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Rerun spesh: Whore and Love

3 October 2018,

I like to live for lust and love. (Lick and kiss and suck and fuck)

WWBD is so complicated. Or rather, it’s the most simplest thing. I tend to just make everything more complicated than it has to be. So to refresh OUR memories…

  • It represents the core principles that I live my whole fucking life by.
  • What I want to be remembered for.
  • A strong, unwavering self belief.

It’s so difficult to separate myself into such distinct little groupings because I don’t fit into any particular box. I’m a glob of ooze that just fills any container you put it in. Pull it apart into separate blobs, put them into 2 containers! Or more! And then smoosh it together again. Or just drape it over the edge and it will separate itself! It’s like magic! SCIENCE!

I know that I have to lead by example, and if this is going to do anything I just have to start off walking in a direction and wondering if anyone is walking beside me as I talk out loud.

I’m going to tell you about one of the most basic, basic things I’ve learned in this life. It’s HUGE. The hardest lesson I’ve ever tried to master is that of moderation. Trying to be moderate in my behaviours and my self. I’m a person of obsessions and extremes, and if left to my own devices I can turn self-destructive.

I don’t feel like shouting or screaming. I feel like whispering right now. The volume of my voice is an indication of how I feel at the time. And this post is all about expressing gratitude, and I intend to do that. But what’s kind of weird is that I feel moved to thank… my ex-lovers. So, you know how awkward that has gotta be. You know, considering I’m married and everything. But at the same time, I shouldn’t have to feel weird about it.

Everything I know about LOVE is because I know what it’s like to love, and also be loved. And I’ve got absolutely zero fear of having my heart-broken. Because it’s never been broken. Or rather, once it was. I think. Maybe? I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. I want to talk about my other most significant significant-others (my hubby takes rank #1 out of all my “significant-others“).

Totally plagued with all the daddy issues, I sought for love in all the (right & wrong) places. Life is just a series of so many experiences, and I think of people as experiences. I just wanted to experience all of them. And experiences are fleeting, so temporal. I was a total player.

I was a total geek in year 7 but I was a good story teller. I told a dirty (anecdotal) joke to a guy in my class, I delivered it in such a way I gave him an erection. Turning 13 totally upped the ante. As a female we mature at a pretty gradual and consistent rate, so I didn’t realise how much I had changed or grown until I was already pretty comfortable in my power.

When I was 13 I upgraded my V-card to a W-card. Note I didn’t say I “lost it”. Nope. I upgraded. See I got myself a special little card that was double sided. I could flip and on one side it could clearly be seen that I was a Virgin. I was a very good girl. Anyone sly enough to catch a glimpse of the underside of my virginal credential I could easily smooth talk my way through it.

“Nah baby, that’s just 2 V’s. Because I’m a double-V. Extra virgin.”

As I reflect back on specific stuff that I did, I get what my motivations were at the time and I know that I’m different now. I wouldn’t do the same things that I did back then. But I was a teenager who didn’t second guess herself, I didn’t have anyone to tell me what I could and couldn’t do! I had a really “free-range” upbringing. Instead I had a whole bunch of “if only you were more like…”, “why didn’t you….”, “i wish you were….”

The only thing I knew about love was from what I saw of my parents. My dad loved my mum, and my mum broke after he died. She would talk to me about all her regrets and what she wish she had done differently. She swore she wouldn’t save things for some indeterminate “special occasion” any more, she would enjoy all the good things while they still lasted.

I choose to live without regrets. I don’t hold on to my shitty embarrassments or grievances. Once they’ve been aired then they’re gone. I am happy and blissfully free. I don’t want to look back on my time and think of all the shit I didn’t do. Looking back now I think I might have maybe done too much… eek.

I want to know, do you have any regrets about any of your relationships?

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