When the joy breaks before the drop


You know it kills me, the thought. I want to scream, I want to cry, just to save myself just one last time. And all the days you pushed around, and all the times you lied to yourself, and all the dreams we had just might BREAK down…

17 January 2019, 7:25pm; I remember being obsessed with this band when I was in high school. There was actually one time (I remember right now) when I was able to choose a song to sing for some occasion or something, and I really wanted to sing this song or Cocoon. Mrs Van Gent said it’d probably be better if I sang something happier. I don’t remember what we ended up going with – or even if I ended up singing anything for the thingy – but I just remember that. That’s kind of where the memory stops, for me.

There are 2 things that spring to mind right now actually upon this reflection…

  1. As a teacher I totally get it why she said that. I mean, it’s something I would say too. Kids do pick a ton of depressing songs to perform, and if they’re not depressing then they are slow and sad. I understand it is an outlet for self expression so when I’ve helped coordinate stuff at school, it’s been an influencing factor in the run order as well as if when/where the kids would perform (I’m specially talking about the special assembly and extended lunch that my school does for Harmony Day).
    • Side note on this particular thought train carriage… That’s why the staff band and I made sure to perform really “upbeat” songs. I sang Love Song by Sara Bareilles, and we were going to also do One Way or Another by Blondie if we didn’t have many student performances.  Fuck, I miss being part of the music. That was legit the highlight of last year for me. LOL. There were other good parts, but that was for me definitely the stand out.
  2. OKAY! AND THE SECOND THOUGHT (before I totally run this train way off the tracks) is in relation to the concept of MEMORY. There are things that we remember, these little ‘clips’ that are triggered in out brains by some sense… And I don’t know if this is the same for everyone (or anyone, really.. but I’d still like to know actually), but for me? My ‘triggered clip’ does appear to have clear cut off point. Like a roll of film that has been snipped, rather than any ‘fade out to hazy’.

I’ve been pondering what the heck am I trying to achieve? AGAIN. Like always, I guess. LOL. Because I want to be able to do it all, I guess. Do the fun shit, like we used to do at school. That’s part of the reason I really love my job. I can just be like “fuck it!” and have a laugh while low-key living vicariously through my students. HAHA. It’s fun to show cool, new and interesting things. Learn how to do something new, or refine something known.

But alas, I don’t actually have any contractual employment lined up so far and school starts again at the end of the month. *shrugs* I know I could be actively seeking employment elsewhere, but I don’t want to be anywhere else. Because if I’m not at that school, it’s really only HERE ONLINE where I’d rather be. Have my words valued and ideally have my work work for me.

I’m thinking of maybe making a podcast that was basically some thing that was my kind of educational, whimsical and bullshit all rolled into one. A LA GOD HIMSELF, JOHN SAFRAN’S MUSICAL JAMBOREE (ep 1, or here is episode 5 as an additional example)!

But actually his campaign against god was always my favourite effing thing ever. Does anyone else remember these shows?! Hahaha. It was pure gold. And awesome.

I guess I’m just more of a pantomime girl than a pantene girl. My hair is not as good as Beccy’s, you know, according to Beyonce and shit.


So I hand the stage mic over to you, dear readers. Open mic night tonight at the end of my post! In case you forgot, I did have a couple of questions you could answer, if you choose to comment (please, do)

  • Does anyone’s memories cut off after you’ve ‘remembered the memory’ scene thing?
  • Is my current epiphany of a possible project projection worth pursuing or attempting?
  • Is anyone else familiar with John Safran’s work? Surely my fellow Australians remember him. Hopefully. LOL I swear I couldn’t have been the only one. I’m pretty sure I remember my group of friends thought his self vs God thing was hilarious.

See? My interests are still the same (music, orderly anarchy, pop culture, religion, education, satire and spirituality). Just… the execution is where I struggle the most. I NEED AN ADULT! To help guide me, friggen remind me of some shit before I get all distracted but another shiny thing and chase that down another metal pipework or channel. lol



Categories: mkTV network, The Real Deal

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

2 replies

  1. If you start a project you have to keep going, no matter how difficult it gets, and how discouraged you might become. Just keep on working, each and every day. 💖💖💖

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Jack! But I’m just so finite and I need for projects to start if I am to continue them. And because I’m someone who DEPENDS upon interaction and cooperative efforts with other people, I am basically shit all on my own. LOL


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