22 August 2018
I think too much, too hard, about everything. All the time. I am constantly thinking about my existence along with everyone’s existence, but not independently. It is rather that I change and constantly reinvent myself and my behaviour in my head in a way that allows me to fit with other people. And I give great advice. Without always knowing that I’m doing it.
I absolutely hate lying. Deception – I can’t stand it. It’s okay to be ignorant as you can’t help what you don’t know. What anyone is supposed to do about what they don’t know about when they don’t know they don’t know about it… like dude. Wtf.
But once it’s brought to light, what do they do about it then? I dunno. It depends on what do they want to do about it, what are they willing to do, how much effort will it cost on their part?
I am at my very essential core just “Me”. I just exist. But existence is not the same as “life,” and existence and life are not the same thing although they can be used interchangeably dependent upon one’s level of understanding. This shit that I “do”… I philosophize. I love to learn and study everything.
Everything is so Meta.
I love to read about the history and evolution of communication and how ideas are communicated because I’m good at it. I’m not going to be alive forever, and if I am special there’s… omg… I dunno. It’s doing my head in.
The metaphysical implications, complications, and manifestations. I’ve come to see the truth about heaps of stuff. It’s always been about “the heart” or “the soul” or “the truth” about something. What are people really asking, what do they really mean, and what are they really saying? People will always hear whatever they want and you can’t give them what they want if they can’t accept it.
I get how people work, and they often are not honest with themselves. I try to answer questions as directly related to the question because I don’t want to be seen as exerting any ulterior motive. It’s not my problem you aren’t happy with something, but I could help you come to terms and understand it, if you want. My studies about my life and society – I “get it”, why we are here and why we are going through all of this. I don’t know how special this shit makes me…
However, it’s not my life to sacrifice, but I must sacrifice part of myself. I would rather kill the foetus so I can life my potential life. Yet I don’t kill anything actually alive, and foetuses are just cells, but they have the potential to house a soul… If I kill that thing, then am I dooming my children to deal with that kind of karma? Like WTF.
I’m tired of always putting myself last, but everyone around me says that I have never put myself last. I am hyper aware of my involvement with people’s lives and what I stand to gain or lose from them, but awareness of the self, doesn’t make me selfish… does it? Do I really have to limit myself to being “the mum” for fucking ever? In every dimension, timeline, reality, aspect.
I know after my birthday (15 November), everything will cool then the world can get back to business. Remember: the world isn’t me, it just deals with the collective. I’m part of the collective, but I’m also just me. The timing of all the bullshit in the world just fits so snugly with the bullshit of my inner world… fucking perfect timing…
November 18 was my deadline; the “it’s too late to do anything about it now. It’s done” deadline I put on myself based on the Neptune aspect with Jupiter through Scorpio. I thought that was for my blog and shit. But the pregnancy has to be dealt with by early October.
Categories: The Real Deal