Rerun 025: The want to be free to be all of me

25 August 2018

I want to live a truly authentic life. That is financially viable. And sustainable.

I want all of these different part of me to not be so separate. I want to live in perfect harmony with all of these parts of me… and have them valued. To not have to hide any part of my existence.

I know I’m not just the roles that I play, and I am hyper aware of what is considered appropriate and/or acceptable in context of time, place, and company. By no means do I think going nude to the post office is ok! It’s not! It’s embarrassing and illegal. Lol. And if it wasn’t either of those things, the weather would be a huge indication of whether you should go nude or not. Lol

I want to be adored, revered, helpful, useful, and valuable. I want to continue to do what I do, but I want to do that and more. I want to create – but not create babies. I want to be heard. I have something valuable to share. And I don’t always know what that is. I want to know what influence that particular thingy meant to different people.

I don’t want insincere flattery. I want to really know if anyone got anything valuable from me. Essentially, people should say “thank you” more often. And it shouldn’t be up to strangers to do it. It should be the people we love and are close to. I try to show more gratitude in my life, and I certainly seem to receive it. I but I seem to receive it more from strangers?

It comes down to love language. I express through words and physical contact. My husband sees it through acts of service. Or something. Lol. It’s infuriating. When your strengths are also your weaknesses and you’re supposed to just know when you should keep doing the same thing and when you need to change. And if you don’t need to change, it’s the other person who needs to change, and they get the shits? They don’t see why they should have to change? Because you didn’t see that they were? But… I did see. That’s why I kept thanking you for everything you were doing.

The problem is… I just can’t talk about myself. Out loud. Ever. If I just don’t talk, that’s fine. Everyone is happy. Except me. But that’s ok.

Don’t talk about yourself. You can write about it. But you will always come last to other people. So don’t expect anyone to change. Just keep doing exactly the same thing. Don’t change anything.

But things have to change. Because…

This is fucking going in circles.