The Real Deal

allb4K: The first or last of my series

20 December 2018, 7:32 pm – Let us establish some dot points to bring you up to speed with whatever this thing is that I’m doing on the blogosphere.

  • I thought I was being honest. Turns out I am a liar. Because I can only be truthful in one direction – truthful about myself. And in doing so, that has caused the people around me to see myself as a manipulator, as a liar, and thereby PLACING JUDGEMENT ON OTHER PEOPLE AROUND ME. Because by judging me, they are judging each other. Especially my husband.
  • I am surprised people don’t know “who they are” because I am the only person who knows who I am. You are all the only people who know yourselves, too.
  • I cause more harm than good. I AM THE FUCKING BAD GUY, NOT MY HUSBAND
  • HE NEEDD TO GET THAT THROUGH HIS FUCKING SKULL. AND SO DO ALL OF YOU. I AM THE FUCKING VILLAIN OF LIFE. GET THE FUCK OVER IT, ACCEPT IT AND MOVE THE FUCK  ON.

I Am  a fucking monster of a rage machine. Or any emotional machine. I am fuelled by anger and rage and hatred and disappointment. ALL OF THE FUCKING TIME. I hate myself. Why? Because OUT OF ALL THE PROBLEMS IN MY LIFE, I AM THE SOLE PROPRIETOR OF MY OWN PROBLEMS AND BULLSHIT. No one makes me feel anything or think anything or do anything unless I give them my permission – whether or not I tell them outright or not.

SO I don’t know if this will be the last in a bunch of whatever the fuck. I don’t know. I don’t know what I am doing. But here I am doing I whatever the fuck that it is. And you will get whatever it is that you get from my bullshit PRETTY WORDS OR ENCHANTING ILLUSION that I create when I fucking just…. twirl and spin and try to navigate the bullshit emotional storm that I have brewed in my own head. The reason it is out in the public is that I do not do anything unless it serves a purpose…

  • I don’t write anything down unless someone is going to read it – including myself. SO I write a bunch of lists and stuff all the time.
  • If someone is to read it, I would like to know they read it and we can discuss it further.
  • I encourage questions because I don’t know how to explain something if I didn’t know it was misunderstood.
  • This series may be the wrong time to start doing all of that because I am making HARD CUT LINES AND DECISIONS THAT ARE TO BE FINAL
    • Really, am I even going to continue to blog at all. Because I am shutting down my private blogs.
    • The only private blog I have deleted so far has been the Joker’s Sluts. Which was essentially a tiny version of Camelot consisting of people I had chosen to be Knights of the Round Table.

context. no one cares about context. they only care about the text.

do not ever explain, elaborate, elucidate, provide examples, cite sources. my problem is that I don’t understand and I try to understand. I try to see where other people are coming from. But that is not normal. That is the problem. My problem. I should not try to understand other people. No one wants to understand others, and they don’t want to be understood either because that means they have to face things about themselves that they do no like.

I know this because I am just the same as everyone else.

  • I just wanted to have friends. I am pretty trash at making long lasting friendships.
  • I AM NO LONGER PART OF THE GODDESS SQUAD. I have been informed that… OH FOR FUCKS SAKE, I HAVE TO COME UP WITH COMPLETELY NEW AND ORIGINAL METAPHORS TO EXPLAIN THIS SHIT. ONES THAT NO ONE PUBLICALLY WILL BE ABLE TO TELL WHO IS WHOM.
  • I use the physical human body as my metaphorical inspiration. So here we go.

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Ears. I am referring to Ears. Ears heard stuff. Ears was curious about whatever the fuck was going on so decided to check out my blog for visual confirmation. Eyes saw stuff. I don’t know what the eyes saw, but they immediately teleported (portal-jumped) to the Cortex of Conclusions and informed the hive mind of their discoveries.

Behind closed doors or windows or in secret lairs of whatever they so chose to use, they talked about me. I don’t know what they said. I only know that I, like usual, end up inspiring something. Much like Helen of Troy who launched a thousand ships. Who gives a shit if it is real or not.  I only know that… Wherever I go, shit just seems to happen, for some fucking reason or other.

Where does that leave me right now?

  • I claimed I was telling the truth. I still believe that, but I have since learned that my quest for the truth and everything to come to the surface and light… Plato’s analogous philosophy of the Cave? TURNS OUT PEOPLE LIKE BEING IN THEIR CAVE
  • If I am a light, any source of light, I don’t give a fuck… Well… I can’t re-enter any bat caves, because people don’t want the light to be shined upon them. They protect their stuff, and all I do is put light on all of their stuff. No one wants to see or know any of it.
  • I see myself METAPHORICALY and/or FIGURATIVELY, as the sun, stars, fire, light, destructive.

I spin a pretty picture, I tell a rather convincing LIE of something. To me, I didn’t think I was lying, I was trying to shed light on whatever situation. Whatever… something. I JUST KNOW IT AS BEING THE 3RD PERSPECTIVE. I am the 3rd “eye”. I have no clairvoyant abilities, I just.. see shit differently.

I could never find myself in mythology and tropes without it being patronising. It’s just more of my own bullshit. I am crazy because I have delusions of grandeur. I didn’t see it as grandiose though… I was just… To me, this shit is obvious and I didn’t want to perpetuate any false lies of power. Why wasn’t anyone else doing that thing? So I thought I could do my part – some thing or element of something that I do…

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8:28 pm; I have decided I will call this #allb4K. Because I was going with the title “before I go” which doesn’t have a K in it, and so I googled what media or mythological memes I could use and turns out BEFORE I GO is a film from 2017. SO.. Had no idea. Skimmed the synopsis and was like “YOU MOTHER FUCKER?! MY LIFE AGAIN!? I AM NOT A TROPE!”

8:32 pm; added tags, updated title. Sigh. Just… trying to get all the facts straight. Somehow. in some way.

 

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