Characterisation

I have to fix my mistakes

I have to come back inside

I have to remove myself from sight

I have to come back to myself

I have unfurled and grown and stretched too far

I have to cry. I have to hide. I have to look at myself and remind myself “why”

WTF am I doing here.

Why did I ever come here? Why did I speak? Why did I ever listen? Why did I ever reply? Why did I ever think that? Why did I have to respond?

I must stop doing that thing that I do.

I must close my eyes. I must not read. I must not look. I must not see.

I must cover my ears. I must not hear. I must not listen. Pretend I’m not here.

I must shut my mouth. I must not speak. Only open it for when I am to suck, breathe or eat.

I must keep my hands to myself, my arms by my sides. I must not reach, or stretch or wriggle or writhe.

I must not complain, I must not fight, I must submit to the dark empty night.

I don’t know who I am though I know who I am.

I mean to say I don’t know who I am to you.

It doesn’t matter though. You don’t owe me a thing. I am a real person behind this blog. I continue to exist with or without you. I don’t need your advice, your guidance, your support or your words. I do what I want, when I want, how I want, if I want.

I don’t understand the new rules of this land, the digital domain has changed from when I last constructed my space in the glass asylum.

I am too painful to others if I strike out on my own. My words are weapons and people see them and use them all wrong.

They hurt themselves. They hurt each other. They hurt me.

I am useless on my own, too often misconstrued. I’m misappropriated, I’m often misused.

I am a Mrs.

I don’t mind if I’m called sir, mistress or miss.

I know what you mean when you address me. I do understand when you talk to me.

But when I’m just doing my thing, that thing that I do… I inspire, I aspire, I respite my respire.. I aspirate my own aspirations.

But my dreams are too much, too many, too hard to conceive when I do it by myself with no one else to lead.

I am heavy like lead. I am lost in my head. I am bound to the place and time, the space I inhibit which I see in the present in front of me. I’m stuck in my body, in the here and now. It perspires, it seizes, it eats fucks and sleeps.

I require another, the other, or some one.. anyone at all, it doesn’t matter who… him, her or them. They’re just ideas I can refer to, to frame and construct and relate and reflect.

I need other people to show me the way for me to direct my mechanical thought trains.

I must retreat back to myself. Who I am. Where I am. Right here. Right now. Connect to the earth.

I am a muse. I know what I do. I amuse, bemuse, and confuse. I play, I teach, I respond, I repeat myself in various ways to guide others across their divided desires.

I have a face and a name. I have a signature, too. I have an address, a birth date, a history, a condition or two.

I want to tear this place down, and clear the slate. Begin again, perhaps.. I must contemplate.

I know I said November 18 is the date… but I only said that to placate… and promised my name and my face.

I have revealed my keys and the gates the unlock. They’re under construction, they are portals to empty black holes. They are places to fill if I spill too much.. to contain overflow.

I don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t know why. But I must listen to my heart. I must say my goodbyes.

I won’t post anything else, but I’ve got a week of scheduled posts. You have stuff to read if you want. I don’t know what else. I don’t remember what I’ve planned, how it’s ordered, or when what will be released. But I have to let go of it all if I am to be free.

Perhaps I will clear the canvas and the air after the last “scheduled post” has had a chance to be read.

I stand by my words, I do what I say I will do. I play my part and fulfill my end of the bargain. I may change my mind but I do not renege. I make contracts and statements, and complete them. I fulfill them.

I can only fill my own cups. No one can do that for me. Maybe they can help, but they don’t really know what I need.

Thank you for reading, I hope this finds you well. I do not weave magic to deceive you with spells.

I may lurk in the comments of blogs that I read. But I must stop trying to do everything. I must cement myself and I and be true to “me”.

45 replies »

    • I love you too. Thank you. This thing I wrote? It’s for everyone. To everyone. Anyone. No one specifically. It’s… universal. Whomever sees it, they see it. And do what they will. That’s all anyone every does anyway. But I have to stop… giving so freely… that thing (whatever, however, wherever, whenever) that I do.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’m not a content creator. I just.. react and respond to whatever shit is happening in my life. And stuff. Lol. I have to stop being so public though. Keep myself private. But personal isn’t the same as inter and intra personal shit. And… I dunno. Thank you.
        I hope you keep reading and if you like it, you can join my cult. Haha.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Well if that is something you want to change about yourself? That is what you should do. But real question is why? I mean it’s not wrong to be an open person. You should ask me because I’m at the opposite side of spectrum, someone who is trying to learn how to speak.
        Of course I’ll keep reading and I hope to join your cult.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I want to change the way people think about themselves and the world around them. I want people to change themselves so they don’t hurt themselves or other people. Consent. Knowledge and consent. I wrote my antichrist manifesto but I dunno if it’s up or whatever. I might have taken it down. But I’m proclaiming myself the new messiah and I want people to do what I tell them to do because I am Right. Haha.
        I have a voice and shit. I know how to do stuff and censor myself for a harmonious life. But now I’m not keeping my “secrets to success” to myself. All those self help books are right. But they are also wrong. Lol everything is right and wrong and nothing matters. But it matters if you want it to matter. And I want to matter enough to people that they say thank you. Sigh. It’s.. complicated. Lol

        Liked by 1 person

      • It’s a wonder how I didn’t get a thing but still understood everything. Everything is so complicated but it can be simplified only after complicating it further. You’re seriously a lot fun to talk to. Your students are so damn lucky. I mean they have a teacher, this awesome.
        All the best for your adventures!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Omg thank you! I appreciate it!!! But I’m a victim of the bullshit education system. And am trapped and stifled by this shit. I love my students so much but I’m just “temporary” there are no permanent positions. Which.. part of me is happy about. Then I can say “fuck the admin shit. I can just get on with that thing, whatever the thingy” haha.
        Everything is so damned easy once you’ve been given the chance to learn it properly. It just depends on what you want to learn. You know?

        Liked by 1 person

      • I don’t much about the education system there. So can’t really say much about it. Ooh. Maybe you can try someplace else if you want a permanent job. But then, you’re also happy. Life is so confusing! Just do whatever you wanna do! Yes, absolutely. All we need is a chance.

        Like

      • Hahaha not really that unique. I tell my students to work smarter not harder. So I show them how to be tricky.. trick the system into working to their benefit. Do what you need to do, so you can go back to doing what you want to do lol! I wanna do whatever and stuff. A whole bunch of stuff hahahaha. I work to live, not live to work. Does that make sense to you?

        Like

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