13 December 2018, 8:52pm. Today has been incredible. It has been… I don’t even know how to start this. The way that I write is truly the way that I think in my head. Whenever I insert an ellipsis (…) it is indicative of me pausing for thought… It shows hesitation on my part. The hesitation is not necessarily a bad thing, it is me searching for the word that most correctly represents the concept that I am trying to convey.
- There is a method to my madness. Obviously you can tell I’m not entirely mad because I do make a lick of sense to some liminal nook or craning in your folded brain.
- TRUST AND TRUTH are tantamount to my quintessential way of being. Trust me, because I haven’t given you reason to doubt. Or don’t trust me, figure out for yourself.
- Whichever way you choose, you’re right. You are also wrong. It’s all the same thing in the end so what difference does it make?
What you see, or read, or hear, from me is exactly what you get. And if you actually bothered to get to know me at all – LIKE MAYBE FUCKING TALK TO ME – you’d finally realise and confirm the truth of that fucking voice inside of your skull. That whatever problem or bullshit you’re going through? It’s because of you.
WELCOME TO MY HIGHWAY THROUGH FUCKING HELL. Where I choose the fucking music I love and like because I’m in control here. You have to suck it up princess, shut your cake whorle. If you don’t like my musical revue? Get off my highway. (That’s the only real hell) No longer will I mince myself up in a variety of metaphorical ways in order to fit the unspoken mould that I am supposed to just know how to fit.
Isn’t it funny how you never really screamed at my face, / but your anger so unspoken and unchannelled permeates my essence to the point where I / Don’t want to see you hear you, be anywhere near you, / you probably think I’m threatened by you but your illusionary power doesn’t threaten me / Actually I think it’s kind of funny that you create an illusion that is a mirror, / I don’t appreciate you and I know that that surprises you / I suppose you see that those who follow their heart always win, / those with integrity have won the match before it’s begun
So rather than being kicked around, I’m going to kick you to the curb / So rather than being pushed around, I’m going to push you away first / So rather than trying to protect you, I’m going to cover my bases first / So rather than trying to open my heart, I’m going to lock it with a key / So that only the special ones, so that only the special ones, can ever get through to me
Some can see beyond the barrier of threshold whereas others can’t see beyond their sculptured mould, / you could offer me nothing, you could offer me nothing that I need
Do you think I’m asking too much? / A kind of respect and trust that shouldn’t even be questioned, / how can I open my heart with dishonesty sitting next to me? / I’ve honoured your honour to the point of embarrassment, / but innocence in the hands of the guilt-free is kicked to, is kicked to the curb / I was ashamed of my innocence, / I was ashamed of my innocence but now with clarity I see that your bullshit is just not worthy of me
I don’t want to be angry…. This is not worthy of me and now with clarity I see that I can walk away, I can walk away
WHEN YOU HAVE POWER, THERE WILL ALWAYS BE PEOPLE WHO WILL TRY TO TAKE FROM YOU, ALWAYS.
I haven’t heard high nor hair from Jack Frost and my inner emotional gyroscopic spinster is FREAKING THE FUCK OUT. I’m pinging particular bells of FURY, FRUSTRATION & FRENZY. There truly isn’t any reason for me to give a fuck about what’s happened to him, why he seems to have dropped off the face of the planet… But.. I didn’t want him to disappear. I had my big 4, my hard4Kore.
I joke around about how I find lost things… Well… If I find lost things, why don’t I get to keep them? I want to yell at people. And myself. For different reasons…
- This year I discovered it was possible to actually like myself.
- I seem to set myself up to fail by attempting to reach impossible ideals and standards . And I also put those expectations on other people too.
- Why must I only ever have 2 out of 3 things? Why can’t I have it all?
- For the briefest fucking second it seemed I finally had manifested my 3 lionhearted leo’s. I had my lost boy, my lost girl and my lost thing.
- When the 4 of us combine, we are captains of this here planet. We once were heroes! I wanted to do that thing again…
This is literally the third blog post I’ve put on this page today. I should write this in a word document instead. And… WHY the fuck am I even writing? I’m so very tired. UGH. Just.. ugh. Want it to be over. FOr me. frikken exhausted.