Know my signature, ledger a mantra

Look I don’t know shit but I know a whole bunch of shit. I know what I’m good at and I know what I want to do. These are things that we repeat to ourselves to ground us and cement us when shit gets a bit freaky or confusing or all round messed up.

It’s necessary for both the self and the spectator, the performer and audience KNOW they are separate by clear delineation of space and roles. It’s so fucking obvious, no one has ever been locked up for expressing they were able to relate to the emotions and experiences evoked by theatre. Because it’s clearly theatre. It’s an act.

I’m not insane. But I realise that I was explaining myself really poorly. I am hyperaware of my communication skills and that’s why I was so very fucking AAARRSGFNJEKSJSBSBA you know? Screaming and not making sense and super dooper manic hypermanic… animaniac!

I started this blog to just vent until I felt normal again. And omg I am BAAACCCKKK! This is so normal. This is my normal. This is my normal me!!! Everything has always been backwards for me, well not everything… I have had so many opportunities and luck and fortune and shit… the point is, all my “fucking frustrations” and problems were just in my head. Anything I had control over I fucked it up. Everyone has always done the best they could for me, in the only ways they new how. It’s not their fault they didn’t know how to fucking reach me when I was drowning in the pits of despair in my own head.

I’m fine. I survived. I always have and will continue to do so. I fucking hate people so I avoid them like the plague. I’m not antisocial – I am pleasant, polite, civil, gracious, whatever. I just do what I need to do to allow for a cohesive and effective engagement so we can all just get on with our lives. If the situation sucks I get the hell out of dodge and excuse myself without hurting anyone’s feelings; if the situation is fun I can continue on and enjoy going with the flow.

My mate BG said I should go in to life coaching And I’m so so so so noooooooooo not about that. I don’t mind being a role model, mentor, teacher, guide, supporter, chaperone, whatever. Because “life coach” is such a dirty word. It implies people don’t know how to fucking live. It’s ridiculous. You’re living now, aren’t you??

You’re not living correctly. Live more. Live harder. Live faster. Not that fast. Live this way. Live live live! Live like me. Me me me. You’re living wrong. I can tell you how to live! Listen to me because I’m an expert on life. Because I made everything in my life. Me me me. You wrong me right. Live me.

It’s bullshit and it’s degrading. You don’t need me to coach you through life. That implies everyone already in your life fucked up and you don’t know what you’re doing. Life coaching takes away your self respect… that’s what it means to me anyway.

spinny-e1539983811369

I made this thingy to represent me. Who I am, how I see things, what I do, etc whatever. I asked my hubby and BG what they thought of it, and they’re like “dude. That’s fucked up” specifically commenting that it looked “trippy” and so I knew it was perfect!

Mystic masturbation I think this is a first original name? DIBS I CALL DIBS ITS NOW MINE

Mystic masturbation? Fuck yeah. I got a new name for MONDAYS!!!! OR something like that. Imagine those hands are just me rubbing myself like “yeah, I’m so fucking good I’m so fucking awesome Fuck yeah”

That’s what magic is to me.

6 thoughts on “Know my signature, ledger a mantra

    • Kalliope says:

      Yup. Because they are the worst. They just feed off of each other. And it doesn’t matter if you’re a capitalist, a hippie, a gangster, holier than thou, or a renegade anarchist. Without a point of balance they just get so fucking full of their own bullshit hot air. So you need that person who is willing and able to pop that balloon.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Carine De Lozier says:

    I once heard this story that is true about lobsters in a tank. When one of the lobsters tries to climb up the side of the tank, the other lobsters grab it and pull it back down so it can’t escape. That’s how most people are when someone tries to better themselves. They want to keep that person even. 1. Because misery loves company and 2. Because if one person betters themselves, the others would have to look at themselves and take responsibility for where they find themselves.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kalliope says:

      Mutual masturbation! Just a superficial pat on the back. A perfunctory performance. Automation. (New world words) (but I’m an old school gal) I’m all for symbolism. I love it. It’s just me doing my thing, and not giving a crap about what other people think. So I have been given a whole bunch of bullshit names and “identities” that were lies or misrepresentations…. I know what it’s like to be bullied, or powerless, or alone. And omg I was so miserable. And sometimes I still am. But I’m relearning my same old mantras in my same old ways, and recognising why they weren’t working for me before. And it’s weird but they seem to be working for me again anyway!
      The temperamental nature of technology. Fucking going haywire when there is any celestial interference. Psh .
      I’m learning to wear this new hat, and what it means to wear this hat. And what kind of mask I wear with it. It’s an amalgamation of different roles I’ve already perfected, because of you know, life.

      Like

Comments are closed.