27 August 2018
I have been a terrible friend lately. I abandoned my old group of friends, essentially. Because I didn’t need people anymore. I’m sociopathic. Or psychopathic. Or empathic. It doesn’t matter. I don’t need people. People are useful. And different people fulfill different roles in ones life. So even though I am quite “extroverted” to the outside observer, only those who really know me know that I’m more introverted. And that introvert doesn’t like people.
So. INTROVERT MODE ENABLED, I have been distant very very (almost invisible, forgotten in the peripherals) distant to my friends. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to abandon them.
ANYWAY. I finally reached out to a friend, it was her birthday on 23rd August. I apologised for being distant, and she said she understood. It was okay. TODAY I thought about telling her some of the drama I was going through. And she told me that her birthday was good but at the moment she was at the hospital tending the grandfather of her husband. So shit, I’m not going to tell her anything. The grandfather of her husband (as well as her own grandfather) are both going to die. Of course they are both going to, and not even 1 then eventually the other. Both of them are going to die very soon of each other. And I can’t distract her from where she needs to be with my petty bullshit.
Everywhere around me, people are dying, or suffering. The old and weak is being stripped away to make room for the new and the strong.
I refuse to suffer and I refuse to die. So we all do what needs to be done. And if I’m going to continue to help the future generations then I can’t do that if I’m fuxking dead, or insane, or impaired.
Jain was telling me more about stuff going on in his work. And I said some stuff to which I think he’s starting to understand more… I don’t remember exactly what I said, and what I do remember is not exactly “for the public to know”, private discussions between man and wife are private! Lol. Anyway, I remember saying “people are predictable”, and… I notice more and more that I speak in ways that make it sound like I’m not “people”, like I’m not “a person”. But I am.
It’s so uncomfortable. People are predictable. Look at history motherfucker. It’s the same shit over and over again. It’s in literature and memory, it’s in art and the stars. Everywhere around us, it’s the same thing. Physical and metaphysical, literal and symbolic. And speaking like this makes me sound crazy and “not-human”.
Maybe I’m not human, then. Maybe I’m meta-human”. Hahaha. Maybe.
I’m looking forward to witnessing the beauty when our galaxies collide.