I’m not angry or resentful about this. I have accepted it and it’s meaning to me will essentially be different to you (I mean, come on, it’s “my power” and “my definition” of that power and WTF even is ‘power’, etc). It’s all good, that is beside the point.
I’m the quintessential “mother”, the “yin”, the “even” numbers, the “unseen”, the “indirect”, the “subtle” forces, the “hardest forms”.
I am no one and have nothing and do nothing without another. Because without a point of reference or perspective, what the fuck is the point of being able to “see” or “know”. Knowledge without a comparative basis is not really knowledge, it’s just more of the same thing. Being able to see with your eyes but paradoxically have nothing to look at it again, bullshit. Cool, so that “knowledge” or “self-awareness” is the essence of godhood. Call it what you will: neutrality, the monad, the one, the all, everything, nothing, light, dark, beginning, end, eternity.
Sure, anyone can do that and play with thought experiments and frolic in the safe and secure inner meadows of hypothesis. We can be gods or heroes or whatever the fuck we want IN OUR OWN HEADS.
The dilemma I am experiencing, what I struggle with (fucking always the same shit, ugh, it is so damn tiresome)… I can “see” the power I have over others, and how that gift/power manifests… Nothing essentially happens on this blog because I AM THE QUINTESSENTIAL YIN/FEMININE/PASSIVE/RECEPTIVE, le sigh. Nothing happens on the blog because I have no idea what to do with this blog. What I do is I connect with people. I talk to them. I can see the comments and conversations and the power and the changes and the manifestations and the whatever whatevers. The location of these conversations is secondary to the necessity that they take place. They take place because it is necessary for the nourishment and development of their spirit, sense of self-worth and understanding, and GROWTH.
That’s me doing what I do. I like what I do, I tend to do it regardless of how I feel or think about it, I’m good at what I do. And because so much of what I do. But knowledge and understanding the seeing *why* isn’t really the issue.
My real issue is how this has and continues to fuck up my physical health.
All the shitty choices and made and inflicted upon myself… In the heat of the moment, and with the scope of awareness, and with the limited knowledge and power and resources available to you only in the present, at the present time and place… We all do dumb shit in our youth and that’s why youth is wasted on the young. LOL.
I didn’t know where my “energy” or “vitality” came from, I didn’t understand a bunch of stuff about myself. But my childhood learning experiences (beginning at home, and my relationship with my mother, and gradually extending out into my relationships and interactions with people in general) taught me that I was different, being that anything different must get pushed aside to be evaluated at a more convenient time. I am getting emotional right now and it makes this hard to figure out what I want to say, what I need to say and what I am willing to reveal.
My internal sense of self-worth, the essential framework for all evaluative processes, and in turn the terms of which I have built my values and self-worth. I’m as valuable as others deem me to be. It doesn’t matter how aware I am or the other person is… During childhood development, I missed that lesson where a child is validated and valued for themselves, just as they are.
My problems in my adult life can be traced back to my lack of self-discipline, and the lack of consistent and loving discipline as a child. Yes it can totally be interpreted as psychosexual if you were that way inclined, and I do see the correlation in my life (and thus understand the validity of the argument), but it doesn’t have to be interpreted by that one measure alone.
I have brilliant cognitive function, reason and intellect are my bitches. I am also highly intuitive. All signs point to “yeah bitch, you are a powerful arse psychic” (wildly gesticulating with fancy spirit fingers adds to the drama), but thanks to my childhood conditioning, IF I really do possess any sort of thing that might be seen as “psychic”…. Like, I have no idea. I don’t like saying psychic because that can’t be qualified or quantified in any discreet terms. It is hard to define so I don’t know what else to say. I guess, if I did (or DO) possess any preternatural abilities, I know that I would be an unstoppable force upon the universe. Magic is made when the will, the body and the spirit align with unity of focus towards a single goal. It was necessary for me to experience life as I have for it has granted me humility first, my necessary foundation on which I have built my understanding of strength and wisdom.
How does this relate to my physical health? I am a type 1 diabetic, formally (finally?) diagnosed in April 2017, age 30. I kept sucking energy out of myself, directing wherever …..
God, man, masculine, yang, direct, active, strength of force, lack of form. Blah and blah etc.
I have taken too long and must stop lest I kill myself. I am too raw, too long, and too much.
Originally posted 17 August, 2018.