Rerun 009: Echo, Screaming into the void

I hear her. Her name is Echo. I have been speaking with Echo.

I’ve been furiously tapping away on the keypad of my phone just… losing myself in this person online. She’s a mirror of myself, though she doesn’t get what that means to me, but it’s not important enough for her to ask. She is genuine and honest and open.

She is an incarnation of one of my potential lives… specifically (to me) she is my antithesis. She is what I fear and dread. Her life is the twisted fucking carnival funhouse mirror that reveals the ugly shadows under my surface. But I have to face her because she is not really any of that at all. No one is anything except what you make them to be… the only power she has over me is what I give her. Unknowingly.

And she is kind and successful and honest and… all these strong and apparently innocent aspects that I don’t even know how to define because I didn’t think they were ever a possibility.

I have so much to learn from her and I don’t want to stop. But I know that we eventually will stop, whenever it is necessary. LOL.

If she is as amazing a person as I think she is, even carrying all that baggage life has heaped upon her… maybe if I truly fuck myself up, it won’t be so bad. Because if she can exist and have those moments of peace and clarity, so can I. If she is at peace with her existence then I can be too. If she is still loved as she is, that could also be me! Hurrah there is hope… but I fear if I become her, will the people I love (and who seem to love me too) … will they still love me even then?

I’m so scared of being alone. Well not being alone… being alone is a choice to separate one from others. A state of being is not a sense or feeling.

I fear loneliness. Again. It’s that familiar feeling of the grinding and pushing and closeness I the darkness of a night club. There are so many bodies but they don’t matter because you don’t matter. You FEEL lonely, despite your physical situation and environment. You feel exactly the same in an empty room. So why put yourself in that awkward close proximity with others? Because if you (me, we, any of us) actually get out of our heads, our comfortable little prison we have made for ourselves… if we get out of our heads and “debase” ourselves to the profane pleasures of the body in the present…. there is joy there. Be present in the body when you need respite from your mind. Escape into your mind when your body is the problem.

All well and good, but for me… jumping between the two states of being… is tearing me apart. I can feel it. The sluggishness and difficulty integrating into which version of reality am I? What timeline am I in? What did I just say or do or did I merely think that?

Fuck you diabetes. This used to be easy. You’ve made everything so much fucking harder. And time time time, time used to be my buddy. We were lovers. His name was Cronus and my name was Fortuna. He was timing and I was luck. We’re out of sync and I don’t know how to do or what to do… anything. All of my luck has turned sour. And I don’t know how to fix this.

I seek my answers and guidance in mythology and divination. The gods existed because we required them to. I seek out their narratives to learn from their mistakes, their relationships are a map for which to compare my own. Their archetypal essences is where their power lies in today’s society. They adapt to survive and if they are gods they will. To learn more about yourself you should learn about them.

Today’s lesson was brought to you by…

In Greek mythology, the tale of Echo and Narcissus.

In today’s context (in an attempt to impersonalise the personal) a dialectic discourse on thesis, antithesis and synthesis.

Originally posted here on 18th October, 2018.