26 January 2019, 10:18pm; okay. So. Without and pomp and splendour, my heart rate is elevated as I sit at my dining table, working through Benebell Wen’s Book of Maps. I have been working with her tarot deck – The Spirit Keepers Tarot – pretty slowly and haphazardly this past month.
That is due entirely to my sheer lack of self discipline and “frikken chaos, man”. I can hardly paint a consistent image nor reveal a trustworthy and reliable visage of my self to you… for I barely know what I am going to do (or feel, or say, or act, or EMOTE) from moment to moment.
ART OF DYING – DIE TRYING (lyrics)
I think it’s time for me to go now / I’ve done more harm than good / If I could change how this turned out, yeah / You know that I would / Sometimes the weight is more than I can hold / But I rather fail than not know / If it takes forever / I will die trying / I wish I knew then what I know now / But I’d probably do the same / I get the feeling that it’s planned out / From the cradle to the grave / Sometimes the weight is more than I can hold / But I rather fail than never really know / If it takes forever / I will die trying / And I am digging a hole / I am taking it all / I am digging a hole / To bury my soul / I am digging / If it takes forever / I will die trying
But in order to cement my foundations to my citidel, I must do the groundwork myself. I may be a trickster, but I like to kick the can that rattles around other people’s meta mindscapes – I don’t like background noise in my own temple. There are so many songs and memories, it is a clamour just trying to hold onto a single thread to discern the message, relevance and directed meanings as I see them to be.
For those who have not been with me from the start: I am a suprafreak fangirl of stuff, and people. Yeah, I don’t like people, but people are also the most interesting and surprising mysteries within the so-called galaxy. And Bell Wen has been my aspiration. Not in a weird idol worship way, but that her reputation, philosophy, pedagogy and ‘aura’ has been one that I wished to embody within myself. She is an analytical, empathic metaphysician. From reading her books and watching her youtube clips, her presence reminds me so much of my husband… An authority figure who is calm, critical and precipient.
These are qualities that I have so desired to command within myself, but I am somewhat askew of that path. This is because I am ‘extra’, I’m loquacious, reactionary, and otherwise… oppositional. For like a circle, it doesn’t matter where you begin or end, it’s the same old story again and again. But… while most people seem to be turning in a clockwise pattern, my apparent path has decided been in the reverse direction…
I must stop this incessant slipstream skating and sliding, no more lingering in the peripherals of your stories. I hereby stop the emanations burning through me, and rebuild my glass asylum to house the essence of me, here.. within me.
For if anyone is going to trust a patty-fruit-cake dingbat, I MEAN, ENOUGH TO PAY ME SOME MONIES for any service (oh dear, I really need to organise my shittle website and blog thing) I proffer, I need to demonstrate for what you are essentially giving up your good and hard earned dollary-doos.
I know there are those of you that have gotten a kick out of my tarot reading style, so I will have to exert some self-discipline and hopefully reveal to you an honest representation of myself, but also that it may help to guide you to finding the divinity that lies within each and every one of you all.
My book of names may have to wait as I believe that I need to lay the concrete foundations for my desired empire before I build the structural housings of that empire. For anything build on sandy ground will not stand up against the elements should any wind start to blow. I need structural integrity before I can expect anyone to find solace and security in trusting anything that comes from me.
So, let us take a seat around this backyard bonfire. We can grab some guitars, sing kumbaya and revel in good ol’ campsite merry making in time soon enough. But for now, I must set the precedent tone and reveal to you my story, or at least this very specific and direct narrow path of mine, so you’ll know what to expect and how to make your way to (and from) here each time. This is my neck of the woods, and I want you to feel safe with me. Even if the darkness hides shadowy movement and figures. By the light of my fire, you’ll be fine.
My pseudonym is Kalliope, intentional in my selection of specific entity that best matches the spiritual hallmarks I recognise as representative of me. I hereby proclaim that for the next 22 days I will guide you through my journey through the major arcana of Benebell Wen‘s Spirit Keeper’s Tarot deck.
It is my desire that by sharing this rather personal tarot journal journey with you, it may nurture some seeds of curiosity, interest and/or expressions of tribute within yourself. Which hopefully, with enough effort and time, come to a tipping point of you deciding to pay me a m.
I am quite tired right now. It’s almost midnight. I have spent… my. own veil. I must go to sleep and sublimate the essence.