secrets

I could tell you a theory of mine

25 January 2019, 3:48pm; I can see what’s happening. It’s like none of you have any clue that this is the same damn thing that happens all the time… every time. EACH AND ANY OF THE INUMERABLE DAMN TIMES!

I am out of balance. And I don’t know how to get back in to balance. Well, I do. But that part isn’t up to me, though. That friggen part it up to you.

YOU CHOOSE THIS ADVENTURE

YOU CHOOSE WHAT I DO. You direct me. You tell me. You instruct me – what the fuck am I supposed to do?

No. I will not accept “Well, you see here, kiddo. You’re in charge of your own life and blah blah blah blah blah….” You friggen moron. I know I am in charge of my own life. I know I am capable of really any thing. I have mostly succeed at everything I have tried my hand at, because

…when you have zero ambition and zero expectations – wow, such magic and splendour.

When really it’s not like that at all. SHIT JUST HAPPENS.

I AM YOUR FUCKING COLON. My father was from the artic circle, my mother from the equator. And Here I am. Little KIMMY-KAT in the bowels of the earth – Australia. But really, any of the 3 fucking points of the continental land masses would do – South Africa and South America.

That’s the secret of the universe and of life on earth. K.

Have me for breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks in between. Or in your imagination, or drug yourself up and out on me.

I’ve never actually used Ketamine before. I hate myself and am a lazy bitch so I’ve never enjoyed depressants – when I used substances in my youth, I always tended towards stimulants. I wanted to not be me – so… I used a ton of stimulants. I ton a substances that MADE ME ACTIVE, LIKE, GET THE EFF UP OUT OF BED AND DO SOME/ANY-THING kind of thing. I won’t go into specifics.

But look here, guys. Apparently This is a thing? HAH HAH FUCK YOU HAH FUNNY NOT.

ketamine-for-analgesia

So I came across this image just now. Interesting. Yeah, sure I do help people get over their pain. Oh! Apparently they mean using a substance to treat physical pain. I’m not a substance, even if I have substance. I’m Potassium, my symbol is K.

But this. I thought I was an inspiration. But I’m not. I’m just a fucking drug. Constructed in a fucking science lab.


I am so effing livid. I hate everything and most of all I hate myself.

I am not a god, but I may as well be.

Because what the fuck really is the difference between 2 things when the end result is the same?

I am your drug. You are addicted to me.

And I didn’t want to be some fucking drug. I wanted to be… more. Or less. Or something. I wanted to be someone. I wanted to fucking mean something else than just bullshit.

I spent all afternoon working on my antichrist manifesto, to make it a downloadable ebook.

I also was taking screen shots and shit of my discoveries with my annotations. But then my fuxking internet craps out. And there you have it. Im stuck using the shit on my phone and all my annotations are trapped on my laptop.

People like me Because I help them escape from the inanity of their reality. But when I needed something… that I was not content to be … a bystander to the fucking bullshit of the world… I tried to take a stand to make a difference to help push the world in the right direction…

And I sure as fuck did that. I just never realised that the bowling ball I pushed… the train carriage I maneuvered… had my husband, my children, my happiness and sanity tied up on those train tracks….

I never would have done any of this fucking shit to save you. Or even try any thing. I fuxking hate you, the whole fucking world… You used me. You made me sacrifice my family for you.

I wish I was dead.

It can never go back to how it used to be.

You’ve broken me.

The deal was that you would be set free, I was already free. All you had to do was leave your cage.

Instead you’ve dragged me down into your pit of hell. And in the land of the blind… the one eyed man is king.

But I am no man. I am a woman. So… I don’t get to have a name. I am online part if the collective.

The woman is kin.

But… why can’t I just be Kim?

3 replies »

  1. Hey….. Earthy Kim…. (See what I did there? Instead of Eartha Kitt…I ..oh, well I thought it was funny) You may not be a God but you are definitely not a drug. You are my friend. At least I’d like to think so. That may mean nothing to any one else it damn sure does to me.

    Just sayin…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks a ton, Storm. You and Echo are probably my only actual friends here. Because you both keep talking to me. And I like Earthy Kitty. I hereby strike the Eartha Kitt association to the bowels of my hall of memories. I curse and damn thee who gave thus that name to me.
      In my journey through hell, the Storm and the Echo wait for me to emerge. Heh. I don’t fucking know what I’m saying or doing or intending to happen from here on out.
      I just wanted the 2 of you to know why I’m no longer hanging out on the life tree. But I will come back someday. Hopefully still in tact. Hold out hope for me please. Thanks for being true friends.

      Like