Look I don’t know shit but I know a whole bunch of shit. I know what I’m good at and I know what I want to do. These are things that we repeat to ourselves to ground us and cement us when shit gets a bit freaky or confusing or all round messed up.
It’s necessary for both the self and the spectator, the performer and audience KNOW they are separate by clear delineation of space and roles. It’s so fucking obvious, no one has ever been locked up for expressing they were able to relate to the emotions and experiences evoked by theatre. Because it’s clearly theatre. It’s an act.
I’m not insane. But I realise that I was explaining myself really poorly. I am hyperaware of my communication skills and that’s why I was so very fucking AAARRSGFNJEKSJSBSBA you know? Screaming and not making sense and super dooper manic hypermanic… animaniac!
I started this blog to just vent until I felt normal again. And omg I am BAAACCCKKK! This is so normal. This is my normal. This is my normal me!!! Everything has always been backwards for me, well not everything… I have had so many opportunities and luck and fortune and shit… the point is, all my “fucking frustrations” and problems were just in my head. Anything I had control over I fucked it up. Everyone has always done the best they could for me, in the only ways they new how. It’s not their fault they didn’t know how to fucking reach me when I was drowning in the pits of despair in my own head.
I’m fine. I survived. I always have and will continue to do so. I fucking hate people so I avoid them like the plague. I’m not antisocial – I am pleasant, polite, civil, gracious, whatever. I just do what I need to do to allow for a cohesive and effective engagement so we can all just get on with our lives. If the situation sucks I get the hell out of dodge and excuse myself without hurting anyone’s feelings; if the situation is fun I can continue on and enjoy going with the flow.
My mate BG said I should go in to life coaching And I’m so so so so noooooooooo not about that. I don’t mind being a role model, mentor, teacher, guide, supporter, chaperone, whatever. Because “life coach” is such a dirty word. It implies people don’t know how to fucking live. It’s ridiculous. You’re living now, aren’t you??
You’re not living correctly. Live more. Live harder. Live faster. Not that fast. Live this way. Live live live! Live like me. Me me me. You’re living wrong. I can tell you how to live! Listen to me because I’m an expert on life. Because I made everything in my life. Me me me. You wrong me right. Live me.
It’s bullshit and it’s degrading. You don’t need me to coach you through life. That implies everyone already in your life fucked up and you don’t know what you’re doing. Life coaching takes away your self respect… that’s what it means to me anyway.
I made this thingy to represent me. Who I am, how I see things, what I do, etc whatever. I asked my hubby and BG what they thought of it, and they’re like “dude. That’s fucked up” specifically commenting that it looked “trippy” and so I knew it was perfect!
Mystic masturbation I think this is a first original name? DIBS I CALL DIBS ITS NOW MINE
Mystic masturbation? Fuck yeah. I got a new name for MONDAYS!!!! OR something like that. Imagine those hands are just me rubbing myself like “yeah, I’m so fucking good I’m so fucking awesome Fuck yeah”
That’s what magic is to me.