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How well do you know yourself? — Christine Betts – WriterPainter

Great writers know themselves according to Robert McKee. And he should know, because he is a damn good writer if not a great one, and he teaches other people how to write…great…greatly? McKee believes that character drives great storytelling and to create great characters we need to know what is real, what touches people, what […]

via How well do you know yourself? — Christine Betts – WriterPainter

Christine shared some of her journaling mental PROBES (for probing the brain, not the butt) and I just love to BLAAAAHHHHH about myself. So I’m going to write out my answers and share them here with you all. SUFFER MY NARCISSISM!

…or relish in it. I know you do 😉

  1. When was the last time you questioned your own motives? For writing or doing whatever it is you do. In relationships. I question them all the time. I’m quite often second guessing myself because I often interpret questions or even statements (from others) as accusatory in tone. A force of habit since I’m just used to… being called selfish, all the time, for every choice I make or thing I do. I’ve been conditioned to question every single specific anything I do… “What am I even doing? Why am I doing this?” So unless I have been directly instructed to do something BY SOMEBODY ELSE… I question what’s the point of even doing anything, anyway? If it “came from me”, then who benefits from it? If my ego gets stroked, I have to just stomp that shit into the ground and reprimand myself for being selfish! It MUST SERVE THE WILL OF EVERYBODY (or really ANY – BODY) ELSE, for it to be of value…
  2. When did you last do something nice for someone else? I don’t know. I don’t generally do nice things for people. Being polite and courteous shouldn’t count, that’s just plain manners. I do know that people would say “oh, but this thing you did was nice” or something… But to me? No. I don’t “play nice”. I like to think I treat the majority of people with the attitude to which I believe THEY DESERVE. You’re a cunt? I’ll be a cunt to you. You’re a nice person? I’ll be nice to you. But they’re often just words and words are not the same as actually DOING something nice.
  3. When did you last re-set your goals? Bah, I think the appropriate question may be “when did you first realise you had goals?” Because then I would answer that June I realised a goal of “maybe… do stuff that isn’t selfishly motivated?” so I started to do that, and utterly failed because then I realised I was worth loving and was worthy of existence… and so a big fat cross, that just made everything I did become MORE SELFISHLY MOTIVATED.. Now.. I have my goal of “make money from doing tarot readings” and I have made $0. Because… I’m doing other shit, man! Like writing about the antichrist and apocalyptic imagery and creative fiction/non-fiction. None of it has been “psychic” or “divine”… or even money making.
  4. What are you aiming for right now? Why does it matter? Hah, I answered this in the last question. So.. currently I’m aiming for writing my own apocryphia. An anarchic abomination of abhorrent aphorisms to… Maybe turn into an e-book to somehow maybe generate passive income… which in turn seems to be gaining an audience? So.. maybe I can then later market my tarot shit then..? Haha. Meepers jeepers.
  5. How can you love more? How do you give and receive love? How are you stopping the flow of love in your life? I don’t know if I could love more? Well… I don’t think it is possible for me to love others more than I already do… But could certainly learn how to love myself more, and consistently. Because I mostly just don’t like myself. I play up my flaws so no one can hurt me with them.. I hurt myself enough. If I throw myself to the rock bottom of fucking society, then the only direction available to me is UP. Much more preferable to be the agent for your own downfall than to feel the sting of betrayal.
  6. How can you do for others today? I can do for others by actually doing stuff and not just sitting here at the laptop writing stuff. Specifically I could actually clean up the house, do my chores, and be more ‘present’. It may take me away from writing, but… I dunno. I’ve never been much of a writer before, so it seems fucking ridiculous that it’s suddenly so important to me now.
  7. When were you last really angry? Sad? Today. I friggen cried and cried into J’s chest. And I don’t even know what it was about. I just felt so hopeless, like a failure. That no matter what I did, it was never good enough… Or if it is good enough, it is never finished. Or I don’t know where things are. Or the house is messy. Or… Why am I so damned contradictory, so damned “inconsistent” even with something as simple as “what am I going to write my list about?” UGH. I MAKE ME ANGRY.
  8. When did you last learn something new? I cannot just say off the top of my head… Oh oh oh!  The other week DM said something about SOMATISATION. So that’s the affects of psychological lessons upon the physical being. But I guess I also very recently learned that

 

I think that’s enough for now. There were 7 more questions but I’ll leave them for another blog post.

8 replies »

  1. I had a ‘boyfriend’ at primary school called Matthew Butts. He was so cute but I think his mother dropped him on his head when he was a baby. Or I was just too fucking straight and goody-two-shoes. I didn’t learn to be an ass until a few years later. True story, my first husband’s birth name was Gamble…I’ll just leave you to think about that little gem…

    Liked by 2 people

    • Heeeey!! My first boyfriend was Matt too! And then I broke up with him pretending I was a lesbian with Sara! Because there was some book called “the year of freaking out” and so I thought it’d be funny to pretend it was real. Eeek.
      I love sharing these weird “coincidental” memories! Because whatever you believe.. coincidence, chaos, destiny, fate,… you’re right 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Reblogged this on Christine Betts – WriterPainter and commented:
    This –
    Much more preferable to be the agent for your own downfall than to feel the sting of betrayal.

    And this –
    It may take me away from writing, but… I dunno. I’ve never been much of a writer before, so it seems fucking ridiculous that it’s suddenly so important to me now.

    I feel this.

    Also planning to use SOMATISATION in a sentence real soon.

    Liked by 2 people