Back off, we all need some head room

I want to give you what you need. You need some space to breathe. You were the one who gave me what I needed when I didn’t know what was best for me. I didn’t know your plans for me, I didn’t know then your intentions. Please trust me that this is not some flippant dismissive decision. I don’t know how else to show you that I love you, and I would do anything for you. I would lay down my life for you. I will not leave you. I’m here because I want to be. You told me not to leave here. So I’m here. And I’m also here… My mind is split in two. One hemisphere straddles the digital, and the other one is rooted to the physical. Hit me with your best shot, I lie in your wake. I love you. I fight for you, and this is the only way I know how.

my poem with no title…

you gave me the will
to just let go and fly
but you also gave me the knife
that cut off my wings to die.

. f . a . l . l . i . n . g .

i grab for your arm
pull me up to be safe
but again you let me go
my death i shall face.

. d . y . i . n . g .

the time has come
and i close my eyes
and as i fall
i dream i’m in flight.

. d . r . e . a . m . i . n . g .

soaring through the skies
i’m way above you
although i may be dead
i’m still haunting you.


10 January 2019, 11:05pm; I have been scouring my old journals, digital documents and online notes searching for something I think I remember I said..? I don’t know. But it doesn’t matter what I said, or what I wrote, or when whatever was said and with whom whatever was done.

I realise that this only makes sense if you are familiar with the sentiment. But it will not make any sense if you are unfamiliar with the cognitive confusion brought on by emotional distress. This mental “free fall” if left to continue to spiral indefinitely is probably most likely what leads to dissociative personality disordered behaviour and thinking.

I have been reading my sweet bitter words from the beginning in July 2001. I don’t remember the pain but I recognise the sentiment. SUCH NAMES THAT ARE COMMON AND REPEATED FAR TOO OFTEN! But with such common names it affords those people anonymity.

Almost 18 years later I barely even remember the individuals I was talking about or referring to, but it’s funny how people with particular names continue to play those particular roles and influences on one’s life.

JK Rowling for Columbine. Rise against the rest, we’re a pair of bakers and this is our bread. Your uncle is a master of this. Giants grind bones, but who bakes the bread? Your Uncle D.

10 January 2019, 11:43pm. pushit.

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