2 January 2019, 7:39pm; Let it be known that from here on out, I’m going to be SCHEDULING MY OLD BLOG POSTS for republishing.
- This is to remind myself of the stuff that I used to write about.
- It forces me to reread my words and actually edit and refine my writing. Because I don’t actually go back and edit stuff… even though that is bad practice… I should be more cautious and aware of the stuff I am spouting.
- My intention is to also conjure interest to my patreon. That this stuff… is my old stuff, and if you are interested in new stuff? Pay me, maybe?
- That’s not to say that I won’t be writing stuff on here still. OF COURSE I’LL STILL WRITE STUFF HERE. I’m just trying to capitalise my… self..?
- If I’m going to attempt to muster any semblance of self respect, then I have to ensure that the stuff I publish is… purified.
- I must obfuscate identities, landmarks, timelines, names, characteristics and regular associates and associations… To protect people from the internet bullshit, and also to protect me from people on and offline. I have been far too open and honest about myself.
Re-view my posts OG 1&2
11 August 2018 – My first ever post
12 August 2018 – Setting the intention
Self retrospection on this topic is for naught. The intention of this blog is to unite the will of my inner self (me as a deity, or perhaps the magician within me if “deity” is too loaded a word for you to feel comfortable) with the will of the outer self (me as who I am as perceived by others).
This has been so hard to do, as I was able to master so many things under the proviso that I negate my inner truth. June 2018 I finally “awakened”, I didn’t have to “be dead on the inside” and that part of me could… actually experience the outside world, instead of just watching/wishing/thinking/hoping through the window panes of my eyes.
When there is a will, there is a way.
Indeed this is true. Yet I challenge you to act upon that will when there is no apparent course for direction. I have the will, but do not know the way.
I am not just myself on my own, I am also responsible for many things as I am quite indispensable… Because I’m a mother fucking genius – a jack of all trades, if you will. I am unable to take the necessary time to work the magic, raise and control the required universal energies necessary. There must be a goal, in order to determine it’s ultimate success. It is towards this goal that we will “see the way”.
My ultimate desire, I think, as is true so far, is to continue along this path in life without sacrificing the relationships, success, gifts, abilities, career, or any other luxury. I want to be the best that I can possibly be (my complete whole, all versions of myself united), but not at the cost of others. I do not wish to do any harm.
- I am Persephone, Aphrodite, Athena, Hecate, Lilith, Kali.
- I am goddess, primordial, olympian, daemonic, muse.
- I am also the physical body of.. *me*.
- I am all of these things limited in a 3 dimensional way.
It has been a difficult journey to not only recognise this within myself but to also destroy the destroyer within. In doing so as a child, in my youth, I do not know the true depth of what I had done. I am awake and aware. I am responsible for others, and must take that into account. I want to heal myself, and be the whole of myself, but not at the cost of what I do (potential and actual) for others. I will not make more sacrifices as I have sacrificed enough.
I must learn to let others take responsibility for their own actions. I am not Jesus. Fuck that guy. I lived that life, and it is not my path in the right here and right now.
Who/what is standing in my way preventing me from continuing? Mars. I don’t know if that is an aspect of myself that I must integrate, if that is an aspect of my physical body (health, vitality), or if that is not from anything to do with “me” and instead is an external force (someone else’s will, mind, body, collective, coincidence, fate).
I don’t remember how I got here, I don’t always remember who I am and “who I am playing”. I am essentially me. I am who I am as I am and because of who I am. Motherfucking roundabout. I am the ouroboros, but it’s not just me. My partner is my twin flame/soul mate/whatever. My partner, my husband, is my other half in everything. My complimentary counterpart, my shadow and my light. To acknowledge me is to acknowledge him in me. I am more than the ouroboros; I am (because we are) the double ouroboros.
It’s these affirmations that help ground me, or centre me. I have to take this path of suffering alone because I never had a teacher.
Walking the path alone has its benefits but also its drawbacks. I want a teacher and have learned that whomever that teacher is won’t really matter because in others is not where my faith really lies. It would have been so much easier and better to not do this alone, to have faith in someone else. Isn’t it so fucking easy when you can put faith in the divine? BUT TO GROW UP KNOWING YOU ARE THE DIVINE BUT YOU WILL ALWAYS BE ALONE, whatever lesson I learn now will be but lip service. It will not truly be understood until I again suffer… alone.
I wish I started this path with a coven or some shamanic guide. Or any fucking thing or person. Then I could absolve myself of responsibility and blame, sort of learn the lesson but only just enough. The path of the teacher is to TEACH, TO GUIDE, to inform, to help and also to let go.
I do this for others. I have always done for others. I have a masters degree in education, I teach secondary high school, I want the future to know they are going to be okay.
I am the bridge. I am the guide. Experience is the real test of knowledge and capability.
If I can be all of me, and that it’s okay to be me… I am beyond words. It’s what I’ve always wanted. But that inner me is childish, selfish, jealous, tired and lonely. This would be so much easier healing my inner child if I didn’t have to do it alone. But alas, I must. I am a single parent to my inner child. I must heal myself first to facilitate healing in others.
- Why am I like this? Because I was born this way.
- Why did I have to be like this? Because it was and is still necessary.
- Why “know” anything if I can’t do anything about it? Because I have to learn to trust… both myself, and others.
I only ever learn in crisis mode, and the fastest way to learn is to just motherfucking jump right on in. I will either sink or swim. If it is meant to be then it will be. I know I am invincible, impervious to the limitations of death. However any divine protection imbued upon myself will only last until my purpose in life has been achieved.
How will I know this is the right thing? I don’t.
I don’t know anything, really. I don’t know what I don’t know, and I don’t know what I do know. As contrary and unnecessarily complex as that sounds, it is the most simple and true statement of truth.
I won’t ever know unless I try, and I won’t know the boundaries and limitations of existence and my powers within this realm (and even my own im/mortality) unless I truly UNEQUIVOCALLY just jump, without question, without looking, without knowledge or trust…
I have jumped into the great unknown and don’t know where I am or where I’ll end up. I only know my sense of self. But I also know that what I have now is transitory and will not always be with me.
When/if I gain insight/perspective/understanding on whatever lesson I am learning… how much will still be me?
- How will I recognise myself? I don’t know.
- Will I even like myself? I don’t know.
- Will I still believe these sentences I identify as “essential truths”? I don’t know.
I’m scared that my pillars of truths are really lies. But I can’t question mid-jump because there is no… perspective. Yet.
I have to wait. November 18. My own deadline.