I would like to thank Cris Mihai for sharing the poem Invictus on his blog (apparently 35 minutes ago, so it says on the time stamp). It is a poem by William Henley. I only know Invictus to be some movie about South Africa and it has Matt Damon in it. *shrugs*
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
Now I stand upon a crossroads for I may take this blog post a number of ways. Each of the choices are valid and none are a deceit. I think it’s pretty fair to say I SUCK AT RANDOM DECISION MAKING. I resent others saying “just pick one” because that is what I really struggle with, when I don’t know who will benefit. If it is to benefit no one but myself, then why does it matter if i were to answer at all?
If I am to praise his (Henley’s) poetry then who benefits from that? Certainly not his ego, nor does my voice rise to the clouds on the heavens, and if he was there I doubt he’d be looking at me anyway.
Perhaps I could go all english teacher on it and extract the metaphors to which I am drawn. Like a surgeon I will pluck words out of context to observe and consider it before I return it to its place. His words speak of poetry in his lamentation for his fate betwixt the two sides of me: the mother who gives life and loves, and the killer who grins and delights to play with knives.
Obviously you would tell me “go pick the mother” because every body likes to see love and light, no one (certainly not anymore) publicly admits to murder – even if the murder is metaphor such as killing time, killing bordem, kill the little voice inside yourself – but wait. Before you do that thing, know this is not a command nor a “secret message” for you to go out and fulfill. It was merely an example that demonstrates that every instance in life has the potential to be a teachable moment.
And this past month has taught me that opportunities abound everywhere, anywhere. It is wherever you are, they can only come to you in the present – where your body is, and if your mind is there then you will notice the opportunities as they come to you. Opportunities are attracted to heart. So obviously the more you enjoy something, the more likely it will fruition into something benefitting for you.
But! The people I have come to know and love? They’re just like me. They are all heart. They are so fucking beautiful and it kills me that they… have experience the profoundest of pain, betrayals, rejection, abandonment, loneliness, isolation, despair… it was like they were forsaken by society and thus their loathe for religion.
I want to smile and hug them, and just hold their faces in my hands. I want to caress their cheeks. Like my children – I have 2 children. I don’t know if you knew that. I have a boy and a girl. The girl is my oldest (the 10 year old Lady) and my boy is 7 years old, and he is my sun.
Thus the delightful and curious symmetry to which physical and metaphysical (metaphorical) constellations are twinkling all around me. I’m just seriously.. no idea what I’m doing. I must connect the dots and trace the lines but not of stars far away in the distance…Of the constellations and networks that join and connect people with people.
My structural cross to which I have affixed myself to is sure to laugh, if the in joke is remembered. So many words have been exchanged and so much matter to chew on. There are fields and this stuff and I have’t get chewed them long enough to spit them out again and spread it all around; finger paint like babies or throw shit like monkeys. And somehow like a disgusting but totally self induced “reading the entrails of small living creatures” means of divination. But this is not divination. It is vaticination.
Delight delight! I realise I just forged my own path and I did not have to choose at all. I was free to speak and you walked with me. You held my hand through it all, it was painful and lonely and terrifying the first time around. But every day I heal faster. Everyday I die faster. and it was totally fine again.
It is confusing though. Because the diabetes really messes me up but I understand it is necessary. It is my physical reminded rhat I really truly cannot do everything. I barely struggle to just complete even some things of what I used to do. Bu! On with it! It’s the automimmune version, it’s Type 1 diabetes. I am insulin dependent as my pancreas just doesn’t do that thing… properly.. whatever the things. lol
Anyway. Here is my “real deal, in the right here, right now” sort of thingy. I just wanted to have a bit of a write down before I get my rite on, as I received my mofo SPIRIT KEEPERS TAROT DECK TODAY! Booyah and I am so keen as beans to open that mother lover up and read and learn and feel free 🙂