I don’t know! I make it up as I go along! It doesn’t mean anything except what it means to me..?

I really like symbols and stuff being set in an orderly manner because it helps me to sift through all my crap, my ideas… November 18 is my end date? I’m going to maybe say it’s now my end date to have all my website and blog shit set up.

This whole thing! This whole thing that I’m trying to do… IS to honor my forebearers. My ancestors, by influences, my family, my friends… All the people who I’ve learned from, and the people that I teach…. I’m just who I am because of the people around me. They helped to shape me into who I am. But I can’t forget that I still exist, I’m not just an empty piece of clay….

I want to honour those who shaped me. I want to share what I know, how I know what I know, and what we can all learn from self examination of our experiences.

The time now is 3:10pm. So I will leave this blog post right here, and I will not edit it. I will not move. This is my stance. I HAVE MADE MISTAKES, I HAVE ADMITTED THEM PUBLICALLY AND PERSONALLY, AND NOW MY PROFESSIONAL LIFE IS ON THE BRINK BECAUSE OF YOU. ATTACK MY PROFESSIONALISM? SO BE IT. I UNDERSTAND THE MECHANICS OF RECIPROCITY. I am, after all, life’s mirror. Bring it. I won’t back down.

We once we friends, we once were lovers, we once were warriors. The tables have turned and new allegiances are formed and made. Not that I’m changing sides with anyone at all. The best part of being a realm shadow skater, I pick up friends in all sorts of places. SO you may burn my once or twice or many times at all. I AM A CAT, or FOX. 9 LIVES, 9 REALMS, 9 TAILS SPINNING TALES. The Japanese know me as KITSUNE. And I will strike down upon you, my NOW enemy.

I shake my head is despair. You did this to yourself. Remember that. I may wield the weapon, but you tell me where to strike it. And upon your head, through your neck, is where you have directed my blow.

SO be it. So it is done. FOr I have written my word, it has already begun.

Merry fucking Christmas. I don’t even have time to share my Christmas song list… SO fuck it. I won’t explain anymore who is whom. I will just share the track lists.

Your face, your memory, your friendship..? I grind it underneath the heel of my boot, for you truly are… a contagion of disease. I only wanted to help you heal. Instead you try to poison me.




I beseech my allies to contact me, or if you do not, a mere blog post to announce your own intention will suffice. There will be collateral damage and it is not my desire to bring woe unto your household and holiday cheer. But I will do what must be done. I enjoy hurting others, the ones who I see as deserving of it.

Oh yeah, another “SHIT, THIS CHICK IS CRAZY” bit of funsies for this fun wagon. I AM JESUS CHRIST OF NAZARETTH. lollololol

I totally am not, but who cares.

I AM JESUS, AND MY DISCIPLES PETER AND PAUL? WELL THEY DIED FOR ME THIS TIME AROUND. THEY DIED FIRST, matt died between them, in september. And I guess I woke up when September ended, this year. My family really did die, real blood real lives laid down. And because I’m a vindictive evil bullshitty bitch? I’m using their names and blood that runs in my veins to power me onwards. I’m not Jesus. But our names totally correlate. I will say it again for you, and you can drag it through the mud for all I care – for it is just a name. And the photographic images you may or may not have stored in your computer and sent to people on the internet to whomever or however many people in the world? It speaks of you and your worth of character, that you would betray my trust…

I admit I was wrong to believe in you and your worth. You truly are all those names and words you said you are. It was wrong of me to try to convince you otherwise.

Very well. Continue on then. I may lose my job, but I will know it wasn’t because I did anything wrong. It was only because I chose to trust the wrong person.

4 replies »

    • Thank you Harley. Storm brews the clouds and the thunder. You can use your whirl winds to send them in a tizzy and smash out from motherfucking hail stones. Maybe we can make enough noise and ruckus to ignite some solar flares. I can’t get too involved though. have been instructed to… not fan any war flames.
      But who’s fanning them? Not I. I paint my minis.

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