The Real Deal

I may have jumped the gun

21 December 2018, 1:42 am; I am volatile. It is helpful (When doing simulations or scientific experiments) to record the state of combustion, but before it is time to mark the conclusion, also ensure all evaluations and observations are accounted for.

With my scientific lab partner, we discussed the findings of this latest experience and I have been informed of something that I didn’t know.. until just now. Or rather, a couple of hours ago…

A very long time ago (in my blog. I think it’s private now…) I wrote about trying to heal my empty Leo sign in my natal 4th house… And I believed Sara was one potential key to that.

I was reminded of the last time I ever saw her. Which honestly I didn’t remember. But.. there are a lot of things I don’t remember.


21st December 2018, 5:16 am; what have I done? FFS, I have done too fucking much. It is far easier to list what I have NOT done.

  • I haven’t done any planning for the new year. There has been ZERO HEADWAY in my Spirit Keeper’s Tarot because… all of this crap that I have been doing on the internet.
  • I have completely neglected taking care of my physical body, and my physical relationships. Due to reasons I am tired of repeating on here.
  • I never read nor replied to Alien Poet’s article on the nature of soul mates.
  • I am all around garbage at keeping my life together. But I am fantastic at helping other people sort through their own shit.

I am far too long winded and blah blah blah, that I never really get to the point at all. So… here are my intentions and whatever. Things that I am trying to cultivate…

  • I know my strengths, and my weaknesses. I need to get a controlled grip on my weaknesses.
  • I deleted my joker and his slut wordpress thingy, But I have just realised now that holy shit.. I may have had some poems and/or imagery I wanted to use for stuff.
    • The mortal portal will be the next to get the axe. I will backup my crap and then snippy choppy. goneskies.
    • All keys must be handed in to the concierge desk. check out times may vary depending on the hotel or motel you may be sleeping at.
  • Don’t delete me from your memories. Nor should you delete any art I may have inspired. Please retain them on your whatevers somewhere. LOL
  • I am disbanding the band. No more hiccup, merida nor jack frost. Sad to say I will have to also leave the face and name of Rapunzel behind. I have to absorb all their avatars and be a single entity (legit, I know I’m a single human being, but I cannot rely on other people to do this job for me.. I need to make this shit for myself.)
    • No more TEAM in my own big 4 band. It is all about MEAT. Where it’s all about ME and I am the Tortured Artist, well school in the art of torture.
    • LOL I AM META … again… fucking meta. You bet your sweet fucking ass I am.
    • Anyway. WHo knows what the future holds, but I am still planning to go all English Teacher (trained, not nationality) and assassinate or articulate with the artists… about their muse and or creative process. As per a particular thesis I began with. For funsies.

The time now is 5:41pm. I better get on with it. So much to do, so much I want to achieve, or try to achieve….

My husband reminded me of the last time I actually physically interacted with Sara. He does not like her for reasons. Apparently the last time we all hung out, she was dating a guy named Chris (omg, another fucking Christ… LOL, ffs). Apparently I had walked off in not great spirits, I was apparently pissy. I don’t remember what we disagreed about at all… this was in 2005. But J told me that she said something behind my back (literally, he said I was walking out the door)…

She said something about “at least I’m not a baby killer” or something like that. Maybe “at least I didn’t kill a baby”..?

Huh. Shit. That means it must have been 2006..? Because my first ever pregnancy (shit, even pregnancy SCARE) happened in November/December of 2005. I was married in November 2006.

I’ve been pregnant a total of 4 times, all by the same man. The first and the last were unplanned and I terminated them both. Because I don’t agree in bringing a life into the world that you’re not willing to look after. My 2nd and 3rd pregnancies were planned, they are my girl and boy.

 

Timeline… Babies and Work.

2005 – surgical termination. basically a vauum sucked the thing out of me.

2006 – got married.

2007 – tafe, finished with score of 87 (tpc grading 261/300).

2008 – started university (bachelor of arts, pathway to teach). Lady is born

2011 – Xman is born

2013 – started postgraduate degree (master of teaching secondary).

2015 – started working.

2018 – medical termination. took a pill.

So…. yeah. I totally am a baby killer. I killed 2 babies. Because they were foetuses in my belly. Just cells. And I didn’t feel obliged to carry them to term. Because why should I? Because “all life is precious”… Well what about my life? No, that’s not precious at all. That’s why I’m such a bad influence and have such a shitty reputation. Thus why I am the scum of the earth.

That really truly breaks my hart actually… I am so very toxic that I make people say and do things that they normally wouldn’t do…

Shit.

See?

This is why I’m so fucked up. I… have been fucking things up since 1999…. The year my dad and my 2 other uncles passed away. That’s a totally of 4 dead blood related UNCLES who are all brothers… the 3 remaining uncles died that year. ANd… I dunno… shit just hasn’t ever been the same since.

12th January 1999 – my parent’s 19th wedding anniversary. the date my father died. 2 weeks or so before I was to start high school.

I know of a campaign referring to a hexbeast, lol. I am the hexbeast. I mean.. why not. LOL I am running my own campaign of bullshit (no players or dungeons, I am the playmaster). which is basically my cult.  my cult of kim. because it’s fun to fuck with people’s heads. spread the word of discord and dissent, hail the conquering heroes! (I’m totally Aladdin’s GENIE OF THE LAMP! when he does that 1 man band thingy lol)

LOL AND IF I AM THE HEXBEAST AND THE WHORE OF BABYLON, I TOTALLY WOULD BE RIDING MYSELF INTO BATTLE WTF HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

5 replies »

  1. Nuclear obliteration is very rarely the answer. Small, surgical strikes usually the key. Do not let a moment pass without knowing that I think you are precisely who you need to be at this point in life. I have been both fool and jester in the game of love. I’ve cheated more than I care to admit and been cheated the same if not more. All can be worked through if parties are agreed to do so.

    As per the “babykiller” comment. Whatever ones personal belief on that it is altogether just as bad to whisper and sneer behind someones back.

    In the end know you are loved and even if our friendship ends as is today my life is altogether better for having known you.

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    • I 100% feel so moved by your words. I want you to know how much I appreciate you, especially in times like this. I thought I needed Leo’s to help me.. But I have found Scorpios and Aquarians to be the most… mutually beneficent to me and my crazy campaign. I think maybe nostalgia got the better of me… It makes me very sad to say that it may be for the best to leave sleeping dogs lie. And to stop trying to dug up old graves… People leave old identities and stuff behind for a reason… that they do not wish to be followed.

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    • Yeah that’s my life dude! I say shit all the time and it makes people uncomfortable and I don’t know how to be any other way.
      I’ve not been tactful nor supine in my relatively short tenure on WordPress. I’ve been here for more than 4 months now. And.. I have drawn attention from all sorts of corners and I dunno..??

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