STAIND – OUTSIDE
And you can bring me to my knees again / All the times That I could beg you please, In vain / All the times That I felt insecure For you / And I leave My burdens at the door / But I’m on the outside / I’m looking in / I can see through you / See your true colors / ‘Cause inside you’re ugly / You’re ugly like me / I can see through you / See to the real you / All the times / That I felt like this won’t end / It’s for you / And I taste / What I could never have / It was from you / All those times / That I cry my intentions / full of pride / But I waste / More time than anyone / All the times / That I’ve cried / All that’s wasted / It’s all inside / And I feel all this pain / Stuffed it down / It’s back again / And I lie / Here in bed / All alone / I can’t mend / But I feel tomorrow will be okay
5 January 2018, 10:30pm; pang of nostalgia had me searching through a box to find a particular photograph of my old CCC crew. Yup, back in the day I was one of Richie’s 3 angels, and we rode around in his Mitsubishi Lancer like we were king shit hot. We had a hand signal (‘C’ like for cookie, good enough for me!), and we had our own nicknames for each other. ‘Code names’ with sneaky greetings and sayings.
Of course we weren’t sneaky at all. It was 2000 or 2001, Firefly hadn’t even been released yet but we were already using Mandarin as our ‘secret language’ LOL. Ni hao and dou ma and whatever, I don’t know. I was like 14 or something.
I found a scrap of a page from one of my old quote books. This is a quote from one of my damn favourite books ever. ‘Wasted’ opened my eyes to the genre of creative non-fiction. THAT’S THE THINGY THAT HAS INFLUENCED MY STYLE. Because I was never imaginative enough to come up with awesome scenes and ideas that weren’t rooted in personal experience for me…
I still remember THE STORY.
That story. We began writing it in 1998, and we’d tell each other scenes and narrate parts of the narrative back and forth in the dark, in my bed. We were just a couple of sad and lonely girls, best friends, having sleep-overs.
And it started off as what is now called ‘fan-fiction’. Before we even knew that fan fiction ever existed.
It started off with a dream I had. And it evolved into something so much bigger than I could ever imagine. It became the best effing story ever told.
It started off with a… rape. Dream. It was a dream I had about a guy friend being so obsessed with me that he violated me. Which is… fucking weird. Like, I am what’s wrong with the world, romanticising rape at the precious age of 11?
But in the dream, you and he were brothers, and you loved him. I loved him too, but… not in the same way that he apparently loved me.
And holy shit that story took on a life of it’s own.
I was in love with AJ. You and B were together. Kenton and Howzat were the side saddle bags who were part of the group. And Nick. Geez, what the fuck was wrong with him?! Apparently undiagnosed paranoid schizophrenia.
We wanted to save him.
Nick almost killed AJ . Had him suspended upside down from something. And the blood was rushing to AJ’s head. I don’t remember how we got him down, what happened. But…
It wasn’t always such dramatic buffoonery. There was fun times hanging out when we were all still normal, before Nick’s psychotic break.
This was folded up in the box, too.
It’s 10:59pm right now. And… I want to remind myself AND YOU, everyone of you… my readership. People who… visit my blog, even if you don’t click ‘like’ or comment anything….
I am the voice for the voiceless. I am the voice for the underdog. I am the voice for the forgotten and under represented.
Because I know what it is like to have one’s voice forcibly silenced, surgically removed, heartlessly ignored…
I am the rebel with a fucking voice. And I won’t be silenced. I can’t be silenced really. Unless I die before you wake. Death is the only thing that can shut this banshee up. And I’m married to Hades. So…? I know I have his blessing to keep on fucking going.
I am Queen of the Underworld, Kore transformed to Persephone.
Stragen gave me the galaxy in 2002. He was the General of my witch elf army. I was the dark elf Sorceress Alita. We bathed in the blood of my enemies. A violent, sexy hot tub of… intimate… unspoken… deeds…
I can hear Loki crying outside my door. I better post this.