Come on, square pusher. I need you.

12 comments

Look look look. Yeah I’m in a state of total and utter hypomania. Green Day sings to be woken up when September ends, well fuck, as September was ending I was being forced to go back to sleep by the rhythm of the war drums.

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The Harley Quinn in me retired after her thoat was slit by the masked Harley-Quinn. It was all in good fun. I’m not shitty about it at all. I look back and remember fondly with love. I can wear any character at all. There are shit tons to choose from. The biggest problem was that there was no character that felt like.. me? Except me. Ugh. So.. let me say that I found a new Harley Quinn who is a hunter, just like me! FUCK YEAH!

Not that long (7 days) ago I set myself on fire in search of the others who were like me and my own. I told you I was Rapunzel who had found her big 4. In my new Harley Quinn I have found another who is just like me; her intentions have shown her to be good will hunting. See? It’s real. I fucking am a magical mischievious maniacal messiah in my mind, and reality is all but a game where I can play on this material plane.

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I am on fire just like the pillar of fire in the abrahamic bible. I am a beacon of light that people can see and they cannot fucking deny it. 

In mythology I have been searching for which goddess, deity, spirit, entity, whatever.. ANYTHING, it was just in search for something that I could personally relate to. I’m an only child. I have been fucking just lonely and weird and shy my whole life. It wasn’t until I really got to have friends that helped me not want to kill myself and end my existence. That was the goddess squad. That was my judo club. BUT! I got a bitsy in trouble for sharing a bit too much. Especially because I didn’t ask their permission. I just… WHEE-OOP!! Uploaded shit and did stuff completely on a whim, without thinking first. I just uploaded stuff in all my elated excitement. They found out and eeeesh. I feel tight around the collar. I feel really fucking upset that I put different people in a weird position thinking “WTF? What’s wrong with K?”. So no more. I won’t refer to them for a little while again. Because we are real and existant in the PRESENT, if I am to share my story, I must look to the distant past where people are dead. Really dead. Dead dead. Because then I can say whatever I want.. and only have their descendants to fight me because of it.

UGH! BREATHE!

Music always helps me to calm the fuck down, or pump me up. Or whatever. Stuff. 2 blog posts ago I said I was opening up my backcatalogue of musical history in my mental databank or my memories? Guess what fucking just fell out.

Let’s make a list, since I’m a neurotic list maker. This is is to be a set of intentions and expectations. These are for myself so I can remember, but also for you so you know what I’m doing (or thinking or trying to do, whatever I’m doing).

Back to the future!

part 1 – the origin story

  1. I will no longer refer to any person or people who belong to the PRESENT AND CURRENT judo dojo. You have my word. (I have no idea if they will read this, but I know that my blog has been seen. Two separate members contacted me directly about it)
  2. If later on in the near or distant future I feel comfortable bringing them up again, I will heavily encode names with much cyphering that I may need a codex to remember who’s whom LOL.
  3. No real faces or names will be mentioned of theirs again.

part 2 – holographic shark jaws

  1. I’m not an actual time traveller, that is fiction. But the internet exists outside of time. It can totally APPEAR to be something other than what it actually is.
  2. I’m seriously doing random whatever in my day to day life. Because I only know what I see and hear in the here and now, that’s why I talk about the whatever the hell it is that I’m talking about, ever, whenever it may be “now”.
  3. I do have memories. I know how to remember stuff. And different stuff triggers those memories. Emotions, images, music, words, interactions, people, faces, places, numbers, letters sounds, colour, textures, tempo and tastes. EVERYTHING reminds me of SOMETHING!
  4. So shit happening in front of me? During my day? Even on the internet, whatever I hear, read, or see? Yeah, just like nickelback (I don’t get why people hate on them so much) everything is just a reminder of what/who I really am.
  5. What you read on this blog  (remember, my ONE POST PER DAY) I will be relating “whatever is realy and true” to something from my past. Something from BEFORE I GOT MARRIED. To clearly distinguish past from present. Because I don’t want to fuck anyone over, but I literally cannot remove myself from the present and spin and flip through time to continue to exist outside out it.
  6. I got married in 2006. 2005 was the last year I ever carried my father’s name. So…? BUYER BEWARE, if you so knew me before I got married? I’m going to be using photos I have from way back then. Names, faces, times, places, events, occassions, to prove that it’s real. That I’m real. That magic is real. That god and the devil are real.
  7. How do I know this for certain? OMG bitch, please. I know the difference between shit, I’m not a fucking idiot. I just *seem* crazy. I know what’re real and ree because  have lived it, both sides, forwards and backwards, inside out, every day every time.

part 3 – the train in the west

  1. I want to tell the story of my life. But not *my* story. But the story of… my family. My mum and my dad. My grandparents. My cousins. Fuck. I really love them and I miss them. I miss the way we used to be.  But there is so much negativity and quarrells that… UGH THEY FUCKING GIVE ME THE SHITS. lol
  2. I want to heal the pain. My pain. That I feel in my heart and soul. Because I still don’t know if everything will be okay again. Not like it used to be. So much has fucking changed. And Jain says that the only thing that has changed is ME…??!!
  3. But that’s not the end, I hope. I don’t just want to fix all the shit I fucked up. I want to hopefulyl have a future too. I want to make music. I want to make videos. I want to live the dream, only the good parts, that I did when I was in high school – ONLY THE GOOD PARTS.
  4. I teach in high school, I know what I’m talking about. Too many adults forget what shit was like when they were young. No wonder kids these days feel fucking hopeless, because no one wants to listen to anyone.

 

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What do I want?

I want to make music! I want to travel up and down the East Coast of Australia and visit and collaborate on stuff with my ragtag band mates. On a whole bunch of stuff. All of the stuff! The projects that each of us are passionate about.

Because we each have something different that I want, that we love, that we’re super dooper excited about. And I want to make that happen. I want to help. I want to do all of the things!

PS- Babe, listen, read, we’re a team. A fucking team remember? We are all multifaceted and capable of anything and everything. We have fought this war before in another life, lifetimes ago. You are Merida, I am Rapunzel. But this time around our roles and visibilities are reversed. In Frozen, this time you are Anna, and I am Elsa.

Together we are the darkness. Together? We’re THE knight MARE.

Kicking it off with K, this K is no longer silent. You began the race, and I’m at the end of it, ready to fucking finish it. I love you. Remember me. I remember you.

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12 comments on “Come on, square pusher. I need you.”

    1. Me too 🙂 but it’s something I have to be in the mood for. You know? I completely fuxking forgot about them until this morning when I wrote the thing. For the longest time I could only remember Aphex Twin’s come to daddy and windowlicker because they were my favourite. Thank fuck for the internet because I can’t find my DVD I had.

      Liked by 1 person

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